The Carrying On of A Wayward Son

For a good part of my life, I’ve been drawn to advice columns.

Being somebody who is constantly plagued with doubt, reading “Dear Abby” or “Dear Prudence” has been a wonderful way to learn what is socially acceptable and what is the type of weird behavior that gets you talked about behind your back.

Today's guest columnist: Doug TenNapel

Unfortunately, the advice columns run in the newspaper rarely answer the type of burning questions that keep me up at night. That’s where my friends come in. I’ve been blessed with friends and family that are wonderful fountains of information and advice. Some of the advice has even been solicited.

Sometimes, though, I need help that my friends just aren’t able to provide. Whether because of my friends’ character flaws, limitations in knowledge or just because they’re tired of me asking them for advice all the time, I am forced to look elsewhere for guidance. Luckily, that’s why God gave us Famous People.

Doug TenNapel, for example, strikes me as a man of principal and insight. Between creating the video game “Earthworm Jim” and writing such incredible comic books as “Earthboy Jacobus” and “Creature Tech,” TenNapel’s character shines through every aspect of his work. His comic books are hands down the single best ambassadors of  faith I have experienced in the printed form. Full of hope and optimism, his books never fail to bring a smile to my face.

It’s no surprise, then, that I would want to read an advice column written by him. Unfortunately, Doug’s rather extensive criminal background he gained while participating in back alley naked mole rat trafficking prevents him from getting a job as an advice columnist at any respectable newspaper. That didn’t stop me from rustling up some of my own questions to solicit his responses for:

Dear Doug,

In my hurry to reach the fallout shelter before the bomb hit, it seems that I have forgotten a clean source of water. How can I sterilize my urine for consumption? Do I have any other options when it comes to hydration?

— Waterless in Walton

Dear Waterless,

There is no such thing as a zero sum game. Even if you drink your own pee, at some point, the moisture will escape your body, and you will thirst to death in that closed system. You’re going to die in the shelter, so why choose something as miserable as thirsting to death? I can think of two preferred ways to die … one is to paint the inside of the shelter with your own stool so that when rescue workers finally find you, they get a nasty mess to clean up. Serves them right for arriving too late. The other way is to pull a Michael Hutchence.

— Doug TenNapel

Dear Doug,

It appears that the family next door has become zombies. Because they are a nice enough family, I’m willing to forgive a few of their minor transgressions such as their habit of forgetting to clean the decaying corpses of victims from their front stoop, but lately something has been bothering me. They have left their Christmas lights up since last December, and quite frankly, it looks really tacky. Am I such a scrooge to expect them to take down their seasonal decorations after the season is over?

— Grinch in Davis-Gary

Grinch,

You’ve already told me everything I need to know. They’re a nice enough family. You seem to have a little hang-up because they are the evil undead.  Might I suggest you stop projecting your narrow, linear, Western, Puritanical, Republican meta-narrative onto those from different cultures? Who are we to judge our neighbor if they want to eat innocent children? I would also like to point out that Texas A&M has an inordinately low percentage of zombies in attendance (and they are all art majors). This is the typical kind of discrimination the undead have to face every day. Let them have their colored lights. Excuse me I just farted.

— Doug TenNapel

Doug TenNapel wrote this column in 2006. It originally ran in The Battalion, Texas A&M’s student newspaper.

The creator of “Earthworm Jim,” TenNapel found initial fame in developing video games such as “The Neverhood.” Since them, TenNapel has continued to find success in a variety of mediums. From authoring a series of children’s books to producing the ABC series “Push, Nevada,” TenNapel has dabbled in several aspects of entertainment. Several of his graphic novels have film adaptations in development. His first comic book, “G.E.A.R.” was adapted into a popular Nickelodeon animated series named “Catscratch.” To learn more TenNapel or to learn where you can purchase his highly recommended graphic novels, visit him on the web at www.tennapel.com.