The Definition of Irony
I can be a real jerk sometimes. Past examples of my behavior have ranged from deplorable to despicable to downright dickish.
I cho-cho-choose you...
Nowhere else in my life is this more evident then in my previous romantic relationships. Before your mind starts racing with visions of domestic abuse or other such shameful shenanigans, I’m going to have to clarify my confession.
I’m not a violent man and the thought of physically hurting a woman makes me extremely nauseous. No, my past offensives have all been emotional offensives — fully legal, just entirely juvenile. Yes, I’m that asshole.
As it is, my life often times reads like the Goofus portion of a Highlights Magazine column. Constantly making the wrong decision or aggravating a bad situation, I’ve stumbled through my years stepping on toes and rubbing people the wrong way.
Sometimes it’s the out-of-place and unneeded comment I said at the worst possible occasion. I’m the guy who would ask Little Orphan Annie what her parents got her for Christmas.
Other times it’s my dangerously low lack of empathy that prevents me from making the one gesture that would have solved everything. Not only did I forget our anniversary, I didn’t realize we were even a couple.
You can see how, then, why my thoughtfulness would cramp my dating life.
I’ve been the guy who, when he tired of the girl he was dating, choose to turn off his phone for a week instead of being a man and break up with her. Heck, I’ve gone on a movie date with a girl and, when I didn’t like the movie she wanted to see, got up and pretended to go to the restroom only to slip out the theater’s exit.
It is hard for me to justify any of my behavior. Any attempt for me to explain why I felt the need to leave a girl alone in the theater instead of sitting through another hour and a half of a bad movie will probably fall on deaf ears. Here we go anyway.
I was left emotionally stunted after an early romance and, in comparison to the handful of girls whom I’ve truly felt feelings for, most of the woman I deal with on a daily basis have the romantic appeal of Dame Judy Dench. I also am almost entirely composed of curmudgeon-esque personality traits that have the unfortunate side effect of me finding most people (including incredibly attractive women) really annoying. I assume for most of you, these are not valid excuses and you are currently looking for a heavy shoe or boot to hurl my way. Don’t worry — I’ve already taken the liberty.
That’s not the only thing I took. Last year, after a disastrously unfortunate turn of events in a relationship that left me curled up in a fetal position of self-loathing and despair, I realized that I was tired of being the guy I’d became.
So, pointing my compass steadily at the problem, I realized that I needed to put things in perspective. If I couldn’t be a good romantic partner, I wasn’t going to be any romantic partner. I took a vow of celibacy – physical and emotional – until I could shape up my behavior. For the past year, not only have I shied away from any type of relationship – I’ve run from it as if it were the plague.
I’m proud to say that I feel like I new person. Perspective, thy name is abstinence.
I do realize, though, that actions speak louder then words and that’s why I’m proud to say that I’ve officially re-entered the dating scene in order to prove my new gentleman attitude. Mothers, there’s no need to lock your doors. I assure you, I’m a changed man.
