The Carrying On of A Wayward Son

This column originally ran in The Bryan/College Station Eagle. To read more articles, visit www.theeagle.com.

This weekend, Quentin Tarantino gives history books a giant raspberry with his new World War II film, Inglorious Basterds.

Calling the Brad Pitt-starring film about a band of Jewish-American solders on a path of destruction through Nazi-occupied France historically inaccurate is like saying The Flintstones fudged a few details about prehistory.

With his film, Tarantino has made a darkly comic fantasy that plays fast and loose with historical details — focusing more on the iconography of the war than on minor details such as how it actually ended. That being said, the film is a suspenseful, action-packed ride that almost always is a whole lot of fun.

What I came away with the most after watching the film, though, is the impression that if Hollywood ever decides to make a movie based on the life and legend of Texas A&M mascot Old Sarge, Brad Pitt is the perfect choice.

As Lt. Aldo Raine in Inglorious Basterds, Pitt is a tight-jawed, wily hillbilly who comes off as a cross between Popeye the Sailor and John Wayne. With his raspy pronunciation of Nazi as “naazee,” his dexterous use of a terrifyingly long knife and his steely-eyed calmness when faced with certain torture by a German psychopath, Pitt proves he has the chops to play every Aggie’s favorite mascot with the mutant chin.

And why shouldn’t Old Sarge get his own movie? Texas A&M is long overdue for another shot at Hollywood stardom. Sure, we have a World War II movie of our own, but anyone who has ever seen We’ve Never Been Licked will have to admit that it’s about as believable as Inglorious Basterds.

We need a movie that’s fresh and will appeal to the ever-growing number of disenfranchised youth. We need something that celebrates the iconography of Texas A&M’s long-held traditions while not being afraid to dip its toes into the waters of blatant commercialization, pop culture trends and other proven recipes for success. In other words, we need Quentin Tarantino’s version of a Texas A&M film.

Well, maybe not QT’s specific vision of our — we might have a hard time recruiting tomorrow’s youth with a film in which a co-ed college cutie uses a Corps of Cadets saber to slice and dice her way through 88 domino mask-wearing agriculture students while a pop song from the ’70s plays ironically over the carnage.

On the other hand, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea for a film.

We need something hip — you know, for the kids. I propose a talking-animal film. From Babe the pig to that duck from the Aflac commercials, everybody loves a talking animal. Luckily, we have an animal who’s just waiting to be given a voice: the first lady of Texas A&M, Reveille.

Imagine a movie staring Robert Pattinson as a cocky young Corps of Cadets member who hates dogs. In an ironic twist of fate, he finds himself the mascot corporal and is forced to take care of the sassy socialite herself, Reveille. As the semester progresses, the cadet begins to bond with his new charge, discovering in the process a little something about himself and the school he attends. It’s Turner and Hooch meets Taps.

Who would voice Reveille? In the interest of Texas A&M’s commitment toward diversity, I’ve got my fingers crossed for Rosie Perez.

* Robert Saucedo isn’t in the prisoner-taking business, he’s in the Nazi-killing business. And cousin, business is a-boomin’. Follow him at Twitter @robsaucedo2500.