The Carrying On of A Wayward Son

“AVP: Alien vs Predator” — 2004

Metacritic score: 29 out of 100

Rotten Tomato score: 22 out of 100

IMDB score: 5.4 out of 10

I’ve seen “Alien vs Predator” before. Several times. In fact, in the interest of full disclosure, I own “Alien vs Predator.”

The Alien and Predator species enjoy mixing it up on the dance floor nearly as much as they enjoy killing each other with teeth and claws.

I’ll be the first to admit it’s not a great film. It is a fun film, though — and that is the main reason why I decided to begin my project with Paul W.S. Anderson’s science fiction creature smackdown.

To those who have not seen “AVP,” the 2004 action movie pits the stars of two legendary science fiction franchises, “Alien” and “Predator,” against each other.

The Predators, a species of dreadlock wearing, armor plated crab monsters are hunters on the search for the ultimate prey.

Xenomorphs, those vaguely phallic influenced extraterrestrials from the “Aliens” movies,” are mindless killing machines that enjoy long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners and poking people with their toothy mouth erections.

Together, the two are the Tom and Jerry of the galaxy, constantly dueling it out with no regards to property damage or the safety of innocent bystanders.

And what kind of Paul W.S. Anderson film would it be without a crew of black body armor wearing, gun-toting special ops bystanders.

In “AVP,” the film’s red shirts are a group of research scientists, mercenaries and arctic drillers — but essentially they all have the same job title: cannon fodder.

As a film that wears is silliness on its sleeve, “AVP” is by all definitions a bad movie. Sub-par special effects, overblown performances and a script potmarked with plot holes add up to a flick that has a hard time endearing itself to audiences.

A large part of the animosity most critics had with the film had to do with the fact that, unlike the original bloody franchises, “AVP” was given a PG-13 rating, with its blood and gore left on the cutting room floor.

I was one of those initial whining fanboys, mewing about missing carnage like a little boy who lost his balloon. After having seen the sequel, “AVP: Requiem,” though, I realize that blood and guts do not make a good movie. While “AVP 2” featured its fair share of dismemberments, child deaths and popped pregnant women bellies, it lacked heart (well, besides the ripped out and exposed hearts of the film’s casualties).

Rewatching “Aliens vs Predator,” I think I’m starting to come to the realization that a movie doesn’t have to be ultra-violent and full of four-letter words to still be fun. Sure, those things help, but in the end they may not be necessary.

I watched “Predator” for the first time when I was in third grade. My parents, feeling I did a good job in school, let me watch the movie as a treat. Sitting there, seated Indian-style in front of the television, I was enraptured by the story of one lone Austrian’s battle against an alien reggae singer. At the time, I was totally tweaked by the site of skinned human bodies hanging from trees, but I think I came out okay in the end.

Maybe it’s a good thing that we have an “Aliens vs Predator” movie rated for teens. They can still watch and enjoy a dumb science fiction punch ‘em up movie without having to worry about nightmares staring Jessie Ventura.

My take: Bad but enjoyable