It’s October and that means it’s time for another Saw movie. This weekend, the fifth film in the ultra-violent torture-porn franchise is released in theaters — giving horror junkies an excuse to roll out of bed, shuffle past their vintage Faces of Death movie poster, pop a Monster Magnet cassette into the tape deck in their parent’s station wagon and head to the local theater in search of some blood and guts on the big screen.

The Saw movies as a whole might be an epic dissertation into the horrors of man’s soul, but I stopped watching after the second film, unable to get past the horrible acting and general misanthropic attitude — two things I got my fill of in high school.

It’s not coincidental, then, that the average audience member of a Saw film is more often then not barely able to grow peach fuzz on his chin. Unaware of the horrors of real, everyday life, the films’ teenaged disciples cling to the teachings of Jigsaw, the franchise’s murderous anti-hero, as hard as they cling to their belief that shopping at Hot Topic is edgy.

If Saw V isn’t worth the price of a ticket, though, how should those in need of a good scare get their blood pumping? Try these “horror” movies on for size.

* Requiem for a Dream — Darren Aronofsky’s adaptation of Hubert Selby Jr.’s novel of drug addiction is the perfect cure for a good day. The film, which chronicles the downfall of four different addicts, will leave audiences in need of a cold shower and a phone call from their mother. Lives are ruined and dreams shattered. Ellen Burstyn, Jared Leto and Jennifer Connelly star as people whose addiction to drugs leads to the some of the worst possible outcomes imaginable.

* Happiness — Writer/Director Todd Solondz is a sick, sick man. Watching Happiness, his anthology of depravity, is an experience akin to spending the weekend with that creepy uncle of yours who always is inviting you to wrestle him, even though all he has on is boxer shorts. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Dylan Baker and Lara Flynn Boyle star as three deviants whose lives intersect. Baker’s character, a father who also is a pedophile, in particular has some of the most cringe-worthy scenes in celluloid history. I promise nobody will be able to sit still in their seats without flinching as Baker’s character explains to his son what being a pedophile means.

* Kids — Larry Clark’s 1995 exploration into urban youth is an eye-opener guaranteed to make viewers queasy. Staring a collection of mostly authentic children actors (including then-unkown Chloe Sevigny and Rosario Dawson), the movie follows an HIV-positive teenage boy as he sets out to have sex with as many virgins as possible. Teenagers, if you thought your parents were tough before, let them watch this film and they will lock you in a dungeon until you are 33 years old.

Robert Saucedo warns those attempting a marathon of these three movies they they should stock up on hugs from teddy bears. Follow him on twitter @robsaucedo2500.

Pop quiz, hot shot! A zombie outbreak has overtaken the world. The undead are everywhere, and they are just champing at the bit to meet — I mean eat you.

What do you do? Where do you hide?

From shopping malls to high-rises to pubs, zombie movies have given audiences plenty to think about when it comes to the pros and cons of zombie hiding.

Zombieland, the very funny, very recommended new zombie film recently released on DVD and Blu-Ray this month, gives moviegoers yet another choice in the struggle to find a safety zone for when there is no more room in hell and the dead have taken to walking the earth: an amusement park.

But back to the question at hand — where do you go when the zombies attack? Let’s weigh our options, shall we?

Shopping mall

Pros: By far one of the most iconic places to sit out a zombie outbreak, the shopping mall offers sanctuary seekers the ability to relax in any number of stores until the zombies outside die off from hunger. When not cowering in post-traumatic stress-induced anxiety, you can catch up on your shopping, enjoy the finest meals a food court has to offer or go take a swim in the mall fountains.

Cons: The mall is the obvious choice — which means you’re going to have to share your space with plenty of other survivors who also saw Dawn of the Dead. The finite number of resources means that eventually you’re going to get in a tiff with your neighbors and pretty soon you’re going to find yourself with as many enemies inside the mall as outside.

Military complex

Pros: It’s a nice, secure feeling to know that you’re surrounded by men with guns protecting you as the zombie wars rage outside the heavily guarded fortress in which you’re hiding. Highly trained and competent solders are there to protect you from any nasty that might attempt to eat your brains.

