Movie: “The Manson Family”

Plot: A collage of filmmaking techniques and styles, director Jim Van Bebber’s exploration of Charles Manson’s group of followers took more than six years to film. The end result is a nice tall glass of disturbing with a twist of perversion.

Charles Manson, the sometimes charismatic, always crazy cult leader, cast a dark shadow on the tail end of the 1960s. Leading his followers in a series of killings and mischief making, Manson believed himself to be a god. His family (consisting of  former teachers, football players and students) were his drug-loving acolytes, carrying out his word with bloody detail.

Filmed in a combination of mock interviews and dramatizations, the film never spends too much time on Manson (played by Marcelo Games), instead focusing on the sex and drug-fueled misdeeds carried out by his followers. Concentrating on the various personalities that constituted Manson’s inner circle, Van Bebber outlines their descent into murder from their innocent hippie beginnings to the eventual trials that landed most of Manson’s followers in jail.

The cast, a spattering of unknown actors, burrows deep into their roles, transforming themselves into their real-life inspirations. The film’s production values and atmosphere radiate a 1970s exploitation-vibe – a perfect match for the film’s subject matter. Van Bebber’s music video background is utilized heavily in the film’s editing. Flashes of color and abstract symbolism punctuate underwhelming acting and over-the-top production.

Unfortunately, the film’s excess sex and violence prevents audiences from taking “The Manson Family” too seriously. Instead of crafting an in-depth exploration into a genuinely interesting historical case, Van Bebber produces pure, unadulterated schlock.

Connection to Texas A&M in Six Degrees: Jim Van Bebber’s Charlie Manson was believably played by Marcelo Games in “The Manson Family.” Games made his acting debut in Van Bebber’s earlier film, “Deadbeat at Dawn” with Paul Harper, a graduate of the University of Texas. Harper also made an appearance in the television western “Ghost Rock,” which starred Gary Busey, the star of many films, including “Black Sheep,” a Chris Farley film. One of Farley’s earliest films, “Coneheads,” also featured an early appearance from comedian Eddie Griffin. Griffin would later go on to appear in “The New Guy,” which featured A&M graduate Lyle Lovett in a supporting role.

Cheese Whip: The film is framed by the present-day story of a television journalist seeking to uncover the truth behind the Manson family. Unfortunately for him, a group of modern-day Manson followers have made time in their busy schedule of trips to Hot Topic and playing Dungeons and Dragons to threaten him with bodily harm. The overtly fictionalized framing sequence seems shoehorned in and removes audiences from the flow of the film, but it is a prime example of the film’s philosophy: The truth isn’t as important as a really cool slasher scene.

How to Watch: To watch “The Manson Family” for the fullest impact, gather up your own family, heat up some popcorn and settle down for this touching story of family values and the tie that binds and gags. If you’re lucky, your parents will awkwardly try and emphasize that not everybody in the 1960s was having promiscuous sex, doing drugs and killing people. Make sure and send the little ones to bed early though, as the film will undoubtedly scar them for life, leaving them scared of experimental films and hippies.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 20 out of 100

IMDB Score: 4.9 out of 10

“Bad Moon” is the latest in a series of films I’ve seen that seem to prove a theory I’ve long suspected: If you go to another country, you’re going to get attacked by a werewolf.

A werwewolf teaches the kid from "Dennis the Menace" that Mr. Wilson was a light-weight when it comes to corporal punishment.

From England to Paris to Canada and now South America, werewolves have offices set up in tourist locations across the world, waiting to chomp down on hapless Americans looking for some photo opportunities.

In “Bad Moon,” Michael Pare plays Ted, a werewolf attack survivor who moves in with his sister Janet (played by Mariel Hemingway) and her son Brett (Mason “Dennis the Menace” Gamble), after returning from an exceptionally exciting trip to the Amazon.

As Ted struggles with his newfound lycanthropy, only Janet’s dog Thor suspects something may be wrong with dear Uncle Ted.

Using his super-canine powers, Thor is able to sniff out the wolf in the fold but, in yet another case of human-pet misunderstanding, is sent to the pound for being a “bad dog” when he decides to nibble on the shapeshifter’s arm.

