Taking a bite out of crime: Part 2 — The Dork Knight protects this store
I slowly stalked my prey through the music section. I didn’t hide the fact that I was following him. I wanted the kid to know. And know he did.
Crime may get you a movie deal, but it will also come back to bite you in the end.
He watched me from the corner of his eyes as he absent-mindedly browsed through the rap CDs. Coming up right up to him, I asked if he enjoyed the magazine.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said without much conviction.
“The pornographic magazine. Did you enjoy it?”
On retrospect, I realize that my little Dirty Harry impression was probably taking it a bit far. In fact, it was my attempt to intimidate the perp into a confession that attracted the attention of another customer.
“Oh no, you didn’t,” I heard a woman scream into my ear. “I didn’t just hear you accusing that young man of stealing a magazine. Where’s your evidence? What have you got?”
Startled by the conversation’s intruder, I turned to look at the woman who was making the scene.
“I’m just trying to talk to this gentlemen about a magazine he was about to pay for,” I attempted to explain.
It was no use. The woman had officially made the problem her business and launched into a fiery sermon, unrelenting in it’s busting of my chops.
Looking away from her, I noticed that the kid had slipped away from my grasp and was high tailing it out the store.
“Look, he got away,” I told the woman.
“Good for him. Even if he did steal that magazine, it’s not like he hurt nobody.”
I hate that excuse. “I wasn’t hurting anybody when I tried to steal the candy bar.” “Nobody’s gonna get hurt if I read the book in the store instead of buying it.”
Sure. You’re right. By pocketing a CD from a store, you’re not causing genocide, spreading plague or giving anybody a Charlie horse. What you are doing, though, is ensuring that the cost of merchandise will steadily rise in order for the store to recover the loss of revenue from stolen products. Employees will be paid less, leading to more counter jockeys attempting to steal themselves. It’s a never-ending circle of crime.
In the end, I never directly brought a perp to justice. I was able to hand over video surveillance of two kids stealing a DVD boxset that led to their eventual arrest but I wasn’t there to enjoy my victory.
I saw with my own eyes a kid stuff a video game down his pants pocket but, when I confronted him about it, the kid pulled a Criss Angel and made it disappear. His parents even volunteered to frisk him. The game had vanished.
Now, several years out of the retail game, I still fantasize about catching a shoplifter and bringing down the swift hammer of justice. As I walk through Wal-Mart, I can spot the likely signs of criminal activities — empty packages lying on the floor, kids walking around with huge puffy jackets even though it’s 90 degrees outside, and customers carrying single DVD cases into the depths of the clothing department where they will most-likely rip open the packaging and stuff the disk down their pants.
I’m not a moral lighthouse of derring-do or anything. I have my vices just like everybody else on the planet. I just ask myself everyday, What Would Batman Do? Batman wouldn’t steal; he’d drop shoplifters off of rooftops and break their legs.
your a f-ing punk, who the hell do you think you are, if
you wanted to be a cop you should have joined the force,
civilians should mind their own buisness you think your
gonna get a medal of honor for tailing people in stores
why dont you go be a real hero tough guy take your butt
to the southside of phoenix and go follow the drug dealers
out their and watch them conducting buisness and as soon
as they make a sale go grab them youll be getting a dealer
off the street and doing some real justice by saving a kids
life you comic book crank head, get with reality you wont do all that cause u want to live so if you wont mess with real gangsters then dont be a coward by stalking high school kids i wish you would follow me, thatll be your last mistake, your a newjack so i suggest to go get a life before
you may not have one doing stupid sh#t
Dear “Anonymous,”
First off, thanks for reading!
To answer your questions (well, truth be told, I’m not sure if they are questions because you don’t seem to have a grasp on punctuation yet), I think the hell that I was a store manger.
As somebody who was in charge of the general upkeep and continued success of a retail outlet, it was one of my duties to prevent shrinkage (shoplifting to those out of the know).
While shoplifting is most assuredly not as bad of a crime as drug dealing (in or out of the south side of Phoenix), continued theft at the store could lead to decreased profits which would eventually lead to the need to let employees go. Thus, it is in my best interest to deter potential shoplifters with “tough guy” tactics unless I wanted to end up in the unemployment line.
As for getting a medal for honor for my deeds, I can only wish. Maybe one day the president will recognize my heroic efforts to curb store theft but until that day, I’ll have to make do with my own memories of derring do and inter-store vigilantism.
As for branching out and taking up my game into stopping drug dealers, let me assure you: I’ve put considerable thought into that idea. Me being a “comic book crank head,” I am currently assembling a costume that would strike fear into criminals, notoriously a cowardly and superstitious lot.
The construction on the cave that will serve as my crime fighting base of operations, though, is currently behind schedule so my career as a “Real Hero Tough Guy” (would you mind if I used this as my super hero name? I really like it!) will have to wait a few years.
In the meantime, I will leave you with a simple question of my own: What is a newjack?
Once again, thanks for reading.
Love,
Robert