Cons: There are men with guns surrounding you. You depend on them for your survival. Let’s hope that these men are actually the good guys and not some power-hungry date rapists who’ve thrown their morality to the wind since the world’s gone to hell in a hand basket.

Your own home

Pros: You know the layout of the land. You are aware of exactly where all the entrances and exits to your abode are. You probably have a good idea of how to fortify your doors and bar your windows. Plus, you have your nice, warm bed to hide under until the whole zombie thing blows over.

Cons: If you thought resources at the shopping mall were limited, just wait until you’re scrounging around your pantry for that last package of ramen noodles you just know has fallen behind the dog food. You’re looking at eventually having to venture out of your house in search of food, water or fresh batteries for the remote control. And when you do, you’d better hope you brought your zombie repellent because you just know you’re going to be attacked by your zombified neighbor.

There should be a rule that direct-to-video horror movie sequels will suck and should never be made. But even though the bargain bin at your local Wal-Mart is filled with cast-off sequels to “Wishmaster” and “The Lost Boys,” it may be a good thing such a rule is not in effect.

If the rule was in place, we would have never had gotten “Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed,” the sequel to 2000′s Canadian werewolf thriller.

The original “Ginger Snaps” was made on a meager budget but was a tongue-in-cheek horror movie equipped with bloody effects and a dark sense of humor. The sequel is a flashy, high-octane follow-up that even comes close to surpassing the original in some ways.

The ending of “Ginger Snaps” found Brigitte (Emily Perkins) on the killing end of a knife plunged into her sister’s heart. Ginger (Katharine Isabelle), Brigitte’s sister, had been bitten by a werewolf and was promptly transformed into a full-fledged beast of the night. With no alternative left, Brigitte was forced to end her sister’s curse the only way she knew — by killing her.

“Ginger Snaps II” picks up with Brigitte on the run from her past. Now infected with the curse herself, Brigitte must counteract every night’s gradual change with a dose of monk’s hood, a plant with the power to halt her transformation when taken intravenously.

The problem is, another werewolf is on her trail, hoping to mate.

After being attacked by the werewolf, Brigitte is picked up by the local authorities and mistakenly put into a drug rehabilitation center thanks to the empty syringes found near her. Trapped without her tonic, Brigitte finds herself feeling the pull of the curse stronger with each passing day.

From the first scene, fans of the “Ginger Snaps” will realize they have a whole new creature on their hands. The original films’s intimate directing style, which utilized a decidable lack of complicated camera tricks, has been replaced with a flash-and-awe editing style witch long, sweeping camera arcs.

All the camera tricks in the world can’t protect a film from bad acting, though. It’s a good thing “Ginger Snaps II” features an adequate array of actors and actresses. Perkins easily carries the film’s weight on her shoulders.

Unfortunately, the film’s producers felt the need to replace the character’s original moody attire (think MTV’s “Daria”) with sexier clothing, complete with midriff-baring tops. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, it is completely out of character for this particular werewolf on the loose. Fortunately, Perkins compenstates for the wardrobe choice smoothly by adding depth and maturity to her character unforeseen in the previous movie.

What sets “Ginger Snaps II” apart from the previous installment is the complete lack of innocence in the movie. While the original movie took place in a suburb that reeked of normalcy, the majority of the action in the sequel takes place in a clinic where everybody has a secret.

From the orderly who trades fixes of other patients’ addictions in exchange for his own sexual pleasure to the unusual and eerie quirks of the patients themselves, everybody has a hidden agenda. The film is a bleak and uncompromising horror flick that rises above the mediocrity of its predecessor.

It easily improves upon the original’s clumsy effects. The transformation prosthetics are subdued and more realistic. The final werewolf is wisely hidden in the shadows for most of the movie. Instead of presenting blood and guts eye candy, the director utilizes lighting and mood to convey growing terror. Plus, the wolf actually looks like a wolf in this movie as compared to the original’s hairless rat.

