The Carrying On of A Wayward Son

For a good part of my life, I’ve been drawn to advice columns.

Being somebody who is constantly plagued with doubt, reading “Dear Abby” or “Dear Prudence” has been a wonderful way to learn what is socially acceptable and what is the type of weird behavior that gets you talked about behind your back.

Today's Guest Columnist: Jay

Unfortunately, the advice columns run in the newspaper rarely answer the type of burning questions that keep me up at night. That’s where my friends come in. I’ve been blessed with friends and family that are wonderful fountains of information and advice. Some of the advice has even been solicited.

My friend Jay, for example, has been a wonderful source of insight since I met him five years ago. At first a work colleague, and later a friend, Jay has always been a good place to turn to for advice. A man of many talents and learnings, Jay knows his stuff — as far as I’m concerned.

When not giving me good advice over a Freebirds Burrito, Jay has continuously impressed me with his achievements.

It’s no surprise, then, that I would want to read an advice column written by him. Unfortunately, Jay’s rather extensive criminal background he gained by participating in illegal pigeon fights prevents him from getting a job as an advice columnist at any respectable newspaper. That didn’t stop me from rustling up some of my own questions to solicit his responses for:

Dear Jay,

I am getting married in two months and lately my fiancé and I have been having heated arguments about whether or not I will change my last name.  She claims, a bit prudishly I feel, that traditionally the bride takes the groom’s name — not the other way around.

Well, I say phooey on tradition. Her last name is Bonecrusher. How freakin’ cool is that? All my life I’ve dreamed of having an awesome last name. Heck, part of the reason I started dating my soon-to-be wife was because her last name sounded like a “Masters of the Universe” bad guy.

Now, a scant few months away from the big day, I’d hate for my dreams to be shattered by my fiancé’s insistence that we stick to traditions.  How can I convince her to give me her surname? I’m even willing to forgo the prenuptial agreement.

— Tired of Being Smith

Dear Tired,

On one hand, you have a point – Bonecrusher does make an impact. Smith passes through the human consciousness as effortlessly as tofu through a vegetarian.  How could anyone forget Bonecrusher?

Plus, according to USA TODAY, an increasing number of men are taking or changing their names.  For example, the mayor of Las Angeles combined bride and groom names to create a new surname.  (Antonio Villar wed the former Corina Raigosa in 1987 to become Antonio Villaraigosa.)  If it is good enough for a hip LA mayor, why not you?

Unfortunately, there is the other hand.  In the US 44 states have unequal laws, which make it more difficult for a groom to take the bride’s name.  There are lovely little fees ($150 filing fee in many states, $150+ to buy advertisements to alert the public, etc) plus you also get treated with suspicion.  Are you hiding a criminal past? Is your family embarrassing? Are you avoiding creditors?

Finally, you must confront the realities of a name change.  Just because you change your name to an exceedingly awesome name, it doesn’t make you exceedingly awesome.  Smith still runs in your veins.  After all, Shakespeare would say that a Smith by any other name (particularly Bonecrusher) would still smell like a Smith.  In other words, you make the future, not a handsome surname or borrowed gravitas.

And that is where I leave you.  Change your name if this is central to a new, shared identity.  Change your name if you believe it is the accelerant to unlocking your hidden superhero potential.  Change your name if you don’t mind pissing off the Smith clan.

As for your wife-to-be?  They are easily bribed.  Like raccoons are drawn to gum wrappers, wives will forgive any trespass as long as there is a sufficient amount of bling, flowers, clothing and/or food involved.

— Jay, Once sausage, now great

Dear Jay,

As a proud parent worried about the state of the educational system, I’ve been putting a lot of serious thought into homeschooling my children.

I feel worried that I can’t control what my kids are taught in school and am convinced the only way that they will get the proper education is if I do it myself. My question, though, is where do I go about hiring a home school bully. I feel being picked in school as a child was a big part of my character building process.

Just because I’ve pulled my kids out of school, I’d hate for them to miss out on the whole bully experience.

While I’m willing to be the one to give my kids wedgies, steal their lunch money and shove them into lockers, I feel that maybe I should pull in outside help — hire a professional.  Most of today’s brightest minds were picked on as kids. I’d hate for my kids to go through life without feeling the anguish of a purple nurple.

— Concerned about kids’ futures

Dear Concerned,

But why stop with the bully?  Once you’ve hired the sociopathic predator, why don’t you invest in a nice laboratory set so your future Steven Hawking can create unstable compounds in his bedroom.  Not up to high school chemistry? Fortunately for you, aloof teaching assistants come cheap.  You could get two.

Of course, team sports are an essential part of character building.  Since you’re such a progressive homeschooler, I’m sure you have this covered.  You’ve likely produced dozens, if not scores of children by now.  Your reproductive organs are DOT certified for mass transport.  All you need now is baseball, track and football fields.  Junior can make his teams, be the starting player and alternate as a cheerleader.  Everyone wins!

Of course, you could save yourself the trouble of hiring a bully and train one of the children to be more pathological than normal.  You could shun this “alpha” child, lock him in his room, isolate him from society and deny any trappings childhood. Violå! Instant sociopath.  (Ironically, average homeschooling produces the same result.)

But I don’t think you really are homeschooler material.  First, you’re on the internet; homeschoolers don’t do that.  Second, homeschool parents don’t ask for advice; they listen to the circle-jerk rhetoric of other crazy homeschool parents.  Thirdly, homeschool parents don’t really care about their kids getting a good education or being happy; they care about the satisfaction they derive from a false sense of moral or spiritual superiority that they know what is right for their kids.

If you do go through with homeschooling, do the society a favor and tattoo “HOME EDUCATED” on their forehead so we can run and hide.

— Jay, Homeschooled and bitter

Dear Jay,

Lately, a lot of my friends have been giving me dire warnings about my mother’s current sate of well-being. While at first I wrote their advice off as mean-spirited jests, I’ve taken the time to observe my mother and I must agree — her life has become a downward spiral of shame. How can I tell her that her teeth are so yellow she spits butter without hurting her feelings? While I feel the need to warn her that she is so bald you can see what’s on her mind, I’m not sure what the best way to do that is.

Surely, she would want to know that she’s so poor she can’t afford to pay attention, but do I really want to be the one to tell her? Last week, I noticed my mother was so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone. It broke my heart but I couldn’t bring myself to notify her of her situation.

As evidenced by my friend’s warnings, other people are starting to take notice of my mother’s faults. Last week, a complete stranger came up to me and told me my mother was so fat she fell in love and broke it.

How can I help her reassess her life without sounding like I’m criticizing her? I’d hate to be the son who has to tell his own mother that she’s so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.

— Mamma’s Boy in Michigan

Dear Boy,

Stop watching Family Guy.  Seriously.  It is f**king up your brain.

Signed,

Jay, Not a “Yo Momma” Joke

PS: Given how handsome your mom is, I’m sure you’re a real catch.  Pots & kettles, if you know what I mean.

Originally from College Station, Jay is currently knee deep in law school. When not embarking on new educational quests, Jay enjoys time spent with his wife Isabelle and his small heard of Welsh Corgis.