There are just as many pets-sent-to-the-pound-because-their-attempts-to-save-their-owners-from-supernatural-attacks-are-misconstrued-as-roudy-conduct movies as there are American-tourists-get-attacked-by-international-werewolf movies —which, is to say, there are a handful.

Like “Cat’s Eye” before it, “Bad Moon” has reinforced my almost blind trust in my pet’s intuition. From trolls to werewolves, our pets are just trying to look out for our safety.

If my dog starts to bark at a person, be they stranger or beloved family member, I will instantly assume that I am dealing with a werewolf in disguise. Why waste time with logic and common sense? Movies have taught me that these crutches are just time-wasting plot devices set up to build tension before the eventual moonlit showdown between man and man-beast.

If I could just go through life assuming every one of life’s setbacks was a horror movie plot waiting to happen, I’d save a lot of time and grief in the end.

This is just one of the many life lessons I learned while watching “Bad Moon.”

The 1996 film also taught me that morphing technology, although useful in Michael Jackson music videos or in Ron Howard’s “Willow,” makes for a terrible werewolf transformation sequence.

Seriously, I never would have thought I’d yearn for the days of time-lapse and yak hair.

I also learned that if one needs to measure the circumference of a tree trunk, perhaps there are better times to do this then in the middle of the night — when werewolves might be waiting to pounce at you from on top a tree.

Horror movies are a great teaching tool. Even the cheesiest, lowest budget schlockfest is a great source of wisdom when it comes to what choices not to make if you want to live a long, bloody corpse free life.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that kids don’t need to necessarily go to college as much as they need to watch bad horror movies.

I’m going to be a great parent.

I don’t know what is scarier: home invaders or space invaders.

When’s the last time you checked underneath your bed? How long has it been since you’ve pulled the shower curtain back and taken a peak at who might be hiding behind it? What about your oven? There could be somebody hiding in your oven – albeit, a very small somebody.

The point is this: Hollywood has shown us time and time again that homes, our personal fortresses of solitude, aren’t safe. We are all one phone call from a stranger away from a knife in the back. It’s okay; I’ll give you a moment to freak the heck out.

But don’t worry; besides providing a cornucopia of anxiety, Hollywood has also been kind enough to provide some sure-fire tips to combat home invaders:

• A panic room, a room designed to be a safe haven in times of a break-in, may seem like the perfect place to hide but remember: you can’t have a panic room without the word panic. What’s worse then having somebody break into your house and violate your personal space? How about having a front-row seat to watch and not being able to do anything about it. Do you really want to stare helplessly at video monitors while home invaders drink your milk straight from the carton, pee in your toilet without lifting the seat or wipe boogers on your couch?
• The best weapon against home invaders is not a gun or knife — it’s an eight-year-old boy. While a home invader can take your gun and use it against you, an eight-year-old boy is a never-ending source of Rube Goldberg-inspired booby traps and mean-spirited trickery. In fact, eight-year-old boys have been shown to be so effective against burglars, this columnist recommends keeping at least a dozen of them stocked in your basement at all times.
• If you and your family are taken hostage by a sassy crook, try opening up to him and inviting him to join in on your family’s dysfunction. Chances are the crook may have a heart of gold and his duct-taping you and your family to chairs and stuffing gags in your mouth was just an attempt by him to reach out and connect with somebody. By ignoring his tough-talking demeanor and threats to shoot you if your family continues to bicker amongst yourselves, you and your kin can show him that love comes in all shapes and sizes. Warning: Not all criminals have a heart of gold — some really will shoot you and your family.
• The most important tip to be gleamed from the movies is this: home invasion is scary. You may just want to sell your house and move into a hotel permanently. Because nothing scary has ever happened in a hotel, right?

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Scary stories for scary kids.

Earlier this year (when this blog was originally published) I went to see Coraline, an excellent stop-motion adaptation of a Neil Gaiman book. I was blown away by the amazing job director Henry Selick did visualizing the novel’s darker scenes. The film, while not exactly horror, was definitely creepy for a children’s movie. As I looked around the packed theater at the children seated in the audience, I saw a few covering their eyes but for the most part, a gleeful look filled their faces — they were digging the creepiness as much as I was.

