The Carrying On of A Wayward Son

This column originally ran in the Bryan/College Station Eagle. To read more, visit www.theeagle.com.

This week, entertainment fans get a double dose of the extraterrestrial with the release of The Fourth Kind, the alien abduction movie staring Milla Jovovich, and the series premiere of V, ABC’s remake of the classic alien mini-series turned television show.

Combined with the recent allegations of child-stealing, balloon-shaped UFOs and the political hot topic that is illegal aliens, all this outer space chatter can only mean one thing: An alien invasion is imminent.

Everybody knows that movies and television are a prediction for real life events. Look at Barack Obama’s election as president happening only eight years after African-American actor Dennis Haysbert portrayed President David Palmer on 24. That was no coincidence.

The shadowy illuminati that control the world used the candy coating that is a Kiefer Sutherland TV show to test America’s tolerance in much the same way it is now testing how America would react to outer space overlords by force-feeding E.T. down our throats with multiple alien-themed entertainment options.

Right now, the question isn’t if aliens will attack, it’s what type of garnish their cookbook, To Serve Man, calls for when cooking us humans.

Here’s a rundown of the different types of Xenu-esque alien overlords we could be looking at:

Bloodthirsty killing machines

Like the Xenomorphs from the Alien series, this type of extraterrestrial is less concerned with flashy spaceships or laser guns then with popping out of our chests. Prone to excessive body counts and bloody carnage, these aliens are anything but benevolent rulers.

Pros: If the human race is enslaved by these animalistic ALFs, at least we don’t have to worry about excessive bureaucracy or imposed societal changes — they will kill us all indiscriminately.

Cons: That whole “kill us all indiscriminately” thing is kind of a bummer.

Shapeshifting biological plague

These amorphous alien visitors will conquer us by spreading through the human race like the swine flu or a sexually-transmitted disease. As seen in John Carpenter’s The Thing, this conqueror from the stars will jump from human host to human host terrifying us into submission with its ability to become anything from a human head spider to a canine-based flesh lump with viscous tendrils. Truly terrifying stuff.

Pros: As humanity is infected with this alien disease, we will become part of a hive mind. The world will experience true bliss and cooperation for the first time in history.

Cons: When we’re sucked into this alien hive mind, the world will become a bunch of stinking Commie socialists.

Giant robots

With humanity’s increasing reliance on technology, it’s only fitting if our alien masters take the form of machines. Whether they be Autobots, Transmorphers or Iron Giants, all space-based terminators will have one thing in common — a deadly hatred for flesh-based organisms.

Pros: Even Steve Jobs’ magic factory isn’t able to match the technological advances that will come under a giant robot-based regime. New iPads for everybody!

Cons: The new iPads will be our bosses and will crush us under their USB-powered boots.

Robert Saucedo will be happy to sell you an aluminum foil-hat is guaranteed to protect you from any alien mental attack. Follow him on twitter @robsaucedo2500.