Wild Hogs meets Death Proof.

Aliens and Predators. Godzillas and Mothras. Flintstones and Jetsons. There are few rivalries throughout history that reach such legendary status. Greydon Clark’s Hi-Riders provides a big, juicy ‘70s exploitation kiss to one of the greatest feuds since Tom Cruise and his homosexuality: bikers and rednecks.

Released in 1978, Hi-Riders starred Darby Hinton as Mark, a cherub-faced hustler with a penchant for dressing like Jesus’ hippy brother, and Diane Peterson as Lynn, a stunningly beautiful Farah Fawcett look-alike with a killer smile and a sexual drive linked to the size of a man’s engine. Together, the couple rolls into town looking to hustle some poor slob out of his money in a car race.

Before Vin Diesel and Paul Walker were getting all fast and furious in the backseat of their custom-made street racers, the Hi-Riders controlled the drag racing scene in filmdom. When Mark and Lynn make the mistake out of beating a loud-mouthed member of the street gang, he takes off with the winnings — prompting the two to chase him all the way to the secret Hi-Rider hideaway.

It doesn’t take long for Mark and Lynn to win over the gang of bikers and street racers who occupy the abandoned western movie set that makes up the Hi-Riders’ hideout. Pretty soon, Mark and his woman have joined the Hi-Riders and the entire gang of leather-sporting, beer guzzling miscreants are on the move — in search of a new town where they can make some money hustling locals in drag races. The Hi-Riders are a raucous group of bikers and drag racers — in love as much with their vehicles as they are with the floozies who follow them around like pilot fish do with sharks.

Unfortunately, the first stop made by the gang proves to be disastrous when a freak accident leads to the death of a Hi-Rider and a group of local teenagers. Bad turns worse when one of the slain teenagers is revealed to be the son of a local high-powered rancher — a man who vows to bring about the end of all those hooligans who indirectly caused the death of his son.

For the first half of the movie, Hi-Riders plays out like a Robert Altman version of a Justin Lin movie . The plot leisurely stretches out like a cat sunning by the window and story is only moved along by a series of casual comedic encounters caused by the Hi-Riders’ rowdy behavior and not-so-casual street races caused by their need for speed. There doesn’t seem to be any real antagonist or conflict until the end of the film’s second act. By the third act, though, Hi-Riders has been transformed into a straight-up revenge thriller. Stephen McNally plays Mr. Lewis, the aforementioned rancher who gathers up a posse of shotgun wielding locals. Before long, there are only a handful of Hi-Riders left running for their lives in search of somebody who’ll believe their story and come to their rescue.

Mel Ferrer plays the town’s sheriff, a no-nonsense lawman that may or may not be in the pocket of Mr. Lewis. Unsure if they can trust the local police, the remaining Hi-Riders decide to take the law into their own hands — pushing the film forward to its explosive conclusion.

Hi-Riders is pure ‘70s schlock — but in the best way possible. Full of extreme stunts, rowdy music and plenty of bodacious nude bodies, Hi-Riders pulls out all the stops on the entertainment train. Director Greydon Clark also shot the undeniably entertaining The Bad Bunch, a ‘70s film that explored race relations with a touch that wasn’t so much deft as it was obnoxiously trashy.

Hi-Riders manages to surpass The Bad Bunch when it comes to fun drive-in entertainment — and it looks great too! Dean Cundey is the film’s cinematographer. Cundey would later go on to serve as D.P. for filmmakers such as John Carpenter, Robert Zemeckis and Stephen Spielberg.

While the dialogue might be as cheesy as one would expect in a ‘70s era biker movie and some of the acting from supporting characters can be downright amateurish at times, Hi-Riders remains recommended viewing for all those that enjoy grindhouse or exploitation films — more so if you have a stake in the great biker/redneck feud of yore.

Robert Saucedo wishes his life was like a mix between a Robert Altman movie and a Justin Lin movie. Follow Robert on Twitter @robsaucedo2500.

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This week, entertainment fans get a double dose of the extraterrestrial with the release of The Fourth Kind, the alien abduction movie staring Milla Jovovich, and the series premiere of V, ABC’s remake of the classic alien mini-series turned television show.

Combined with the recent allegations of child-stealing, balloon-shaped UFOs and the political hot topic that is illegal aliens, all this outer space chatter can only mean one thing: An alien invasion is imminent.

Everybody knows that movies and television are a prediction for real life events. Look at Barack Obama’s election as president happening only eight years after African-American actor Dennis Haysbert portrayed President David Palmer on 24. That was no coincidence.

The shadowy illuminati that control the world used the candy coating that is a Kiefer Sutherland TV show to test America’s tolerance in much the same way it is now testing how America would react to outer space overlords by force-feeding E.T. down our throats with multiple alien-themed entertainment options.

Right now, the question isn’t if aliens will attack, it’s what type of garnish their cookbook, To Serve Man, calls for when cooking us humans.