When I was a kid, I was raised on a steady diet of horror movies. Thanks in large part to Amy, my oldest sister, and her video rental card, Mary, my other sister, and I watched an above-average amount of scary movies growing up. When Amy moved away to college, Mary and I did not stop our horror flick fixation. Instead of perusing the animation aisle at Blockbuster to pick up the latest Disney cartoon, she and I shopped around for a new horror movie every time our mother took us to the video store.

On Friday nights, I would stay up late and watch Joe Bob Briggs’ Monster Vision on TNT. Biggs would host a series of schlocky horror movies, offering witticisms and factoids during commercial breaks.

Thanks to Professor Briggs, I was introduced to some of the worst horror movies ever made — and I loved them. From Project: MetalBeast, an early ‘90s film that featured a werewolf with bulletproof skin, to The Gate, a movie in which a heavy metal record played backwards opens a portal to Hell, I watched every scary movie I could get my hands on.

One of my all-time favorite movies as a kid was Monster Squad, an homage to the Little Rascals that featured a group of kids who fought the Universal Monsters. During my favorite scene, in which a decidedly non-bullet proof werewolf was blown up with a grenade and began to piece himself back together (the grenade was, after all, not made of silver), I would hide behind the couch. I would jump up and down with excitement — afraid to watch but unwilling to look away for longer then 10 seconds. When the film was finally released on DVD last year, I spent a morning tracking down a copy so I could relive fond childhood memories. I’m happy to say that Monster Squad is one movie that still holds up.

During high school, horror experienced somewhat of a renaissance thanks to the film Scream. Because of the movie’s blockbuster performance, horror movies (specifically slasher ones) were all the rage – and I watched nearly all of them. As I consumed one blood-soaked 90-minute body count after another, I started to realize something — I was growing bored. Horror movies, in general, weren’t scaring me anymore. Scream had given me nightmares. So had The Blair Witch Project but that had more to do with my own imagination then the actual film. Following a long dry spell where I watched horror movie after horror movie without so much as a bad dream, I watched The Ring which managed to elicit a restless night. Since then, I cannot think of a single movie I’ve seen that has scared me.

I’m not talking about making me jump. Pop a balloon in my face and I’ll jump. I like my horror movies to still leave me scared well out of the theater and, sadly, I’ve become desensitized to scary stuff.

I don’t watch as many horror movies as I used to. Since I don’t watch them to be scared, I tend to stick to ones that either have good effects or a good story — ingredients hard to find in this particular genre. While I didn’t have nightmares about button eyes thanks to Coraline, I at least fell asleep content in the fact I watched a good movie.

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Didn’t your mamma tell you it’s rude to stare?

Everybody has felt the temptation. While walking down the street, you spot someone who happens to stand out a little more then usual. Try as you might, your eye is drawn to this curiously constructed person. Maybe there’s something extra where there shouldn’t be. Perhaps something’s missing from the overall picture. Whatever the case may be, you can’t help but stare at that freak.

Wait a minute; you can’t call them that! We’re living in a civilized society with certain a political correctness that we all must follow.

Well, 1932 was a different place.

Seeking to produce the ultimate horror film in the freshly created world of “talkies,” MGM commissioned Tod Browning, director of Universal’s Dracula, to construct something so gruesome, so horrifying it would set the standard for all films to come. What Browning delivered certainly fits the bill. Freaks is a cult classic tale of love amongst circus folks. Rather then utilizing make-up and prosthetics, Browning filled his film with the greatest collection of sideshow attractions ever gathered in one place. From a pair of midget lovers (played by real life siblings Harry and Daisy Earles) to the original Hilton sisters, a pair of conjoined twins each married to a different man, to a truly memorable collection of microcephiles, more commonly referred to as “pinheads,” the film’s stars were culled from the top carnivals of the world. Cast members play a fictionalized version of themselves; their personalities exaggerated to showcase their specific skills and specialties.

