How much is that rat in the window?
This piece originally ran in the Bryan/College Station Eagle — about the time Ratatouille was released on DVD. To read more of my “Reel Deal” columns, visit www.theeagle.com.
According to a Reuters story published last month, demand for pet rats has soared since the release of Ratatouille, the animated film from Pixar that was released Tuesday on DVD.
It seems that the culinary exploits of Remy, Ratatouille‘s rodent hero, has convinced children across the world that the disease-infested scavengers best known for spreading plagues would be ideal creatures with which to cuddle. Nothing says bedtime like bubonic.
If today’s children are indeed that gullible, here are a few other potential pet ideas that can be gleaned from films.
Why not try your hand at potty-training a mogwai. These mischievous little critters can be purchased dirt cheap at any Chinatown curio shop. Just make sure you follow the three rules of mogwai ownership:
- Keep it away from bright lights.
- Don’t let it get wet.
- Never feed it after midnight.
Ignoring these rules, as seen in the 1984 film Gremlins, can be disastrous. Breaking the rules will transform the cute, furry critters into scaly monsters that eat everything in their path; including Zach Galligan’s career.
For potential pet owners with a busy schedule and no backyard, it’s important you find a companion who can spend long hours caged in a crate.
Stephen King and George Romero may have the perfect idea for you. In the 1982 film Creepshow, Hal Holbrook plays professor Henry Northrup, a henpecked professor who discovers a mysterious crate with an even more mysterious occupant.
Large, hairy and full of teeth, Holbrook’s new friend has a tremendous appetite and is fond of dark stairwells. Feeding it can be a real headache. Luckily, Holbrook has a plan to enlist help from his wife (Adrienne Barbeau) … as the main course.
When a pet grows too big to maintain, some owners are forced to give it up. While most responsible owners turn to an animal shelter, one unlucky reptile was flushed down the toilet in the 1980 film Alligator.
Banished to the sewers, Ramon the alligator grows to an enormous size under the streets of Chicago. The film was directed by Lewis Teague, the man who was responsible for filming another story of pet gone bad, Cujo.
Unlike Alligator, though, Cujo the rabid St. Bernard never returned in a sequel sub-titled The Mutation. What a shame, too. The world could use more mutant-dog movies.
Speaking of mutant-dog movies, Ally Sheedy and Lance Henrkison star in Man’s Best Friend, a heartwarming story of an animal-rights activist and her four-legged friend, a genetically enhanced canine killing machine.
The dog has had the traits of other animals spliced into its DNA, giving it the ability to spew acidic urine, change its appearance to blend with its environment and swallow a cat whole.
What child wouldn’t want a pet like that?
Regrettably, not all parents are cool enough to buy a genetically engineered dog. Some squares may feel a little uneasy about entrusting their kids with an animal that can melt fire hydrants with its urine.
Maybe they would be a bit more comfortable with a nice bunny? Don’t be too quick to trust Peter Cottontail though. Besides having a penchant for trying to steal children’s cereal or dressing in drag, rabbits have been known to grow to enormous size and eat people.
In William F. Claxton’s Night of the Lepus, giant mutant rabbits terrorize a small desert town.
After experimenting with rabbit hormones, a rancher accidentally unleashes a swarm of man-eating bunnies.
The 1972 film — with Janet Leigh, Rory Calhoun and DeForest Kelley — features a great climatic ending in which the National Guard battles the rapidly reproducing terrors.
Whether through old age, being hit by a car or being shot down by the military, everybody’s pet eventually finds itself playing with that giant ball of yarn in the sky.
Sometimes the end isn’t the end. If you are lucky enough to live next to someone such as the folksy, yarn-spinning neighbor played by Pet Sematary star Fred Gwynne, you should ask about any old Indian burial grounds in the surrounding area.
After revealing the location of the burial ground and ignoring your neighbor’s hypocritical pleas to not mess with nature, bury your deceased pet in the ground and mosey on back to your home.
Your dead friend will eventually find its way home, complete with a new murderous intent.
By that time, you’ll realize the money you saved on pet food and, sometimes, a dead pet is better. Try flushing your resurrected pet down the toilet.
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