The Carrying On of A Wayward Son

For a good part of my life, I’ve been drawn to advice columns.

Today's Guest Columnist: Daniel Wallace

Being somebody who is constantly plagued with doubt, reading “Dear Abby” or “Dear Prudence” has been a wonderful way to learn what is socially acceptable and what is the type of weird behavior that gets you talked about behind your back.

Unfortunately, the advice columns run in the newspaper rarely answer the type of burning questions that keep me up at night. That’s where my friends come in. I’ve been blessed with friends and family that are wonderful fountains of information and advice. Some of the advice has even been solicited.

Sometimes, though, I need help that my friends just aren’t able to provide. Whether because of my friends’ character flaws, limitations in knowledge or just because they’re tired of me asking them for advice all the time, I am forced to look elsewhere for guidance. Luckily, that’s why God gave us Famous People.

Daniel Wallace, for example, wrote a book that contains cover-to-cover home spun wisdom nestled within tall tales and fanciful fatherly fantasies. The book, “Big Fish: A Novel of Mystic Proportions,” is the basis for Tim Burton’s 2003 film of the same name. Like the film, Wallace’s novel is chock-full of solid advice and sound philosophy. 

Because words in a book do not materialize out of thin air but are instead plucked meticiously (and often painfully) from a writer’s mind, it’s no surprise that I’d want to read an advice column written by Daniel Wallace. Unfortunately, Daniel’s rather extensive criminal background he gained while operating as an unauthorized masked vigilante in the streets of Gotham City prevents him from getting a job as an advice columnist at any respectable newspaper. That didn’t stop me from rustling up some of my own questions to solicit his responses for:

Dear Daniel,

I really enjoy football games. Unfortunately, whenever I put on my maroon and white body paint, I end up experiencing an allergic reaction. This semester my friends are obsessed about the idea of spelling “Aggies Rule” with body paint on our chests. They say they need me to be the letter “L” because I’m so tall. I don’t want to let my friends down, but I also don’t want to suffer a horrible reaction. Can I still be a highly spirited, brightly colored letter “L” without being in god-awful pain? 

— Tormented at Texas A&M

Dear Tormented,

It sounds as if the letter ‘L’ applies to you in more than one way, because you’re clearly a loser. Without you, your friends would be left spelling AGGIES RUE, and that’s surely bound to raise a number of questions, a question which will demand many more painted students to answer it. AGGIES RUE . . . what? Perhaps they rue the day you decided to become an Aggie instead of a Longhorn. So the answer to your question is no. Not only should you suffer, you should be willing to die for your team; the football players are willing to — why not you? Or do you need your mommy? Bottom line: There’s no place for you here.  Go home. 

— Daniel Wallace

Dear Daniel,

I’m having a problem finding a date to this week’s Midnight Yell. I don’t know what the problem is. I always wear a really wacky outfit designed to pump my fellow students up, and yet all women seem to do is point and laugh. I don’t want to compromise the integrity of my school spirit, but at the same time I would really like to have a date. 

— Dateless in Dorm

Dear Dateless,

There is someone out there for you. You just have to be creative. First of all, why limit yourself to girls? Surely there are other men who  might find you attractive? And don’t stop there. Team mascots — “furries” — are always looking for companionship. You may roll that way without even knowing it. Also, paying for a date “in advance” helps as well. I’m sure many, if not most, of the students in your section go out after the game, together, to one huge bar, where they talk and have fun. Were you not invited? How sad is that? Write a novel.  The women will go crazy for you then.

— Daniel Wallace

Dear Daniel,

I have school spirit, yes I do. I have school spirit, how ’bout you?

— Containing Spirit in College Station

Dear Containing,

The truth is, I do not have school spirit, especially as it applies to sports. I feel that it’s become a business — the players aren’t here to learn, and many of them can’t read or write. They’re given a latitude that the regular student can only dream of and are idolized for their single-minded and idiotic way of life . . . Hey — just kidding! I have a ton of school spirit! Want some?

— Daniel Wallace

Daniel Wallace wrote this column in 2006. It originally ran in The Battalion, Texas A&M’s student newspaper.

A celebrated novelist, Wallace is best known for his novel “Big Fish: A Novel of Mystic Proportions.” He has also written the books “Mr. Sebastian and the Negro Magician,” “Ray in Reverse,” and “The Watermelon King.” Wallace is also a professor and lecturer at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. Visit Daniel Wallace on the web at www.danielwallace.org.