Cleopatra, a trapeze artist, puts up with the puppy dog like affections showered upon her from sideshow midget, Hans, with a detached amusement. When she learns from Hans’ jealous fiancé that the pint-sized German has inherited a sizable fortune, she sets upon a sinister scheme to marry Hans and then murder him for his fortune.

What Cleopatra doesn’t count on is the unspoken bond between carnival folk. If one freak is hurt, you face the wrath of all freaks. When Hans’ fellow sideshow attractions discover Cleopatra’s plan, they race, or wiggle as the case may be for real-life quadriplegic actor Prince Randian who plays a human torso, to Hans’ rescue in all their deformed glory.

The DVD edition features a pristine transfer of the classic film. The picture quality is magnificent, allowing audiences a rare glimpse at a seventy plus year old film. While the sound quality is a bit muddled due to the early nature of recording used in filming, handy subtitles will help decipher the film’s plot.

The film clocks in at a quick 64-minutes. This means audiences are treated to a minimalist horror tale without lengthy exposition or self-indulgent camera tricks. Unfortunately, the film’s short length also cuts into whatever character development is presented. There apparently exists a longer cut somewhere out there in the world. Hopefully it gets discovered sooner than later.

While some may argue that the film’s cast was exploited in a cruel and unusual manner, their backgrounds lend more credibility then even Lon Chaney would have had in any one of the roles. Even the actual Hollywood actors hired to fill in the film’s “normal” roles offer above-par performances. The cast portrays a unity that excels at its believability and chemistry amongst characters. Audiences will have no cause to doubt the bond amongst carnival folk.

Upon the film’s release, critics panned Freaks almost universally. Banned in many countries and states, it is still illegal to watch the film in several cities (although the law is not enforced). Rediscovered by the early seventies’ counter culture movement, Freaks has grown into a certified classic. Freaks is a treat both for the visual spectacle offered by the cast and as a reminder of a bygone era where society was not entirely wrapped up in being PC.

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A look back at a short-lived horror movie trend.

While the popularity of Japanese horror film remakes has seemed to have died out, there was a time not too long ago that horror movie aficionados had a taste for foreign cuisine when it came to their boo-feasts.

Hollywood, for a while, had embraced Japan when looking for guidance on how to build a better scare. From The Ring to The Grudge, Hollywood was churning out remakes of Japanese ghost movies like they were going out of style (which I guess they actually did eventually do).

With the past few years worth of horror movies cast under the shadow of Japan’s horrifying influence, American audiences were in need of guidance when it came to deciding how to best approach a film from the land of the rising sun. Luckily, their friendly neighborhood movie geek was there to give them a guided tour through the themes and motifs that surround Japanese-influenced horror films. What follows is a column I originally wrote for The Battalion.

DROWNING YOUR SCREAMS

From The Ring‘s Samara’s aversion to water to the titular role that it plays in Dark Water, H20 is a mainstay in Japanese horror movies.

It may be because Japan is surrounded by water or it could just be a reflection of the fact that drowning is a really painful way to die, but where there are ghosts, water is surely not far behind. It seems that in Japanese horror films, one can’t swing a mewing cat-boy around his head without hitting a bathtub that’s mysteriously filled with nasty water.

If confronted with this strange phenomenon, you should always remember to listen to that little voice inside your head called common sense.

Chances are good that the bathtub is filled with some kind of ghostly nasty and more often than not, the dirtier the water is, the creepier the ghost will be. Instead of dipping an appendage into the tub to look for the drain, turn around and walk away.

You don’t need to take a bath; you can just use Febreeze to freshen up.

I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR

It used to be that prepubescent boys could go to a horror film and rest assured that they were about to feast their ever-hungry eyes upon a scantly clad co-ed running from a killer with an almost too-phallic-shaped-to-be-coincidental knife.

Today’s girl-crazy boys in search of some dominance-wish-fulfillment-escapism have it tough though. Instead of nubile young females, Japanese-influenced horror movies feature strong independent women who can more then hold their own in a supernatural smack down. From Naomi Watts to Jennifer Connelly to Buffy the freakin’ Vampire Slayer, Japanese influenced horror movies have all had heroines who offer more to the fight than a good scream.

