How I Spent My Summer Vacation (at the movies)
The last year has been tough for everybody. With threats ranging from economic meltdown to swine flu to octomoms, it’s time for a break from the stress of the real world. It’s time for a summer vacation.
A trip to Europe can only end in one way: Chainsaws.
When planning a summer getaway, there are plenty of choices to pick from. From the budget-conscious safety net of SeaWorld to the extravagant escapism of a sunny island beach, there is no shortage of summer travel destinations.
When picking your summer vacation getaway, why not turn to the greatest source of insight mankind has been blessed with since the Magic 8 Ball: Movies.
The aisles of your local video store are filled with solid advice for planning the perfect summer vacation. For example, here are some places movies have taught us never to visit.
Europe
Whether you’re being bitten by a hungry werewolf on the English moors, having your daughter sold into sex slavery by fiendish Armenians or just being taken from your hostel and tortured by a group of wealthy and powerful businessmen looking to get their jollies, your European trip will end in tears. Guaranteed.
Movies have taught us to fear the unknown and the old equally. Europe is chock-full of both. Between cults that are all too willing to sacrifice you to their pagan gods and the French, there are few reasons to jump the pond and visit the old country.
If you’re looking for a taste of culture, why not take a trip to Epcot instead?
The cabin in the woods
Your boyfriend’s uncle has a great cabin in the woods that would be just perfect for a kegger? You know of an abandoned shack in the forest to which you can bring those girls from class for a make-out session? Sounds too good to be true, right? It is.
That cabin may seem like the perfect place for a party, but chances are you won’t be getting down with boogie fever. Instead, you’ll probably be exposed to flesh-eating bacteria, some kind of crazed supernatural slasher or demons called forth from the pit by a curious archaeologist who reads aloud from the Necronomicon.
Your standard “cabin in the woods” scenario almost always ends with death, mutilation and quiet sobbing. If you’re not being disturbing by a Blair Witch, your car is breaking down on the way to the cabin and you’re being hunted down by crazed rednecks.
Instead of exposing yourself to that kind of horror, why not just suck it up and spend time with your parents this summer? There may not be any less quiet sobbing, but nobody will chase you around with a machete. Probably.
The future
Back to the Future Part II may have sold you on the idea of a time- traveling vacation this summer, but trust me: Hovering skateboards are not worth the risk of ending up in any of the other post-apocalyptic futures humanity has waiting for it.
The lure of jetting into the future to pick up sports stats with the intent of making a killing in the present day may tempt you, but when you’re being hooked up to wires and used as a battery for robots, you’ll be wishing you’d listened to my advice.
If you do decide to travel to the future, you may come across Christian Bale (either battling SkyNet’s robotic armies, fighting off giant dragons or acting cold and emotionless as he displays awesome gun-fighting skills). Whatever you do, though, don’t adjust the lights while he’s making an important speech. Do that, and you and Bale might just be done, professionally.
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