How To Survive A Horror Movie
Certain movie deaths lend themselves to more street credibility then others.
Going out in a hail of gunfire as you battle an unstoppable army of razor-toothed, acid-blooded alien monsters is an honorable way to die. Being chased down by a lone zombie who can barely move a foot without loosing his foot is a downright shameful way to shuffle off the mortal coil.
From the themed displays at your local video store to any one of the late night marathons on cable television, it’s aparent Halloween is around the corner and Hollywood’s scariest are waiting to be watched. But with a glut of gory programming available, many disregard the genre as a whole, preferring to spend their viewing time with something a little less horrifying.
Apathy towards scary movies, my friends, is the surest way to find yourself under the blade of a demented clown-themed killer. If only you had taken the time to watch a few scary movies and jotted down some notes, you too would have known how to survive any clichéd horror movie plot.
Lucky for you, I’ve taken the time to prepare a few handy tips that will put you on the right track towards survival. Horror movies may be formulaic and derivative, but that’s exactly why surviving one is as easy as pumpkin pie.
- When asked to put the lotion on the skin, politely decline. Your captive is trying to preserve your delicate epidermis in order to later harvest it in construction of a woman suit. In fact, take extra care to add to the deterioration of your overall appearance by taking up smoking and consuming greasy foods. Nobody wants a woman suit with acne.
- When attempting to learn the running speed of an approaching zombie, throw a rock at it. If it stumbles along at a snail-like pace, the zombie can easily be avoided by running away. If it charges at you with an uncanny speed, question your motive for throwing the rock in the first place.
- When faced with an eminent exorcism, remember: The power of Christ compels you… to run the other way as fast as you can.
- When walking down a dark alley, do not advertise yourself as a victim. Instead, bring along a small child as a decoy victim.
- When filming a documentary about a local urban legend, remember to go prepared. Essential supplies include plenty of batteries, a compass, a map, a flare gun, enough food to last you a few days and a tripod in order to hold the camera straight for more then two seconds.
- Werewolves are cunning beasts that can easily overpower their prey. Wait until they transform back into their weak human forms before hitting them over the head with a two-by-four … made of silver.
- If you receive a phone call telling you that you will die in seven days after watching what looks to be some disturbing glimpse into a film student’s psyche, upload the video onto YouTube with the tags “Star Wars Kid,” “Paris Hilton,” and “XXX.” College frat boys everywhere will be unable to resist downloading it and you’ll pass the curse on to somebody more deserving.
- Do not forget to wear garlic around your neck when combating a vampire or trying to woo Mario the Plumber.
- If you suspect your next-door neighbor to be an alien out to replace you with a pod person, contact your local Tea Party.