It’s not clear if this is a reflection of today’s progressive society or more of Hollywood pandering to the cash-carrying “tween” demographic, but one thing is clear: Women kick butt.

BETTER LIVING THROUGH MODERN TECHNOLOGY

For such an ancient tradition, ghost stories have been given a technological facelift courtesy of the modern Japanese horror film. Ghosts are no longer content with rattling chains and wearing sheets.

Instead, today’s dead utilize the latest in technological advances to further their scare tactics. When it comes to cursed videos and other tech-savvy ghost shenanigans, nothing is what it seems.

It could be Japan’s dependence on technology that drives their fear of technological breakdown.

The fact that America bombed the country during World War II could also shed some light into a potential subconscious fear of science. The boom of atomic radiated monster movies in the fifties is a reflection in itself of Japan’s paranoia.

Either way, if life reflects art, readers should be wary of anything they read or see in the media. In fact, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Hollywood releases a film about a haunted blog.

Boo!

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Here are some cult classic horror films worth checking out.

Watching a modern horror film is a lot like fighting a swarm of giant mosquitoes (or Mansquitos). It sucks.

With too much time spent on creating needlessly gory violence and not enough effort taken to create characters audiences can actually care about, watching a horror film in theaters is more often then not as morally bankrupt an act as the band Creed doing a reunion tour.

Do not despair though; what follows is a list of forgotten horror films that are high in quality and won’t skimp on the scares.

Play Misty For Me

Plot: Before Clint Eastwood was winning Oscars for his directing, he made his directorial debut in this 1971 film that serves as a precursor to modern-day slasher films. Eastwood stars as Dave Garver, a jazz radio DJ who finds himself stalked by Evelyn, an obsessive fan played by Jessica Walter. What begins as frequent requests from a seductive voice asking Garver to play the song Misty soon becomes a casual affair between two consenting adults.

However, when Garver decides to end his relationship with Evelyn and return to his longtime girlfriend, things turn ugly.

How ugly?

Try stalking, knife wielding and threatening phone calls for starters. But if there’s one thing that moviegoers have learned, it’s not to mess with Eastwood. In a departure from his trademark machismo, Eastwood plays a sensitive man … who just happens to treat a woman like dirt.

But like the most expensive vacuum cleaner, Eastwood is sure to clean up his mess afterwards.

Life Lesson: When faced with an obsessive stalker, delicacy is of prime importance. Avoid unnecessary making crazies crazier with a misspoken statement. If worse comes to worst though, just throw them off a cliff.

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Near Dark

Plot: In the 1987 cult classic, Caleb Colton (Adrian Pasdar) is a simple country boy content with working the farm with his family. When a dusty RV pulls into his small mid-Western town and Mae (Jenny Wright), a dazzling beauty, walks into his life, he finds himself drawn into a bit of a pickle.

The problem lies in the fact that Mae is a vampire, traveling the country with her clan of fellow redneck nosferatu. When Caleb becomes a reluctant convert to the nightlife, he must partake in a bloody initiation process in order to get in his new family’s good graces.

Lance Henriksen and Bill Paxton co-star as good ol’ boy vampires in search of a good time and blood to spill. The film’s memorable make-up and prosthetic work is still a treat to look at 18 years later.

Life Lesson: If joining an organization where the initiation process involves eating someone, seriously rethink your motivations for wanting to join such a group. Is this really going to look good on your resume?

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The Gate

Plot: Also released in 1987, The Gate is the heartwarming tale of sibling love in the face of giant worm demons. A young Stephen Dorff plays Glen, an impressionable child who finds himself at odds with his sister Al, played by Christa Denton.

After an old tree is removed from their backyard, a mysterious hole appears. It is only after playing heavy metal music backwards, though, that the forces of hell begin to pop their ugly heads up from the hole and wreck havoc on the family’s night.

From dead parents to tiny demon smurfs, the two siblings face an assortment of ghoulish surprises and events sure to traumatize the most callused of kids. The miniatures work used to bring hell’s denizens to life is impressive to say the least. More impressive is that this film isn’t more popular among monster movie enthusiasts.

