Alien Loves Predator

My complaints mostly come out at night. Mostly.

Wolf Man and Frankenstein. King Kong and Godzilla. Jason and Freddy. There are some people that, if put in a room together, just can’t seem to hold hands and get along.

Case in point: Alien and Predator, the Tom and Jerry of the extraterrestrial set, continue their fight on Earth in Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem. For those looking for a little Alien on Predator action to spice up their Saturday night, I would very much like to recommend the sequel to 2004’s Alien vs. Predator. In fact, I would love nothing more than to recommend the film, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I would feel too dirty.

Like a fool, I had high expectations to the second film that would attempt to combine two of my favorite franchises. After Peanut Butter and Jelly: The Motion Picture, there have never been two icons better suited for a crossover movie then Xenomorphs (Aliens for those not in the know) and Predators. Even though the first film was a failure, the idea behind it was still solid. Surely, I thought, Requiem couldn’t be as disappointing a film as Paul W.S. Anderson’s initial offering.

Anderson’s film had been like going on a date with a really hot girl from school, discovering that inside her pretty little head was nothing more then cotton candy and asbestos, excusing yourself in the middle of the date to go the restroom with the intent of ditching her only to be captured by pirates and sold as a slave to space monkeys.

Requiem, on the other hand, is like escaping from space monkey slavery only to find yourself performing a non-paid internship as a flight attendant on Space Lord Xenu’s galactic Douglas DC-8 — a real frying pan into the thetan-fueled fire scenario.

It’s hard to put my finger on just what was so disappointing about Requiem. I really would need to use several fingers. Maybe even a thumb. Cookie-cutter characters that would fail to register sympathy from a priest bounced off of a paper-thin plot that did the Macarena over all the rules and logic that had been established by the previous films in the franchises.

A lackluster ending was just the rotten cherry on the ice cream sundae for this lactose-intolerant movie fan. The film, in the end, served as a requiem for any dream I may have had for a quality Alien vs. Predator film.

But, like a Lifetime channel original movie character, I will keep returning to the lover that continuously dishes out pain. Even though I should have learned better by now, I will be first in line for tickets to Aliens vs. Predator 3: In Space, No One Can Here You Complain.