From the Archives — All I learned from life, I learned from bad horror movies
This column originally ran in the Bryan/College Station Eagle a few years ago. To read my weekly “Reel Deal” column, visit www.theeagle.com.
The next time you go to the theater to watch “Saw 8: Have Audiences Really Not Noticed We Keep Releasing the Same Movie Every Year?,” take a look around at your fellow audience members.
Are you surprised to see so many children in a movie that has been rated R for sequences of grisly violence that would make Mengele blush?
Whether they’re sneaking into the crowded theater or convincing an adult to buy them a ticket, youngsters are watching some of the most gruesome, depraved horror films this side of “Beautician and the Beast.”
Most discerning adults are rightfully upset about this. Not only are kids becoming increasingly desensitized towards violence, they keep talking during the movie!
On the other hand, there’s much that can be learned from horror films; knowledge that isn’t taught in schools.
Here are some life lessons that I learned from a childhood watching horror movies:
There is nothing honorable about being killed by a zombie.
The odds are stacked against characters in a horror movie so there’s a good chance they’re going to die.
Don’t fret, though. Death scenes are often the most memorable part of a horror movie. In a way, you can bleed your way toward immortality.
There is nothing honorable, though, about a death in a zombie movie. Being killed by a shambling, near-brainless ghoul is plain embarrassing.
“Oh, no! It’s a zombie! Let me power-walk away from the danger.”
Stopping while you scream, gawk, apply logic or shoot bullets uselessly will be ill-advised.
But wait, what about the zombies that can run really fast?
Today’s zombies have been upgraded into the Undead 2.0 by filmmakers with attention deficit disorder. Nowadays, if you want to have a rave in a graveyard you have to worry about having your brains eaten by a track star.
Always take note of increasing body hair.
Even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers by night may grow a wicked goatee if bitten by a werewolf.
Have you noticed the sudden ability to sprout a 5 o’clock shadow at 8 a.m.? Do your legs look as if you rolled around in Robin Williams’ shower drain?
Sudden-mustache syndrome could mean you are transforming into a werewolf and need to find a way to restrain yourself before the next full moon. But before you bite a silver bullet, be warned: That fine peach fuzz that has sprouted up all over your body could mean something much worse than simple lycanthropy. You may have finally entered puberty and will need to be restrained 24/7.
If life gives you a curse — make cursed lemonade.
OK, you woke up from a five-year coma with the ability to predict the future of anybody you touch. You are now cursed to a life in which any form of intimate contact can lead to prognosticating your lover’s death. Boo-hoo.
Want to know what you can do?
Buy gloves with the money you’re going to make being able to tell the future.
Life, in a desperate attempt to teach humanity a good moral, is always cursing unsuspecting humans with vicious and life-changing afflictions.
You hit a gypsy with your car and now you find yourself shedding weight uncontrollably. Can anyone say “new diet plan”?
“I can show you how to lose all the weight you want in one easy step! All you’re going to need is a car and a gypsy.”
No two ghosts are alike.
If you discover that your house is haunted, you have the two very different possible outcomes: either your youngest daughter is going to be sucked into a TV or you’re going to share a very special moment with Patrick Swayze and a pottery wheel. How, then, do you know when it’s time to call the Ghostbusters?
The trick is to turn on the radio.
If you hear either sinister organ music or screeching nü-metal, you’ve got yourself a problem that demands Dan Aykroyd’s attention.
If you hear the pleasant crooning of a Motown singer, prepare yourself for a movie montage that will leave you weeping and in the warm embrace of a poltergeist-possessed Whoopie Goldberg.
Never judge a DVD by its cover.
The No. 1 thing that you can learn from a horror movie (besides the fact that sometimes you’re going to need a bigger boat) is that you can never judge a movie by its DVD cover.
In fact, a stroll down the horror section of any movie rental outlet will teach you that the cooler looking the movie’s cover is, the more likely you’re going to sit through some of the worst lit, poorly acted, clichéd-plot that crawled its way out of the darkest recesses of mankind’s imagination.
Even though you might pick up a copy of “The Gingerdead Man” and think “Wow, not only is there a picture of an evil gingerbread man on the cover, but Gary Busey is in it,” don’t rent the movie.
Any movie with the tagline “Evil never tasted so good!” is not going to be a winner. Chances are, it’s going to make you violently ill and leave you a cynical husk of your former self.
If you’re looking at the cover of a movie that features some kind of sinister-looking scarecrow carrying a scythe and the number “666″ digitally added into a cornfield behind it, you are probably looking at what 99 percent of the film’s budget went into.
Do yourself a favor and put the movie back on the shelf and walk away.
More then likely, the only thing scarier then the fact that somebody actually greenlit the movie is going to be that there’s somebody waiting behind you who really wants to rent it.
