Filmmaker Sam Rami has been caught up in Spider-Man’s web since he began directing the superhero’s films in the early part of the decade.

Nine years and three web-slinging movies later, though, Rami is finally returning to the genre he cut his teeth in: horror.

Drag Me To Hell, Sam Rami’s first no-apologies, gore-filled horror comedy since 1992′s Army of Darkness, is a true return to form for the director of the Evil Dead series of movies. Despite its PG-13 rating, Drag Me To Hell is full-on, gory fun, a perfect throwback to the days when Rami was still making movies that featured a man cutting off his own hand and replacing it with a chain saw.

From dancing ghouls to projectile cat vomiting, Drag Me To Hell has everything a horror enthusiast wants in a movie — including timeliness.

In the film, Alison Lohman stars as a bank loan officer who, after denying a decrepit Gypsy woman an extension on a house loan, is cursed by the Gypsy to be cast down to hell after three days of earthly torture. Lohman’s character, a sickly sweet girl with self-esteem issues, must then find a way to break the curse, all the while being tormented by a sinister demon.

With house evictions at an all-time high, audiences will be torn on whom to root for: the film’s hero, a bank loan officer responsible for evicting an old woman from her home, or the goat-like demon who’s giving her hell.

From John Carpenter’s take on The Thing, which featured an alien killer who spread from victim to victim much like AIDS, to the post-9/11 fear of biological weapons exploited by neo-zombie movies such as 28 Days Later, horror movies have a history of taking fears that are currently plaguing the population and twisting the knife — causing audiences to face hot topics with a supernatural twist.

A good many people enjoy being scared. Just ask Stephen King as he dives, Scrooge McDuck-style, into his giant pool filled with gold coins.

The reason why artists such as King are so successful, though, has a lot to do with people’s fondness for the lesser of two evils. Horror movie-scared, after all, is always preferable to real world problem-scared.

In a world where there are literally millions of things that can kill you at any particular minute of the day, it’s a lot easier to close your eyes and tell yourself that there are no werewolves under your bed than to convince yourself that swine flu isn’t waiting for you around every corner.

By going to horror movies and watching exaggerated scares centered around real-world issues such as home eviction, sexually transmitted diseases and terrorism, it’s easier to swallow the fears that are less escapable.

There are always going to be bad things in the world to be afraid of. Being bankrupt and losing your job is a horrible thing to happen to a person, but at least one of Satan’s lackeys isn’t dragging you to hell by the tips of your toes. As they say, things could always be worse.

Robert Saucedo wants to thank Sam Rami for making him afraid of gypsies again. Follow him on twitter @robsaucedo2500.

It’s October and that means it’s time for another Saw movie. This weekend, the fifth film in the ultra-violent torture-porn franchise is released in theaters — giving horror junkies an excuse to roll out of bed, shuffle past their vintage Faces of Death movie poster, pop a Monster Magnet cassette into the tape deck in their parent’s station wagon and head to the local theater in search of some blood and guts on the big screen.

The Saw movies as a whole might be an epic dissertation into the horrors of man’s soul, but I stopped watching after the second film, unable to get past the horrible acting and general misanthropic attitude — two things I got my fill of in high school.

It’s not coincidental, then, that the average audience member of a Saw film is more often then not barely able to grow peach fuzz on his chin. Unaware of the horrors of real, everyday life, the films’ teenaged disciples cling to the teachings of Jigsaw, the franchise’s murderous anti-hero, as hard as they cling to their belief that shopping at Hot Topic is edgy.

If Saw V isn’t worth the price of a ticket, though, how should those in need of a good scare get their blood pumping? Try these “horror” movies on for size.

* Requiem for a Dream — Darren Aronofsky’s adaptation of Hubert Selby Jr.’s novel of drug addiction is the perfect cure for a good day. The film, which chronicles the downfall of four different addicts, will leave audiences in need of a cold shower and a phone call from their mother. Lives are ruined and dreams shattered. Ellen Burstyn, Jared Leto and Jennifer Connelly star as people whose addiction to drugs leads to the some of the worst possible outcomes imaginable.

* Happiness — Writer/Director Todd Solondz is a sick, sick man. Watching Happiness, his anthology of depravity, is an experience akin to spending the weekend with that creepy uncle of yours who always is inviting you to wrestle him, even though all he has on is boxer shorts. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Dylan Baker and Lara Flynn Boyle star as three deviants whose lives intersect. Baker’s character, a father who also is a pedophile, in particular has some of the most cringe-worthy scenes in celluloid history. I promise nobody will be able to sit still in their seats without flinching as Baker’s character explains to his son what being a pedophile means.

* Kids — Larry Clark’s 1995 exploration into urban youth is an eye-opener guaranteed to make viewers queasy. Staring a collection of mostly authentic children actors (including then-unkown Chloe Sevigny and Rosario Dawson), the movie follows an HIV-positive teenage boy as he sets out to have sex with as many virgins as possible. Teenagers, if you thought your parents were tough before, let them watch this film and they will lock you in a dungeon until you are 33 years old.