“Ginger Snaps II” meets every expectation set by the original film and even manages to improve on the original in some ways. With its dismal tone and unhappy ending, “Ginger Snaps II” is not for everybody. Fans of intelligent horror, though, should not pass up the opportunity to watch this surprisingly good sequel.

The next time you go to the theater to watch “Saw 8: Have Audiences Really Not Noticed We Keep Releasing the Same Movie Every Year?,” take a look around at your fellow audience members.

Are you surprised to see so many children in a movie that has been rated R for sequences of grisly violence that would make Mengele blush?

Whether they’re sneaking into the crowded theater or convincing an adult to buy them a ticket, youngsters are watching some of the most gruesome, depraved horror films this side of “Beautician and the Beast.”

Most discerning adults are rightfully upset about this. Not only are kids becoming increasingly desensitized towards violence, they keep talking during the movie!

On the other hand, there’s much that can be learned from horror films; knowledge that isn’t taught in schools.

Here are some life lessons that I learned from a childhood watching horror movies:

There is nothing honorable about being killed by a zombie.

The odds are stacked against characters in a horror movie so there’s a good chance they’re going to die.

Don’t fret, though. Death scenes are often the most memorable part of a horror movie. In a way, you can bleed your way toward immortality.

There is nothing honorable, though, about a death in a zombie movie. Being killed by a shambling, near-brainless ghoul is plain embarrassing.

“Oh, no! It’s a zombie! Let me power-walk away from the danger.”

Stopping while you scream, gawk, apply logic or shoot bullets uselessly will be ill-advised.

But wait, what about the zombies that can run really fast?

Today’s zombies have been upgraded into the Undead 2.0 by filmmakers with attention deficit disorder. Nowadays, if you want to have a rave in a graveyard you have to worry about having your brains eaten by a track star.

Always take note of increasing body hair.

Even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers by night may grow a wicked goatee if bitten by a werewolf.

Have you noticed the sudden ability to sprout a 5 o’clock shadow at 8 a.m.? Do your legs look as if you rolled around in Robin Williams’ shower drain?

Sudden-mustache syndrome could mean you are transforming into a werewolf and need to find a way to restrain yourself before the next full moon. But before you bite a silver bullet, be warned: That fine peach fuzz that has sprouted up all over your body could mean something much worse than simple lycanthropy. You may have finally entered puberty and will need to be restrained 24/7.

If life gives you a curse — make cursed lemonade.

OK, you woke up from a five-year coma with the ability to predict the future of anybody you touch. You are now cursed to a life in which any form of intimate contact can lead to prognosticating your lover’s death. Boo-hoo.

Want to know what you can do?

Buy gloves with the money you’re going to make being able to tell the future.

Life, in a desperate attempt to teach humanity a good moral, is always cursing unsuspecting humans with vicious and life-changing afflictions.

You hit a gypsy with your car and now you find yourself shedding weight uncontrollably. Can anyone say “new diet plan”?

“I can show you how to lose all the weight you want in one easy step! All you’re going to need is a car and a gypsy.”

No two ghosts are alike.

If you discover that your house is haunted, you have the two very different possible outcomes: either your youngest daughter is going to be sucked into a TV or you’re going to share a very special moment with Patrick Swayze and a pottery wheel. How, then, do you know when it’s time to call the Ghostbusters?

The trick is to turn on the radio.

If you hear either sinister organ music or screeching nü-metal, you’ve got yourself a problem that demands Dan Aykroyd’s attention.

If you hear the pleasant crooning of a Motown singer, prepare yourself for a movie montage that will leave you weeping and in the warm embrace of a poltergeist-possessed Whoopie Goldberg.

Never judge a DVD by its cover.

The No. 1 thing that you can learn from a horror movie (besides the fact that sometimes you’re going to need a bigger boat) is that you can never judge a movie by its DVD cover.

In fact, a stroll down the horror section of any movie rental outlet will teach you that the cooler looking the movie’s cover is, the more likely you’re going to sit through some of the worst lit, poorly acted, clichéd-plot that crawled its way out of the darkest recesses of mankind’s imagination.

