Let the right ones into your pants
Just when you thought it was safe to take off that turtleneck sweater and put away your garlic, Twilight, Stephanie Meyer’s blockbuster young adults novel, has taken the nation’s tweens by storm.
Don't be fooled by their toothy smiles. Vampire guys are only after one thing.
It’s not just a book, either. The film version stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson as two teenaged lovers torn apart by the fact that one of them is really a distant relative of Count Chocula.
While Twilight might have a legion of screaming teenaged girls behind it, it is not the only choice when it comes to teenage vampire films.
Let the Right One In, a Swedish film based on a novel of the same name, may not have a cast of unreasonably beautiful people, but it still manages to be a tender story about a 12-year-old boy’s relationship with a vampire girl.
When mysterious deaths begin to plague his community, Oskar begins to suspect that the new girl in town whom he has developed a crush on may in fact be a vampire.
There seems to be a problem among today’s youth in detecting vampires in their midst. With Buffy the Vampire Slayer having been off the air for five years now, who are our children turning to for advice in spotting bloodsuckers?
It seems it is my civic duty to provide a list of warning signs that will help prevent a little necking at Make out Point from becoming a fang-ful memory.
- Does your boyfriend have an obsessive love for counting, marking each number with a crazed laugh of “ah, ah, ah, ah, ah”? He may be a vampire — or a math teacher. Either way, you should get out of that relationship.
- Did your loved one suddenly go from speaking in a country twang to talking in a stereotypical Romanian accent? Have they developed a new wardrobe consisting of medallions, capes and silver-tipped canes? Unless they are auditioning for the role of an eastern European pimp, they have become the undead and should be dumped.
- Does your girlfriend flinch whenever you mention blowing your paycheck on steaks at the grocery store? Does she shy away from giving you a smooch after you’ve just wolfed down a double-order of garlic breadsticks? Does she become agitated and embarrassed when you insist on doing your Bela Lugosi impersonation at parties? If the answers are yes, you may very well be dating a bloodsucking harpy from hell — or a vampire.
- Have you spotted a mysterious doctor peaking over his menu at you and your significant other during your dinner date? While walking past his table to use the restroom, did you spot him carving a point onto a wooden stick? When dancing with your date, did the doctor try to cut in — only to trip on his feet, fall towards your date, stab them with a wooden stake, and cause them to spontaneously combust into a cloud of dust? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you could have very well been on a date with a vampire.
- Does your boyfriend take coffin’ drops? Drink decoffinated coffee? Live in a Bat-chelor pad? Invite you to meet his parents during Fangsgiving break? Own a bloodhound? Play Casketball? You may have a grave problem.
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