Robert Saucedo warns those attempting a marathon of these three movies they they should stock up on hugs from teddy bears. Follow him on twitter @robsaucedo2500.

This week, entertainment fans get a double dose of the extraterrestrial with the release of The Fourth Kind, the alien abduction movie staring Milla Jovovich, and the series premiere of V, ABC’s remake of the classic alien mini-series turned television show.

Combined with the recent allegations of child-stealing, balloon-shaped UFOs and the political hot topic that is illegal aliens, all this outer space chatter can only mean one thing: An alien invasion is imminent.

Everybody knows that movies and television are a prediction for real life events. Look at Barack Obama’s election as president happening only eight years after African-American actor Dennis Haysbert portrayed President David Palmer on 24. That was no coincidence.

The shadowy illuminati that control the world used the candy coating that is a Kiefer Sutherland TV show to test America’s tolerance in much the same way it is now testing how America would react to outer space overlords by force-feeding E.T. down our throats with multiple alien-themed entertainment options.

Right now, the question isn’t if aliens will attack, it’s what type of garnish their cookbook, To Serve Man, calls for when cooking us humans.

Here’s a rundown of the different types of Xenu-esque alien overlords we could be looking at:

Bloodthirsty killing machines

Like the Xenomorphs from the Alien series, this type of extraterrestrial is less concerned with flashy spaceships or laser guns then with popping out of our chests. Prone to excessive body counts and bloody carnage, these aliens are anything but benevolent rulers.

Pros: If the human race is enslaved by these animalistic ALFs, at least we don’t have to worry about excessive bureaucracy or imposed societal changes — they will kill us all indiscriminately.

Cons: That whole “kill us all indiscriminately” thing is kind of a bummer.

Shapeshifting biological plague

These amorphous alien visitors will conquer us by spreading through the human race like the swine flu or a sexually-transmitted disease. As seen in John Carpenter’s The Thing, this conqueror from the stars will jump from human host to human host terrifying us into submission with its ability to become anything from a human head spider to a canine-based flesh lump with viscous tendrils. Truly terrifying stuff.

Pros: As humanity is infected with this alien disease, we will become part of a hive mind. The world will experience true bliss and cooperation for the first time in history.

Cons: When we’re sucked into this alien hive mind, the world will become a bunch of stinking Commie socialists.

Giant robots

With humanity’s increasing reliance on technology, it’s only fitting if our alien masters take the form of machines. Whether they be Autobots, Transmorphers or Iron Giants, all space-based terminators will have one thing in common — a deadly hatred for flesh-based organisms.

Pros: Even Steve Jobs’ magic factory isn’t able to match the technological advances that will come under a giant robot-based regime. New iPads for everybody!

Cons: The new iPads will be our bosses and will crush us under their USB-powered boots.

Robert Saucedo will be happy to sell you an aluminum foil-hat is guaranteed to protect you from any alien mental attack. Follow him on twitter @robsaucedo2500.

A vampire movie that really sucks.

To put it lightly, Reign in Darkness, the directing debut from Australian filmmakers David W. Allen and Kel Dolen, is a stinker. And by stinker, I mean a putrid film that plays like rancid baby poo smells.

You might enjoy Reign in Darkness if you also enjoy having your nards kicked, being shoved down flights of stairs or listening to the death rattle of your only child.

Dolen stars as Michael Dorn, a scientist working on a cure for AIDS who discovers that the cure is actually a plot to spread the curse of vampirism to unsuspecting humans.

A hodge-podge of movie plagiarism, the film lifts scenes and plot devices from other movies like a weightlifter lifts, uh, weights.

Dolan garbs his character in an assortment of plastic and leather, leaving himself looking very much like a poor man’s Neo. Horrible attempts to ape the gunplay of The Boondock Saints and the sword fights of  Blade leave audiences feeling nostalgic for the days of Dolph Lundgren. But even Lundgren, an MIT scholar, is smart enough to avoid this showcase of absurd acting and zany plot holes.

To be fair, the movie packs a decent number of action scenes. Unfortunately, unbelievably bad computer effects hamper almost all of them.

For a movie called Reign in Darkness, a good portion of the film seems to take place in broad daylight. From gunfights to car chases to explosions, the sun shines bright and cheerfully above the vampires’ heads. Of course, it’s possible that the directors forgot the teeny little detail that vampires are supposed to be allergic to the sun — not to mention forgetting that their movie is called Reign in Darkness.

After all, the two filmmakers were too busy stealing from every other vampire movie imaginable to worry about little things like details.

With an absurd plot and painful displays of acting, this movie is proof that not all foreign films are insightful and/or educational.

Fortunately, any movie can be made enjoyable depending on the way it’s watched.

In order to make the most out of Reign of Darkness, gather up a group of friends. Keep the lights nice and bright to attract daylight-loving vampires and serve up a tray of assorted cheeses and corn-based food products.

For a real treat, invite friends to participate in a movie-themed game. During the course of the film, players are encouraged to steal as much as they can from their fellow audience members. Wallets, watches and precious time are all up for grabs.

The player who has stolen the most from their friends by the time the credits roll is the winner and should go on to direct Reign of Darkness II: Vampire Dundee.

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