A Year of Bad Movies # 19 — “18-Year-Old Virgin”
18-Year-Old Virgin (2009)
IMDB Score: 2.6 out of 10
Just when you think you know a movie studio…
I assumed that The Asylum, the studio behind “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus” and “Transmorphers” was strictly in the business of making cheesy low-budget science fiction movies.
Low and behold, it turns out they also make cheesy low-budget teen sex comedies. Or at least that’s what I think that’s what “18-Year-Old Virgin” was supposed to be.
I've got to admire any movie that will cast almost exclusively douche bags.
Truth be told, syphilis is more funny then the movie. I’d rather hear the death rattle of a puppy dog then have to watch this terrible, terrible movie again.
“18-Year-Old Virgin” stars Olivia Alaina May as Katie Powers, a high school senior on the verge of graduation with only one thing on her mind — sharing a bed with her long-time crush Ryan Lambert (played by Dustin Harnish). The only problem is Ryan refuses to sleep with a virgin. Desperate to have sex with the man she believes to be her soul mate, Katie hatches a plan to loose her virginity before Ryan leaves town the next morning.
This, of course, leads to a wacky night of sexual shenanigans and near misses for Katie.
In the film, Katie is treated with the level of scorn usually reserved for child rapists and Joe Wilson due to the fact that she is a virgin. Fellow classmates offer her sneers, snide comments and flat out hostility as they discover she hasn’t had sex yet at the ripe old age of 18.
Speaking of ripe old ages, the actors in this film appear to have been recruited from a 10-year high school reunion.
Seriously … watching full-grown men and women pretend to be high school students gave me the creepy feeling I could only imagine one must experience when watching “barely legal” pornography.
I say pornography because that is the only reason I would expect someone might watch this film. Much more a soft-core porno then any kind of real comedy, the movie trades in T&A far more then jokes.
In fact, the plot is about as threadbare as a “Family Guy” episode’s with scenes hastily strung together in an excuse to cram as much disrobing as humanely possible. I’m not just talking side-boob either. There are several scenes that feature full-frontal nudity including some of the smallest dicks to ever grace the movie screen since Joe Pesci.
I imagine this film is popular amongst dirty old men.
One of the worst parts about the movie has to be the fact that the filmmakers chose to use the same crappy song over and over again. I’m not kidding, I feel like I heard “67special” by Honkystomp once every ten minutes. It didn’t matter what the scene was, the song was played as if there was a subliminal message contained within that would somehow convince audiences that they were watching a funny movie.
I will say one nice thing about “18-Year-Old Virgin.” The acting from most of the main characters wasn’t all that bad. None of the film’s cast is going to become the next big thing in Hollywood, but they all did an acceptable job working with the atrocious script that was served to them. Except for one man.
Normally I would feel bad about singling out an actor in a small-budget film — especially a guy with only three films to his credit. But J. Michael Trautmann’s acting in “18-Year-Old Virgin” is so gloriously bad it transcends awful to become something almost sublime.
J. Michael Trautmann delivers lines like he only just recently learned how to talk.
Trautmann delivers every line with a smug lazy smirk that threatens to overtake his face. Acting like he has been slipped horse tranquilizers, Trautmann waltzes through the movie gloriously unaware of just how poor he is delivering lines. Seriously, he’s high school play understudy’s understudy bad. He is so bad, I pray he is cast in a hundred movies just so I can see him “pffft” and roll his eyes five hundred more times.
So what did I learn from “18-Year-Old Virgin”?
Apparently if you have not lost your virginity by the time you graduate high school, you have failed at everything in life. Pretty girls like to masturbate while staring in mirrors. If you shave your pubic hair, it may stick to your face and cause you to look like a yeti. You don’t need to have a large penis in order to participate in a threesome; you just need to know the producer. Even pretty girls may have self-esteem issues that cause them to stuff their bra with raw chicken.
And the most important thing I learned from watching “18-Year-Old Virgin”?
The Asylum will give anybody money to make a movie. What are you waiting for The Asylum? I’ve got a couple of great scripts titled “Impregnated” and “Hilarious Guys.”
I’ll see you in them 100 movies soon fool, keep up your 1st Ammendment, I love the fuel!
Pffft! God speed, my friend! If given the opportunity, I will gladly watch anything you appear in. Of that, I am 88 percent serious about! You bring the acting, I’ll bring the horse tranquilizers.
Haha this is so funny. I was in a few plays in high school with “J. Michael.” Always thought he was a sucky actor…I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who realized this!