The Carrying On of A Wayward Son

For a good part of my life, I’ve been drawn to advice columns.

Being somebody who is constantly plagued with doubt, reading “Dear Abby” or “Dear Prudence” has been a wonderful way to learn what is socially acceptable and what is the type of weird behavior that gets you talked about behind your back.

Today's guest columnist: Andrew

Unfortunately, the advice columns run in the newspaper rarely answer the type of burning questions that keep me up at night. That’s where my friends come in. I’ve been blessed with friends and family that are wonderful fountains of information and advice. Some of the advice has even been solicited.

My friend Andrew, for example, has been a runny faucet of wisdom since I met him five years ago. Andrew’s generous supply of advice is not just limited to my personal life either — the guy can (and will) go on for hours unchecked about every single aspect of life. He has an opinion about literally everything. Unlike most of the people I know, though, Andrew’s opinions are more often then not both insightful and interesting. Whether I have a question about a personal problem I’m wrestling with or just want to hear a dissertation about the the state of the national public transportation system, I know I can always turn to Andrew.

It’s no surprise, then, that I would want to read an advice column written by him. Unfortunately, Andrew’s rather extensive criminal background he gained while pretending to be a Nigerian prince in internet scams prevents him from getting a job as an advice columnist at any respectable newspaper. That didn’t stop me from rustling up some of my own questions to solicit his responses for:

Dear Andrew,

I was riding the subway to work the other day and I suddenly came face to face with an etiquette question I’m afraid I did not know the answer to.

As I was sitting on the bench and reading my newspaper, a homeless man approached me and demanded I pass him the Turkey King of Sudan.

Since I did not have any Turkey Kings, from Sudan or otherwise, I figured this man was obviously crazed and should be dealt with deftly.

I politely informed him that I did not possess any Turkey Kings of Sudan and sent him on his way to continue his search.

Well, much to my surprise, as the train arrived at my stop and I sat down my paper and stood up from the bench, I found that, sitting at my feet, was a Turkey King of Sudan.

I did not know what the proper protocol for this type of situation was. Should I have admitted my mistake, tracked down the homeless man and offered him the Turkey King as a form of apology?

I hate to deprive a man of the item he is looking for but I also have an equal dislike of being stabbed by crazy homeless people. What is the proper solution for this type of problem?

— Proven Wrong in Philadelphia

Proven,

First, I have a question: How was the Turkey King? I’ve always wished to see one!

As for your situation, my advice would have been to leave the Turkey King as you found it. After all, you weren’t knowingly in possession of said King. If you leave it be, the man may still find it.

If you happen to encounter the same man again, you can always politely inform him that while you did not have a Turkey King of Sudan the last time he asked, you did see one on the train, and that since the rest of the universe is unable to see figments of his imagination, it is most likely still there.

— Andrew

Dear Andrew,

I am getting fed up with my carpool buddies. Every morning, I make the extra effort to drive out of my way to their neighborhoods, pick them up from their houses and take them to work with me. I’m a staunch believer in doing what I can to protect the environment and if it means having to be inconvenienced a bit so that I can cut down on some car emissions, I have no problem doing it.

Is it too much to ask, though, that the guys I take to work with me get dressed before they get in the car?

Every morning it’s the same routine. I pick these guys up and their still dressed in their pajamas. I then have to spend the next 20 minutes driving to work while three guys strip down to their underwear and dress themselves in the backseat of my car. Last week, one of them even started taking a sponge bath in the passenger seat. That is totally distracting, totally inappropriate and totally unhygienic.

How can I convince my co-workers that I have no problem sharing my car for a trip to the office but I draw the line at using it as a communal changing room?

— Driven Mad in Des Moines

Driven,

I can’t tell you how much I sympathize with your efforts to save the environment. Why, just last week I was feverishly working to demolish the Houston Freeway system and replace it with a maglev train network. Not only did no one offer to help, but my hands were severely blistered by the jackhammer I was operating, and I was nearly run over a dozen or so times before I was arrested. People can be truly unbelievable.

Here’s my advice. Next time, as your friends are beginning to strip down, take a detour to the nearest drive-thru. With any luck you’ll be ordering your breakfast before they’re able to react, and they’ll most likely see the benefits of arriving at the carpool fully dressed when the server is mocking their “diminutive stature.” If not, just be sure and order extra syrup packets, and squirt a little in their direction any time you see skin in your rear view. There are few things less pleasant than sitting in a starched shirt all day with syrup on your chest. I’m sure they’ll get the message.

-Andrew

Dear Andrew,

I am writing you to solicit some legal advice. Throughout the last couple years I have sat silently but enough is enough. I am seriously considering suing the Obama political campaign for copyright infringement.

I may just be a little engine that thought he could, but I think I could very well have been pushed past the breaking point with this blatant rip-off of my catchphrase.

For years, I have lived by a very simple motto: “I-think-I-can.” It’s become something of a mantra for my entire life. Now, everywhere I look I see the new president talking about “Yes we can” do this or that.

If he keeps it up, “I-think-I-can-sue-his-ass.”

Do you think I have a case?

— Chugging away in Conneticut

Chugging,

I can appreciate feeling that you’ve had an idea spirited away by the powers that be. In this case, however, I urge you to consider not suing the president. After all, even Rush Limbaugh has recognized him to be “the messi-uh,” and it’s probably not worth facing eternal damnation just to have your catchphrase back for the short blip of your remaining years here on this Earth.

— Andrew

Andrew lives and works in Houston, Texas.  When not working as a professional urban land developer, Andrew enjoys spending time with his wife Pam and working on his blog NeoHouston, an online journal dedicated to current events and ideas about the city of Houston.