I’d Like To Thank The Little People
I’d like to thank the little people. They make such delicious Lucky Charms.
While most men in America look forward to the Super Bowl, I find myself getting all sweaty with anticipation for the Academy Awards. I look forward to that one Sunday night were the stars align. It’s movie fans, though, and not astronomers that are in a titter. As America’s favorite actors and actresses walk the Kodak Theater’s red carpet, many of them will have only one thing on their mind as they are surrounded by a sea of paparazzi: their preemptive Oscar acceptance speech.
An award winner’s acceptance speech can be just as memorable, if not more memorable, then the role they actually won for. When preparing for a speech, there are so many questions a nominee must ask themselves: Who to thank? How to approach the stage? What tribe of Native American should decline the award on your behalf?
Being your friendly neighborhood movie blogger, I’ve prepared a simple formula for creating the perfect Oscar acceptance speech. Just customize this speech to fit your needs and you will have the perfect way to say ‘Thank you for giving me this tiny naked golden man.”
“I just want to (thank/congratulate/caution) you for recognizing me for my (performance/mad skillz/chiseled good looks) as a (handicapped single parent/holocaust survivor who fought Nazis with bottomless optimism/cantankerous but lovable college professor).
The other nominees are a (talented/undeserving/strangely arousing) group who all deserve (this award/prison time/fear and respect).
Standing on this stage, I’m (overfilled/overwhelmed/overfed) with (pride/envy/some other assorted seven deadly sin).
Having this award to (put on my mantle place/melt down and sell on the black market/keep me company on those cold, lonely nights) is a (honor/unfortunate side-effect/memory that I won’t remember after tonight’s after party).
I’d like to (give props to/taunt/spit on the graves of) the cast and crew who worked with me on the movie. Those long nights were we (fought with/made love to/avoided) each other are sure worth it now, huh?
I’d also like to thank (my family/L. Ron Hubbard/the Cigarette Smoking Man) for helping me to get this far. Without their (support/back alley dealings/well-timed political assassinations), heaven knows I’d still be (doing community theater/making pornos/filthy rich with daddy’s money).
But most of all, I’d like to thank (my fans/my wish giving monkey’s paw/the drugs). It’s you that (supported/obsessed over/stalked) me and because of that, this (award/night/Bud) is for you.
In closing, I’d just like to say (you love me, you really love me/I’m the king of the world/live from New York, it’s Saturday night)!”
