That Evil Son of a Witch
This month “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” was released in theaters. A continuation of the popular film franchise based on the even more popular series of children’s books about a young boy discovering his destiny as a powerful wizard, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” was a monster summer blockbuster.
This story was originally published in "The Bryan/College Station Eagle"
Let us not forget, though, the truth behind films such as “Harry Potter.” And that truth, my friends, is that witchcraft kills.
Sure modern witches and wizards would like you to believe that they are nothing more then harmless nature loving hippies who are more keen to stock up on tofu and hemp clothing then eye of newt or wart of toad, but the truth of the matter is history is speckled long and deep with stories of death by magic.
Film, humanity’s most reliable source of information about our past since cave drawings, offers up a full lineup of undisputable proof that witches are as evil as their noses are crooked. From “The Wizard of Oz” to “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” cinema has long shined the light on magical malpractice.
So, if the showing of “Harry Potter” that you wanted to see was sold out, why not stay at home and watch one of these other witchcraft-steeped films. Don’t enjoy yourself, though. Instead, use your time to take notes on how to defeat those evil sons of witches.
The Witches (1990)
Angelica Huston has seen better days.
It doesn’t take much to make Angelica Huston scary. The power and proclivity to turn young boys into rodents goes a long way, though. “The Witches,” an adaptation of Roald Dahl’s classic children’s story is one of the scariest movies made for children ever produced.
When a young boy stumbles upon a witches’ convention, he takes it upon himself to save the day and defeat the magical mistresses. The stakes are high (the witches are plotting to rid the world of all children) and the dangers are deep, but a true hero never gives up — even when he’s been turned into a rat.
The film makes note of several ways to tell if you are dealing with a witch, among them: baldness, deformed hands and square stubbed feet. Next time you see a balding, arthritic woman with square tipped shoes, don’t be afraid to knock her down and sprinkle her with holy water. The boys-turned-rats of the world will thank you.
The Craft (1996)
Hot girls using magic is one of the internet's top fetish searches.
Staring Robin Tunney, Fairuza Balk, Neve Campbell and Skeet Ulrich, “The Craft” features the torrid tale of teenage witches gone bad.
From petty spells designed to make rivals’ hair fall out to the unbridled audacity to levitate pencils in class, these witches are out of control. When they invoke the Great Spirit Manon and unleash an untold evil upon the world, it’s up to the purest of the witches (which is like being the least white of the polar bears) to stop the others and reign supreme in a battle of the magicks.
A clichéd teen horror movie in every way, “The Craft” features hot girls engaging in supernatural cat fights — so essentially, it’s like the perfect movie for subscribers to Maxim Magazine.
Skeet Ulrich is SO underappreciated — thanks for noticing
I really liked Mr. Ulrich in the short-lived show “Miracles.”
Let’s not forget him in Jericho! That was a pretty good show too.