Suffering from depression? Great!
- Read through high school yearbooks — especially the places where friends wrote you personalized messages about just how far you were destined to go in life. Follow that with a good cry as you clip your name tag onto your brightly colored cotton polyester work uniform.
- Lie in bed, listen to songs by The Hollies and reminisce over relationships that didn’t work out by reading the stash of love letters you still hide under your mattress. Quickly hide the letters when your shrew of a wife comes home and demands you stop dicking around and get dressed so the two of you can go to her ex-boyfriend’s funeral where she will publicly wallow in mourning.
- Go through your cell phone and delete the numbers from friends you’ve lost touch with. Stare blankly at the two remaining numbers left in your phone’s address book before remembering your parents passed away last fall and their numbers should probably be deleted too.
- Stare at your face in the mirror for three hours and mark the different ways the years have robbed you of your potential and poured your childhood dreams down the drain — but then remember your dreams can’t fit down the drain because it’s clogged with the hair that has fallen out of your head.
- Slowly work your way to the bottom of a can of baked beans while you watch episodes of Family Matters from the complete series collection you bought using the insurance money you were given when your only child was crushed by a runaway horse at the rodeo. Wipe away the bean juice from your face that was left when you wiped away the tears that came moments earlier.
- Clean out and organize your razor blade drawer.
- Spend an hour staring blankly at the open iTunes window on your laptop as you attempt to make a mix CD. Work your way slowly through the paralyzing realization that no song by The Cure quite summarizes just how sad you are feeling right now.
- Go through Facebook and look at how successful everybody you hated from high school has become.
- Passively aggressively comment on your successful high school “friends”’ Facebook photos — remarking on how fat their children look and inquiring whether or not they’ve been diagnosed with child-onset diabetes yet. Then spend the next several minutes hurriedly erasing the comments — not wanting to come off as an asshole months before the 20th high school reunion but not realizing that Facebook has already sent an e-mail alerting your friend of your comment.
- Sit in the corner of the room, wrapped in a Snuggie and wondering where all your childhood toys are now.
- Drink your way through a bottle of wine given to you by your boss three weeks before you were laid off and count just how many pills come in a bottle of sleeping pills.
- Google the names of the people who were hired for the dream job you once applied for but didn’t receive. When you discover their blog, take special note of the entry where they post just how much they hate their job and how it’s only a stepping stone in their planned career.
- Visit the zoo alone on a Saturday morning and sit on a park bench eating pre-packaged nachos and drinking a liter of cola while you watch the surrounding families blissfully run from cage to cage. Shed a single tear as a mother glances you out of the corner of her eye and tightly pulls her child in closer — fearful that you may be a deadlier predator than any locked in a cage.
- Give the inside of your oven a through cleaning.
- Spend three hours sitting on a plastic chair in the layaway section of an inner-city Wal-Mart the week before Christmas. Listen carefully to the cries of children who will wake up to a roll of socks and a halved chocolate bar under their Christmas tree.
- Count your good-fortune … and then count the good-fortune of your one neighbor down the street who has a pool, a personal humidor and is married to the weather girl from channel 37.
- Walk through a nursing home on a Tuesday afternoon and stare into the pleading eyes of the elderly as they ask you to help them find the last, vanished segment in the 1000-piece puzzle they’ve just spent the last month of their life working on. As you leave, visit the orderly station where a puzzle piece is framed on the office wall — a trophy to the eternal victory of the young over the old.
- Watch the big-screen adaptation of The Little Rascals and wonder to yourself just how many of the child actors are now trapped in loveless relationships or have overdosed on drugs. IMDB them to discover most of them ares still now far more successful, richer and attractive than you are.
- Visit any comic book store and watch as a shopkeeper struggles to maintain a pleasant demeanor as he plays video games and lords over the children who visit his shop regularly but lack the money to actually buy anything — all distractions meant to keep his mind off of the crippling debt that threatens to bankrupt him.
- Come up with a list of twenty really depressing things not to do when you’re suffering from crippling depression.
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~ by robsaucedo2500 on February 10, 2011.
Posted in Musings
Tags: Depression, emo, Facebook, Family Matters, Humor, Lists, The Little Rascals
This was great! Loved the mix between humor and sad reality of life. In the end, we are all human.
Awesomely funny, you made my day nearly a year after this was posted.