A Year of Bad Movies # 17 — “Transmorphers”
Transmorphers (2007)
IMDB Score: 1.8 out of 10
God bless Asylum Studio and their world famous mockbusters. Asylum, the production house responsible for putting out some of the worst straight-to-DVD movies in recent years, will give me plenty of movies to watch this year and, if they are all like “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus” and “Transmorphers,” I couldn’t be happier.
There is a rule for bad movies: the cooler the cover, the worse the movie.
Owing more to the recent reimagining of “Battlestar Galatica” then “Transformers,” “Transmorphers” is about humanity’s struggle against an imposing army of shape-changing aliens that come to Earth and enslave it.
Having been driven underground for hundreds of years, humanity has finally decided that enough is enough and devise a plan to not only retake the surface of their planet but to finally rid themselves of their Gobot wannabe oppressors once and for all.
Fans of bad movies have everything they could possibly want in “Transmorphers.” There are cheesy special effects, unbelievably long scenes of exposition weighed down by military-jargon heavy dialog, a final act plot twist that’s as obvious as it is retarded and all the hot lesbian action you could ask for.
It seems that in the future of “Transmorphers” not only has humanity finally OK’d homosexual marriage, every single last survivor of mankind possesses the good looks of either a high-class striper or a CW prime-time soap star.
And you know what? It makes sense. Why would ugly people survive a robotic-induced holocaust? The only people who are going to propagate and continue the human race are going to be the good-looking lads and ladies that possess solid genes.
This survival of the prettiest means that “Transmorphers” gives audiences the distinct pleasure of watching scene after scene of porn star looking actresses bark military orders and pretend to shoot guns at walking toaster ovens. As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing wrong with that.
“Transmorphers” is a deliriously bad film — one that not only embraces its poor production quality but also writhes around in it like rich people writhe around in beds covered with money.
But you know what? Watching the movie, I couldn’t help but feel that it must have been a blast to make. I feel relatively certain that the actors and actresses had a whole lot of fun on the set of “Transmorphers” as they got to play solder and fight CGI robots — something that, if it wasn’t for bad movies, they might never had a chance to do.
I’m also sure that the movie was made solely in the hopes of horning in on some of that “Transformers” money during the summer of 2007. That much is obvious. But if their was joy in the filmmaking and the cast and crew did have as much of a good time making the movie as they seem to have had, I’m not going to sit here and shake my finger at them.
No, I’m going to get down on my knees and ask, nay plead, Aslyum Studio, to let me make a bad movie for them. Pretty please? With sugar on top?
