How To Survive A Horror Movie — Home Invasion Edition
I don’t know what is scarier: home invaders or space invaders.
When’s the last time you checked underneath your bed? How long has it been since you’ve pulled the shower curtain back and taken a peak at who might be hiding behind it? What about your oven? There could be somebody hiding in your oven – albeit, a very small somebody.
The point is this: Hollywood has shown us time and time again that homes, our personal fortresses of solitude, aren’t safe. We are all one phone call from a stranger away from a knife in the back. It’s okay; I’ll give you a moment to freak the heck out.
But don’t worry; besides providing a cornucopia of anxiety, Hollywood has also been kind enough to provide some sure-fire tips to combat home invaders:
- A panic room, a room designed to be a safe haven in times of a break-in, may seem like the perfect place to hide but remember: you can’t have a panic room without the word panic. What’s worse then having somebody break into your house and violate your personal space? How about having a front-row seat to watch and not being able to do anything about it. Do you really want to stare helplessly at video monitors while home invaders drink your milk straight from the carton, pee in your toilet without lifting the seat or wipe boogers on your couch?
- The best weapon against home invaders is not a gun or knife — it’s an eight-year-old boy. While a home invader can take your gun and use it against you, an eight-year-old boy is a never-ending source of Rube Goldberg-inspired booby traps and mean-spirited trickery. In fact, eight-year-old boys have been shown to be so effective against burglars, this columnist recommends keeping at least a dozen of them stocked in your basement at all times.
- If you and your family are taken hostage by a sassy crook, try opening up to him and inviting him to join in on your family’s dysfunction. Chances are the crook may have a heart of gold and his duct-taping you and your family to chairs and stuffing gags in your mouth was just an attempt by him to reach out and connect with somebody. By ignoring his tough-talking demeanor and threats to shoot you if your family continues to bicker amongst yourselves, you and your kin can show him that love comes in all shapes and sizes. Warning: Not all criminals have a heart of gold — some really will shoot you and your family.
- The most important tip to be gleamed from the movies is this: home invasion is scary. You may just want to sell your house and move into a hotel permanently. Because nothing scary has ever happened in a hotel, right?
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I think you’ve missed your calling as a screenwriter — very funny stuff