When Animals Attack — With A Roundhouse Kick To The Face
The truth has never been so scary… or cute!
I would like to ask you, the reader, to take a break from reading my blog to take a look around you. Are there any animals in your immediate surrounding? Chances are good that there are.
It could be nothing larger then an ant or a spider crawling across the floor of your office. If you are reading this outside, perhaps a squirrel is hiding a nut in a nearby tree. If at home, it could be your faithful dog Rover lying at your feet, legs twitching as he dreams of chasing rabbits. Maybe it’s just the three-toed sloth that’s watching you though binoculars from the rooftop across the street.
That’s right, the sloth is there. Don’t look now, you’ll tip him off that you know. Know what, you may be asking. The truth is this: animals know martial arts.
This summer’s comedy G-Force may seem like a rollicking good time. A movie featuring a team of wisecracking guinea pigs surely is full of heart, warmth and more life lessons then one can rightfully bear — but that’s exactly what they want you to think. In truth, the movie is a cautionary tale put forth to warn humanity of the danger that lurks behind every litter box.
If given a chance, animals – every single one of them – would not only bite the hand that feed it, they would give it a roundhouse kick to the head.
That ant crawling around your feet — it’s doing reconnaissance.
The squirrel hiding the nut — it’s been storing projectile weapons in place for the upcoming revolution.
And the dog seemingly dreaming of catching rabbits? Try dreaming of performing Capoeira — the Brazilian form of dance/fighting.
Perhaps you’ll regret all those years of training Rover to dance in hopes of entering him on David Letterman’s Stupid Pet Tricks when your dog is a swirling cloud of kicks and two-steps.
G-Force is not the first film to attempt to warn humans of the danger of animal warriors. Did you really think Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was just the result of two men getting drunk and eating a lot of pizza? No, it was there to inform the rest of us that animals were secretly training to become experts in both karate and Renaissance painters. Same with Kung-Fu Panda. I’ll bet you thought Hong Kong Phooey was just a bad cartoon from the ‘70s instead of a desperate warning that there exists canines that are both number one super guys and quicker then the human eye.
So this summer, as you watch the animated adventures of a bunch of warrior rodents, be afraid. Be very afraid.
(Psst… To any animals that may be reading out there, I’m more then willing to betray the rest of humanity in exchange for my own life.)
