The Greatest Remake Ever Told
Every time I sit down to work on a movie script, a single thought always comes surfacing to the top of my brain: All the good ideas in Hollywood are taken.
"The Passion of the Christ" was a great movie that made a lot of money but with the help of Hollywood suits, it could have been even better and made even more money!
It’s so hard to come up with a new, original story that most writers don’t even try anymore. Over half of the movies playing in theatres today are remakes or sequels. Even my cutting-edge observation isn’t original. People have been complaining about Hollywood’s lack of creativity since as long as I can remember enjoying movies. Personally, I don’t know what the big fuss is. I think the idea of a remake or sequel is genius.
Before you start questioning my taste in movies, let me explain.
When you were a child, you were probably told bedtime stories or sung nursery rhymes … unless you had bad parents; then you were probably beaten … or worse.
But for those of you with good parents, when mommy or daddy told you the story of the three little pigs, did you call them uncreative hacks? Did you deride their ability to create original works of fiction? Of course not, you listened with bated breath as they added new details and twists to the classic stories they had learned as children.
Storytelling is built on repetition. A story gets better, for the most part, the more its told and the more people who tell it. As the story is passed around like a game of telephone or a village prostitute, it continues to grow, picking up additions and interpretations.
As it grows, it evolves. It changes into something new and exciting; something alive. A remake is the same, essentially. It’s a classic tale reinterpreted to fit with today’s cultural needs and standards. It’s a representation of the current state of society. It’s a mirror to our collective soul.
If the remake is a representation of today’s society and it comes out crappy, though, what does that say about our generation?
I’m just joshing you.
Some remakes are crappy because the people who made them are crappy.
That being said, Hollywood has an idea for the ultimate remake: The Greatest Story Ever Told.
Take it away Hollywood producer.
“I’m talking, of course, about The Bible.
But let’s skip over that Old Testament stuff, though. It’s kind of depressing. The second half is what the people want. They eat that stuff up like its cotton candy.
But we’re going to have to spruce it up a bit for today’s audiences.
There needs to be some kind of love story in it.
Hmmm.
“Brokeback Mountain” did pretty well. Maybe we could… nah… that wouldn’t work.
Or would it?
What we need to do is cast young if we want to build a new franchise.
I’m thinking we get one of those kids from the Disney Channel to play Jesus.
Maybe one of the Jonas Brothers?
But he needs to be “toyetic.”
Let’s give him some arctic or jungle costumes or some kind of exo-skeleton armor. Maybe some ninja-stealth-ware?
And we need a bad guy.
Maybe two? We could sell more toys that way.
“This Summer: Jesus must conquer the darkness within if he hopes to take on Judas. But who’s that waiting in the wings? Why, it’s the Prince of Darkness, himself, Satan! Coming to a theater near you.”
And we need to make sure that we have as many commercial tie-ins as we can possibly cram into two hours.
What? The Bible takes place in the past? There weren’t any companies back then that we can do corporate tie-ins with?
That’s not going to work.
Let’s reset this story to the present day.
In California.
In the O.C.
And let’s have plenty of car chases.
And explosions.
Get the guys in the lab to start working on their CGI stigmata effects.
You know what else we could use?
A teen sidekick.
What about that Shia LaBeouf kid?
No, wait. Let’s make him black.
We can pull in the “urban” audience that way.
“What ‘chu talkin’ about Jesus?”
Genius.
Hmm… what else are we missing?
Can we get Nickleback to do some kind of song for the soundtrack?
And then get Puff Daddy to do a dance remix of their song.
And then get John Williams to do a bombastic score version of Puff Daddy’s dance remix of Nickleback’s song.
We can release three; count ‘em three, concept albums.
I can taste the money already. And it tastes like sweet, sweet wine.
Speaking of wine, do you think we could get Jesus to turn water into a specific brand of wine?
And what if we got Black and Decker to do some kind of cross-promotion with their power drills at the crucifixion scene?
Wait?
Do we really want to crucify him?
There goes any possibility for a sequel.
We could always get Michael Bay to direct “Jesus II: The Tribulation.”
Let me ask you this, are we going to hell for this?”
Yes, Hollywood. Yes you are.