Even though you might pick up a copy of “The Gingerdead Man” and think “Wow, not only is there a picture of an evil gingerbread man on the cover, but Gary Busey is in it,” don’t rent the movie.

Any movie with the tagline “Evil never tasted so good!” is not going to be a winner. Chances are, it’s going to make you violently ill and leave you a cynical husk of your former self.

If you’re looking at the cover of a movie that features some kind of sinister-looking scarecrow carrying a scythe and the number “666″ digitally added into a cornfield behind it, you are probably looking at what 99 percent of the film’s budget went into.

Do yourself a favor and put the movie back on the shelf and walk away.

More then likely, the only thing scarier then the fact that somebody actually greenlit the movie is going to be that there’s somebody waiting behind you who really wants to rent it.

IMDB Score: 6.7 out of 10

Metacritic Score: 36 out of 100

Rotten Tomatoes: 41 out of 100

As any readers may have noticed, I’ve fallen a bit behind on my lofty goal of watching a year of bad movies.

One of my coolest moments from college was interviewing Bruce Campbell for my school paper. It was an e-mail interview, but cool nonetheless.

A busy work schedule has kept me from watching a movie a week and weekend activities have prevented me from catching up on my free time.

Well, enough is enough. It’s time to get back on track and tonight I will be taking the first step in that direction by watching approximately 17 hours of bad movies. I won’t be entirely caught up by tomorrow morning, but I’ll be a whole lot closer to my goal then I am today.

It’s currently 9 p.m. and I decided to start my marathon movie watching session with a film by one of my favorite actors from my childhood: Bruce Campbell.

“My Name is Bruce” turned out to be the perfect movie to begin the night’s festivities with — a bad movie about bad movies.

Bruce Campbell, who also directed the film, stars as himself, a B-movie actor famous for making some of the worst movies known to mankind. Down on his luck and more then a little dependent on the sauce, the film’s exaggerated version of Campbell is a complete asshole.

In what is essentially a coming-of-actor movie, Campbell is kidnapped by a dedicated fan and tricked into fighting a real-life monster that is plaguing a small mining community.

Bruce Campbell’s dedication to the part and willingness to throw everything he has on the screen makes the film more then enjoyable for those that are already fans of his work. Unfortunately, a terrible script, unbelievably bad acting from his co-stars and cheesy special effects firmly plant this movie alongside the rest of Campbell’s growing library of bad movies.

But that’s exactly how it should be.

Campbell has never been one to shy away from his role as the King of B-Movies. I don’t feel I’m alone in saying that Campbell’s acting chops could have (and perhaps should have) taken him far in Hollywood. He could have been a big action star (or at least the next William Shatner).

For whatever reason, though, he has built a career out of bad made-for-Sci-Fi-Channel movies.

It’s only fitting that a movie in which he stars as a version of himself mistaken for the characters he plays in bad b-movies should in fact be a bad b-movie.

“My Name is Bruce” knows exactly who it’s audience is: people who like more-then-slightly racist Chinese stereotypes played by Ted Rami, goth kids who grew up idolizing Ash from “Evil Dead,” Internet geeks who can quote Campbell like English majors can quote Dickens and every other aficionado of bad movies currently browsing their local comic book store’s bootleg bin.

Only an actor truly comfortable in his place in Hollywood could parody himself as perfectly as Campbell has done. Campbell knows who his fans are and is willing to give something back that he knows they will enjoy.

Maybe that’s what I learned from my first movie in tonight’s bad movie marathon — know thy fans and thou will know thyself.

Since I have no fans, I guess I’m stuck wallowing in my cesspool of self-doubt and awkwardness. Maybe someday I can become like Bruce Campbell, though. And that, my future fans, would be groovy.

Metacritic Score: 46 out of 100

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 22 out of 100

IMDB Score: 5.6 out of 10

I’ll be the first to admit I wasn’t too impressed with writer/director Rob Zombie’s initial take at the “Halloween” franchise.

Am I the only one who thinks that Michael Myers is starting to look more like Rob Zombie then Michael Myers?

Too much emphasis on the back story during the first half of the movie and a relatively by-the-books representation of the original film’s story during the second half left me underwhelmed and just a little bored.

