Baker’s ‘Dozen’ offers little laughs
Cheaper by the Dozen 2
There is no doubt in my mind that I could have gone my entire life without having seen Cheaper by the Dozen 2 and I would be none the worse off for it.
In fact, truth be told, up until a few weeks ago, I had completely forgotten that there was a sequel released to the 2003 Steve Martin comedy. More so, I only have vague memories of the original film.
But enough about how forgettable Martin’s film repertoire has been of late. I could spend 1,000 words poking fun at a man for whose work I still have fond, if obscured, memories for. Doing so, though, would break my heart.
Originally released in 2005, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 has recently been released on Blu-ray (odd, considering the fact that the original Cheaper by the Dozen is still exclusive to DVD).
For those who may have similar shaped holes in their memory when it comes to the Cheaper by the Dozen saga, the films follow the Baker family, a clan 15 members strong (including 12 kids and one son-in-law). As patriarch Tom Baker, Steve Martin and his wife Kate (Bonnie Hunt) must wrangle children who range in ages from early childhood to young adult. Among the actors who constitute the child side of the Baker clan are Piper Perabo, Tom Welling and Hilary Duff.
When Tom begins to feel his family drifting apart, he plots one last hurrah as a complete unit and books a summer vacation at a lake house for the entire family.
Once at the house, though, Tom encounters an old rival (Eugene Levy) who has done well for himself as of late and, spurred by mutual jealousy, the two pick up old habits again — prompting a war of the families.
Levy plays Jimmy Murtaugh, the father figure of a 10-member family unit including a trophy wife played by Carmen Electra, a daughter played by Jaime King and a son played by future wolfboy Taylor Lautner.
From there, the movie follows a pretty straight path towards mediocrity. The director, Adam Shankman (a man who is dangerously close to being labeled a hack) follows a strict recipe when it comes to crafting standard family friendly fair. There are pratfalls, cute animals, even cuter kids and plenty of parental/child conflict to last a very tedious ninety-plus minutes.
If you’ve seen one of Steve Martin’s family movies of the ‘00s, you’ve got the general gist for what to expect from Cheaper by the Dozen 2.
The large cast of actors trudge through their scenes — the younger kids obviously having a blast while the older actors let the occasional look of world-weariness and necessity for a paycheck slip through their masks.
As I patiently stared at the screen and waited for the movie to end, I couldn’t help but wonder who exactly would want to watch this movie?
Even my mom, a woman notorious for her taste for terrible films, would grow weary of Cheaper by the Dozen 2 by the halfway mark. The problem with the film is that it lies in that nebulous zone between bad movies and bad movies so bad they become good once again.
Not even enjoyable for its spectacular awfulness, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 is just pure and simple fluff — as forgettable as it is uninviting.
While the image may look nice on Blu-ray, 1080p resolution can’t turn a bad movie into anything but. For those mysterious audience members who demanded the film come to Blu-ray, though, Fox has delivered a few special features to wrap upon this turd sandwich up in a tapeworm bow.
Showing this to an old person to distract them from the thought that one day soon they will die is the only reason I can imagine why someone would put this movie into their Blu-ray player.
An audio commentary from the director and a trio of featurettes should provide a few more hours of subterfuge for Grandma.
Robert Saucedo is full of subterfuge when it comes to dealing with grandparents. Follow him on Twitter @robsaucedo2500.