Here’s a rundown of the different types of Xenu-esque alien overlords we could be looking at:

Bloodthirsty killing machines

Like the Xenomorphs from the Alien series, this type of extraterrestrial is less concerned with flashy spaceships or laser guns then with popping out of our chests. Prone to excessive body counts and bloody carnage, these aliens are anything but benevolent rulers.

Pros: If the human race is enslaved by these animalistic ALFs, at least we don’t have to worry about excessive bureaucracy or imposed societal changes — they will kill us all indiscriminately.

Cons: That whole “kill us all indiscriminately” thing is kind of a bummer.

Shapeshifting biological plague

These amorphous alien visitors will conquer us by spreading through the human race like the swine flu or a sexually-transmitted disease. As seen in John Carpenter’s The Thing, this conqueror from the stars will jump from human host to human host terrifying us into submission with its ability to become anything from a human head spider to a canine-based flesh lump with viscous tendrils. Truly terrifying stuff.

Pros: As humanity is infected with this alien disease, we will become part of a hive mind. The world will experience true bliss and cooperation for the first time in history.

Cons: When we’re sucked into this alien hive mind, the world will become a bunch of stinking Commie socialists.

Giant robots

With humanity’s increasing reliance on technology, it’s only fitting if our alien masters take the form of machines. Whether they be Autobots, Transmorphers or Iron Giants, all space-based terminators will have one thing in common — a deadly hatred for flesh-based organisms.

Pros: Even Steve Jobs’ magic factory isn’t able to match the technological advances that will come under a giant robot-based regime. New iPads for everybody!

Cons: The new iPads will be our bosses and will crush us under their USB-powered boots.

Robert Saucedo will be happy to sell you an aluminum foil-hat is guaranteed to protect you from any alien mental attack. Follow him on twitter @robsaucedo2500.

IMDB Score: 6.9 out of 10

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 88 out of 100

Metacritic Score: 50 out of 100

I can’t believe I hadn’t seen this movie yet.

Who wouldn't want to obey this guy?

John Carpenter directs this tongue-in-cheek satire of ‘80s consumer culture that stars “Rowdy” Roddy Piper as Nada, a homeless drifter who is sucked into a worldwide conspiracy involving aliens and subliminal messages after he discovers a pair of magical sunglasses.

It seems that aliens have come to Earth to colonize the planet. The population is kept distracted and complacent using subliminal messages sprinkled throughout advertisements and media. The aliens’ true appearance is also kept hidden using these means. The only way to discover the hidden truth is to don specially crafted sunglasses that give wearers a glimpse at the true state of the affairs.

“They Live” is very much a John Carpenter film. Cheesy synthesized music? Check. Groan-worthy, yet highly quotable, one-liners? Check. Cartoonish violence and gruesome make-up and practical effects? Check and check. In fact, “They Live” just might be the perfect storm of John Carpenter films — if only it starred Kurt Russell.

That isn’t to say Piper does not do an admirable job as the film’s nameless hero. Piper deserves credit for being that rare breed — a professional wrestler that manages to be entertaining on the big screen instead of an embarrassment — the usual end result for wrestlers-turned-actors.

In fact, Piper used his wrestling background to his advantage — bringing audiences perhaps the most memorable fight scene ever put forth on film. Clocking in at over five minutes, Piper and co-star Keith David duked it out utilizing the cutting-edge in wrestling’s fake fighting techniques.

Beyond just being a hyper-violent monster movie, “They Live” has a loftier goal— preaching a message that proves to be just as timely today as it was 21 years ago.

Taking aim at the yuppie culture that dominated the late ‘80s, Carpenter sought to explain the materialistic craze that had enveloped America.

Surely the reason why people had become so heartless and greedy could be blamed on alien forces seeking world domination. By combining the best of “Wall Street,” “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” and “1984,” Carpenter turned a cheesy popcorn flick into something larger then itself.

In fact, watching the movie I began to question a lot of my own materialistic behavior as of late. I’ve found myself purchasing more and more unneeded junk — filling my apartment with new possessions that I really did not need.

In the movie, the aliens encourage this behavior in humans to keep them occupied and distracted from the invaders’ insidious goals.

Was my own spending and shopping keeping me distracted from the more important things in life. I’ve found myself becoming less inclined to be creative as of late. Can this be blamed on the fact that the Ikea catalog is now my bathroom reading material of choice?

Thanks for giving me something to think about Mr. Carpenter.

I am willing to eat a giant bowl of crow if "Aliens in the Attic" is actually a good movie.

To be fair, I have not yet seen the film, in which slapstick comedy ensues when a group of Disney Channel leftovers battle pint-sized extraterrestrials over the right to enjoy their summer home.

The film, staring Ashley Tisdale, could in fact be the second coming of “E.T.” but after one viewing of the movie’s trailer, which includes Doris Roberts of “Everybody Loves Raymond” putting the smack-down on a teenage boy with “Matrix” style wire work, I’m fairly certain that the movie is going to be a steaming pile of nerf herder droppings.