I didn’t watch the film in the theater, though. And I was a fan of Zombie’s other two films, “House of 1000 Corpses” and “The Devil’s Rejects.” These two qualifiers convinced me to take a chance on “Halloween II” in the hopes I wouldn’t have to include it in my “Year of Bad Movies” experiment.

Mr. Zombie, you let me down.

Or maybe I let myself down.

“Halloween II” is a well-shot, atmospheric movie that offers an interesting take on a classic horror film monster. It is exactly the type of film I would have loved ten years ago. Today, though, I was struck by how tedious and joyless the film played.

Now some might be shocked at my desire to find joy in a film that features a masked man (wearing a William Shatner mask no less, tying it in to yesterday’s film) killing helpless teenagers, but we’re talking a different kind of joy here.

When I was a younger kid, I loved horror movies — the more dark and twisted the better. For a while there, my favorite type of horror film was the slasher film. While I was too young to enjoy the genre’s heyday during the ‘80s, I was still able to experience the second renaissance slasher films found in the late ‘90s.

As my sister and I consumed every new cheesy, low-budget slasher film that was made available for our eager eyes’ viewing pleasure, I found myself loosing touch with reality.

Now, I’ll never make the claim that horror films corrupt the minds of the youth (provided they are watched with parental guidance), but there is no denying that a childhood spent watching horror films left me desensitized to violence.

The result of this phenomenon has left me constantly searching for a scary movie that will actually scare me. I actually get jealous when I hear friends talking about how they don’t watch horror movies because they get scared too easily.

All I can do is sit back and remember being a child cowering under the covers during “The Omen.”

Still being a fan of horror movies, I have been left with no choice but to modify my approach when judging what is and what isn’t a good scary movie. I can’t base this on scares alone so I am left looking for joy.

In horror movies, I search for a sense of fun (either from humor written into the script to counteract the scares or proof that the filmmakers had a blast making the movie as evidenced by inventive death sequences or creative twists on old clichés).

“Halloween II,” for all its cinematic impressiveness, came off as a joyless, trip down a bloody path that offered no new sights or sounds. It was the same tired kills that seemed designed only to scare teenagers and tantalize those twisted psychos who get off on violence. In other words, it just wasn’t for me anymore.

A trip to Europe can only end in one way: Chainsaws.

The last year has been tough for everybody. With threats ranging from economic meltdown to swine flu to octomoms, it’s time for a break from the stress of the real world. It’s time for a summer vacation.

When planning a summer getaway, there are plenty of choices to pick from. From the budget-conscious safety net of SeaWorld to the extravagant escapism of a sunny island beach, there is no shortage of summer travel destinations.

When picking your summer vacation getaway, why not turn to the greatest source of insight mankind has been blessed with since the Magic 8 Ball: Movies.

The aisles of your local video store are filled with solid advice for planning the perfect summer vacation. For example, here are some places movies have taught us never to visit.

Europe

Whether you’re being bitten by a hungry werewolf on the English moors, having your daughter sold into sex slavery by fiendish Armenians or just being taken from your hostel and tortured by a group of wealthy and powerful businessmen looking to get their jollies, your European trip will end in tears. Guaranteed.

Movies have taught us to fear the unknown and the old equally. Europe is chock-full of both. Between cults that are all too willing to sacrifice you to their pagan gods and the French, there are few reasons to jump the pond and visit the old country.

If you’re looking for a taste of culture, why not take a trip to Epcot instead?

The Cabin in the Woods

Your boyfriend’s uncle has a great cabin in the woods that would be just perfect for a kegger? You know of an abandoned shack in the forest to which you can bring those girls from class for a make-out session? Sounds too good to be true, right? It is.

That cabin may seem like the perfect place for a party, but chances are you won’t be getting down with boogie fever. Instead, you’ll probably be exposed to flesh-eating bacteria, some kind of crazed supernatural slasher or demons called forth from the pit by a curious archaeologist who reads aloud from the Necronomicon.

