The Carrying On of A Wayward Son

Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape! (2005)

IMDB Score: 3.7 out of 10

Earlier this week I watched Chris Seaver’s film “Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker!”

It showed a lot of promise from what appeared to be an imaginative director with a love for cheesy horror movies. Sure, it was crude and poorly made but Peter Jackson eventually made “Lord of the Rings” — and look at his early stuff!

At least it was only an hour long...

This is why I went into “Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape!,” released four years and five movies after the original film, hoping to see the maturation of a filmmaker.

Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse.

Chris Seaver proves that there is an audience for every type of movie. Apparently, as long as people continue to buy into Seaver’s terrible moves, he sees no reason to leave his niche.

Well, let me be the first to tell you, Chris. It’s time to spread your wings, show a little talent and fly. Perhaps consider finding a mentor who isn’t Lloyd Kaufman. Almost any working filmmaker out there could offer you some guidance into improving your craft — even Dr. Uwe Boll.

“Mulva 2” drops the whole zombie shtick from the first movie and instead crafts an unapologetically shoddy spoof of the “Kill Bill” films.

Like a child who saw “Jurassic Park” and went home to play with his dinosaur toys, Seaver apparently saw Quentin Tarentino’s revenge epic and couldn’t wait to play make-believe himself.

This time, instead of using the extremely grating (yet ultimately amusing) actress Missy Donatuti to play Mulva, Seaver called upon scream queen Debbie Rochon (the writer/star of “Playmate of the Apes” among other b-movie classics to don the broken glasses.

Definitely an attractive upgrade for the character, Rochon does an admirable job winking and nudging her way through the film.

I do have to admit I made a mistake.

Apparently the character I referred to as “Disco Monkey” in my review of “Melva: Zombie Ass Kicker!” already had a name — and it was Teen Ape. The villain of “Mulva 2,” Teen Ape plays the Bill role in this “Kill Bill” spoof.

After being left in a coma by Teen Ape and his band of cronies, Mulva wakes up five years later a lot hotter and very keen on revenge.

What follows is exactly what you might expect if you saw the original “Mulva.”

There is that almost insane level of wackiness that wouldn’t be out of place in an Adult Swim cartoon, an obscene amount of four-letter words being thrown around as if the cast was full of fourth graders who had just learned how to curse, some genuinely creative special effects and camera tricks (considering, of course, the low budget), and the appearance of everybody’s favorite minstrel show reject, Mr. Bonejack (played by Seaver — this time, thankfully, without blackface).

The movie is ultimately more of the same thrown-together garbage that “Mulva” was and — unfortunately, the joke is wearing a little thin.

There were a few pretty funny bits, though, including a very special appearance by Timmy Copella.

That’s right, the saxophone wielding muscle man from “Lost Boys.”

While it would have been a whole lot funnier if Seaver could have pulled off the coup of having Copella play himself, I’ll still give him props for including the character in the movie.

Plus, props for having a gag where Mulva distracts a Native American by throwing garbage on the ground, causing him to cry.

But those are all the props he gets. Now go out and learn to make a better movie!