Dawn of the Dillweeds
This column originally ran as part of my The Reel Deal series at The Bryan/College Station Eagle. To read more columns, visit www.theeagle.com.
Pop quiz, hot shot! A zombie outbreak has overtaken the world. The undead are everywhere, and they are just champing at the bit to meet — I mean eat you.
What do you do? Where do you hide?
From shopping malls to high-rises to pubs, zombie movies have given audiences plenty to think about when it comes to the pros and cons of zombie hiding.
Zombieland, the very funny, very recommended new zombie film recently released on DVD and Blu-Ray this month, gives moviegoers yet another choice in the struggle to find a safety zone for when there is no more room in hell and the dead have taken to walking the earth: an amusement park.
But back to the question at hand — where do you go when the zombies attack? Let’s weigh our options, shall we?
Shopping mall
Pros: By far one of the most iconic places to sit out a zombie outbreak, the shopping mall offers sanctuary seekers the ability to relax in any number of stores until the zombies outside die off from hunger. When not cowering in post-traumatic stress-induced anxiety, you can catch up on your shopping, enjoy the finest meals a food court has to offer or go take a swim in the mall fountains.
Cons: The mall is the obvious choice — which means you’re going to have to share your space with plenty of other survivors who also saw Dawn of the Dead. The finite number of resources means that eventually you’re going to get in a tiff with your neighbors and pretty soon you’re going to find yourself with as many enemies inside the mall as outside.
Military complex
Pros: It’s a nice, secure feeling to know that you’re surrounded by men with guns protecting you as the zombie wars rage outside the heavily guarded fortress in which you’re hiding. Highly trained and competent solders are there to protect you from any nasty that might attempt to eat your brains.
Cons: There are men with guns surrounding you. You depend on them for your survival. Let’s hope that these men are actually the good guys and not some power-hungry date rapists who’ve thrown their morality to the wind since the world’s gone to hell in a hand basket.
Your own home
Pros: You know the layout of the land. You are aware of exactly where all the entrances and exits to your abode are. You probably have a good idea of how to fortify your doors and bar your windows. Plus, you have your nice, warm bed to hide under until the whole zombie thing blows over.
Cons: If you thought resources at the shopping mall were limited, just wait until you’re scrounging around your pantry for that last package of ramen noodles you just know has fallen behind the dog food. You’re looking at eventually having to venture out of your house in search of food, water or fresh batteries for the remote control. And when you do, you’d better hope you brought your zombie repellent because you just know you’re going to be attacked by your zombified neighbor.