Your standard “cabin in the woods” scenario almost always ends with death, mutilation and quiet sobbing. If you’re not being disturbing by a Blair Witch, your car is breaking down on the way to the cabin and you’re being hunted down by crazed rednecks.

Instead of exposing yourself to that kind of horror, why not just suck it up and spend time with your parents this summer? There may not be any less quiet sobbing, but nobody will chase you around with a machete. Probably.

The Future

Back to the Future Part II may have sold you on the idea of a time- traveling vacation this summer, but trust me: Hovering skateboards are not worth the risk of ending up in any of the other post-apocalyptic futures humanity has waiting for it.

The lure of jetting into the future to pick up sports stats with the intent of making a killing in the present day may tempt you, but when you’re being hooked up to wires and used as a battery for robots, you’ll be wishing you’d listened to my advice.

If you do decide to travel to the future, you may come across Christian Bale (either battling SkyNet’s robotic armies, fighting off giant dragons or acting cold and emotionless as he displays awesome gun-fighting skills). Whatever you do, though, don’t adjust the lights while he’s making an important speech. Do that and you and Bale might just be done, professionally.

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Is it time for Burning Man already?

Difficult to classify, The Wicker Man is part musical, part satire with definite horror overtones. Overall, the film is a tongue-in-cheek look at the nature of cultural diversity and the possibility that sometimes it just pays to be politically correct.

Written by Anthony Shaffer (Sleuth) and directed by Robin Hardy, this 1973 British film stars a young Edward Woodward as Sergeant Neil Howie, a devoutly Catholic policeman from the Scottish mainland who is sent to the offshore community of Summerisle to investigate the disappearance of a young girl.

What begins as a routine investigation quickly turns into a mass conspiracy seemingly involving every one of the island’s inhabitants — all members of a neo-pagan society who worship the “old gods.”

Howie is instantly thrown off kilt as he encounters firsthand the island’s shockingly open sexuality and ritualistic ceremonies and customs.  In a bout of self-righteousness that would not be out of place on Fox News, the shocked Sgt. Howie pledges to not only get to the bottom of the girl’s disappearance, but also to expose the blasphemy that is running rampant on the island.  Convinced the girl was part of a human sacrifice, Sgt. Howie will let nothing stand in his way, not even tact, as he battles the island heathens.

The film contains a splattering of supposed ancient Celtic traditions that, when combined with the obvious overtones of the uninhibited early seventies, gives birth to a wonderful mixing of history and exploitation.

As one example, the island folk love their music and the film contains several wonderfully composed and performed traditional song and dance sequences — including one beautifully haunting ballad sung by a gyrating seductress as she plays rhythm by slapping her nude body. Yet another classic trademark of ‘70s horror films.

The near porn like quality of early seventies horror films is a perfect fit with the uninhibited nature of certain Celtic rituals.  From the island children’s celebration around the maypole (described as clearly being a phallic symbol by a teacher to her classroom of listening school children) to a dance of fertility done in the buff, the movie changes tones rapidly – developing mysteries so fast that the film’s pace leaves a feeling of whiplash.  This rapid-fire nature adds to the audience’s unsettling discomfort as they discover the island’s strange practices along with the outraged Sgt. York.

The film contains a truly memorable performance by the very talented Christopher Lee as Lord Summerisle, the island’s protector and leader.

Channeling a personality that lies somewhere between Liberace and Marshal Applewhite, Lee’s performance of Lord Summerisle is that of a charismatic leader who desperately wants to do the right thing for his people, no matter how misguided he may be in his quest.

Climaxing in a horrific scene that not only reveals the truth behind the island population’s strange beliefs but also introduces the real danger behind the mysterious wicker man, the film leaves audiences with an unpleasant feeling in their gut — but at the same time the faint yet unmistakable traces of a grin upon their face.

In today’s world of cookie-cutter horror films, The Wicker Man is a welcome blast from the past from a decade where crazy cool horror movies could both be amazingly sexual and artsy at the same time.  This film does not offer any life-changing morality lessons, nor does it showcase an unbiased portrayal of ancient religions, but audiences are in for a horribly entertaining story that would not be out of place in any one of the classic EC horror comics of yore.

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