I’ve gotten a lot of flack from readers in the past for my cynical dismissing and more then occasional mocking of children’s movies. I’ve been told that movies such as “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” are cute and harmless and should be appreciated for what they are — a momentary diversion made for children.

To that I say: Are we, as a nation, actively trying to make our children stupid? Showing them the putrid pieces of garbage that Hollywood continuously churns out is putting today’s youth on a one-way short bus to that stool they make you sit on in school while you wear the dunce cap.

Look at me for example, I watched “Power Rangers” as a kid and I constantly find myself pulling on push doors. Imagine what acts of random stupidity today’s toddlers will find themselves committing after a childhood spent watching “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.” They’re going to misspell sequel, for one.

I can appreciate the need for movies designed for children. Nothing steams my pot more then walking into a hyper-violent horror movie and seeing the temporarily innocent eyes of a child staring back at me. Parents who take their child to see rated R movies before the kids are ready to process that type of content will deserve it when their child eventually steals out of their wallet before unleashing a tsunami of swear words that would put a Turrets sufferer to shame.

I totally sympathize with parents’ plight. There just aren’t enough intelligent children’s movies being released on a yearly basis. With Pixar only making one movie a year, the rest of the calendar is more often then not filled with the kind of movies you wouldn’t show a terrorist child during torture.

I can also sympathize with filmmakers. Making movies isn’t exactly shooting wolves from a plane; it takes a lot of hard work and money. With the risky nature of movie making, it’s all too all to tempting to release easy-to-market sludge like “Aliens in the Attack.”

If I had a choice between creating something intelligent and thought-provoking and releasing a series of toilet jokes that would be greeted with the approving “baaas” of the general public, I’d choose potty humor too. In fact, it’s a choice I make on a daily basis with this blog.

So what is the solution? How do we change our movie-going ways before our nation’s youth devolve into the hooting and chest-thumping primitives that are so easily mesmerized by the black, shiny obelisk that is “G-Force”?

How about handing them a book every now and then between crappy movies. It’s not a perfect solution, but maybe, just maybe some good literature can counter-act the brain-melting side effects of modern children’s movies before its too late.

This story was originally published by the Bryan/College Station Eagle. Visit them on the web at www.theeagle.com.

Certain movie deaths lend themselves to more street credibility then others.

Going out in a hail of gunfire as you battle an unstoppable army of razor-toothed, acid-blooded alien monsters is an honorable way to die. Being chased down by a lone zombie who can barely move a foot without loosing his foot is a downright shameful way to shuffle off the mortal coil.

From the themed displays at your local video store to any one of the late night marathons on cable television, it’s aparent Halloween is around the corner and Hollywood’s scariest are waiting to be watched. But with a glut of gory programming available, many disregard the genre as a whole, preferring to spend their viewing time with something a little less horrifying.

Apathy towards scary movies, my friends, is the surest way to find yourself under the blade of a demented clown-themed killer. If only you had taken the time to watch a few scary movies and jotted down some notes, you too would have known how to survive any clichéd horror movie plot.

Lucky for you, I’ve taken the time to prepare a few handy tips that will put you on the right track towards survival. Horror movies may be formulaic and derivative, but that’s exactly why surviving one is as easy as pumpkin pie.

• When asked to put the lotion on the skin, politely decline. Your captive is trying to preserve your delicate epidermis in order to later harvest it in construction of a woman suit. In fact, take extra care to add to the deterioration of your overall appearance by taking up smoking and consuming greasy foods. Nobody wants a woman suit with acne.
• When attempting to learn the running speed of an approaching zombie, throw a rock at it. If it stumbles along at a snail-like pace, the zombie can easily be avoided by running away. If it charges at you with an uncanny speed, question your motive for throwing the rock in the first place.
• When faced with an eminent exorcism, remember: The power of Christ compels you… to run the other way as fast as you can.
• When walking down a dark alley, do not advertise yourself as a victim. Instead, bring along a small child as a decoy victim.
• When filming a documentary about a local urban legend, remember to go prepared. Essential supplies include plenty of batteries, a compass, a map, a flare gun, enough food to last you a few days and a tripod in order to hold the camera straight for more then two seconds.
• Werewolves are cunning beasts that can easily overpower their prey. Wait until they transform back into their weak human forms before hitting them over the head with a two-by-four … made of silver.
• If you receive a phone call telling you that you will die in seven days after watching what looks to be some disturbing glimpse into a film student’s psyche, upload the video onto YouTube with the tags “Star Wars Kid,” “Paris Hilton,” and “XXX.” College frat boys everywhere will be unable to resist downloading it and you’ll pass the curse on to somebody more deserving.
• Do not forget to wear garlic around your neck when combating a vampire or trying to woo Mario the Plumber.
• If you suspect your next-door neighbor to be an alien out to replace you with a pod person, contact your local Tea Party.

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