Life Lesson: If confronted by impossible odds, and by impossible odds I mean Satan himself has popped out from under your floorboards and is looking to eat you, shoot a rocket of love at it. Either he will become frightened by the pure emotion contained in said rocket and go away or he’ll eat you. Either way, you’ll have made your move and not died like a pansy.

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Waxwork

Plot: In 1988 Anthony Hickcox wrote and directed Waxwork, a tongue-in-cheek revival of classic horror films. Zach Galligan stars as Mark Loftmore, a rich teenage yuppie who, along with his gang of high school pals, visits a creepy wax museum run by a curator with a penchant for dressing like Willy Wonka.

Inside the museum exists a collection of horrifying wax figures modeled after every monster known to man.

From Dracula to the Marques de Sade, the exhibits call unto them each of the visiting students and one by one transports them into the past where the students must face the monster in the flesh.

Graphic effects and an intriguing plot make this forgotten flick a real find.

John Rhys-Davies makes a cameo as a woodsman with the unfortunate habit of turning into a werewolf.

Life Lesson: Never trust a creepy eccentric man dressed in colorful clothing that invites you to visit his home late at night. Trust me; that kind of invitation never leads to anything good.

Support this site and buy Waxwork / Waxwork II – Lost in Time

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A vampire movie that really sucks.

To put it lightly, Reign in Darkness, the directing debut from Australian filmmakers David W. Allen and Kel Dolen, is a stinker. And by stinker, I mean a putrid film that plays like rancid baby poo smells.

You might enjoy Reign in Darkness if you also enjoy having your nards kicked, being shoved down flights of stairs or listening to the death rattle of your only child.

Dolen stars as Michael Dorn, a scientist working on a cure for AIDS who discovers that the cure is actually a plot to spread the curse of vampirism to unsuspecting humans.

A hodge-podge of movie plagiarism, the film lifts scenes and plot devices from other movies like a weightlifter lifts, uh, weights.

Dolan garbs his character in an assortment of plastic and leather, leaving himself looking very much like a poor man’s Neo. Horrible attempts to ape the gunplay of The Boondock Saints and the sword fights of  Blade leave audiences feeling nostalgic for the days of Dolph Lundgren. But even Lundgren, an MIT scholar, is smart enough to avoid this showcase of absurd acting and zany plot holes.

To be fair, the movie packs a decent number of action scenes. Unfortunately, unbelievably bad computer effects hamper almost all of them.

For a movie called Reign in Darkness, a good portion of the film seems to take place in broad daylight. From gunfights to car chases to explosions, the sun shines bright and cheerfully above the vampires’ heads. Of course, it’s possible that the directors forgot the teeny little detail that vampires are supposed to be allergic to the sun — not to mention forgetting that their movie is called Reign in Darkness.

After all, the two filmmakers were too busy stealing from every other vampire movie imaginable to worry about little things like details.

With an absurd plot and painful displays of acting, this movie is proof that not all foreign films are insightful and/or educational.

Fortunately, any movie can be made enjoyable depending on the way it’s watched.

In order to make the most out of Reign of Darkness, gather up a group of friends. Keep the lights nice and bright to attract daylight-loving vampires and serve up a tray of assorted cheeses and corn-based food products.

For a real treat, invite friends to participate in a movie-themed game. During the course of the film, players are encouraged to steal as much as they can from their fellow audience members. Wallets, watches and precious time are all up for grabs.

The player who has stolen the most from their friends by the time the credits roll is the winner and should go on to direct Reign of Darkness II: Vampire Dundee.

Support this site and buy Reign in Darkness

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You know what I miss sometimes? Getting scared.

I’m not talking about the “Boy, I sure am scared that I’ll never amount to anything and I’ll end up living with my parents until I die of heart failure while watching reruns of The Simpsons“-kind of scared.

That’s a constant fear that still plagues the back of my mind like a sinus headache.

I’m not even talking about the “Gee whiz, I hope that scary dude in aisle three doesn’t pull out a gun and try to rob the store. I have a sinking suspicion if that happens, I won’t wind up being the heroic figure I’ve always imagined myself to be — instead I’ll probably die in a pool of my pee and blood”-kind of scared.

That old friend comes and visits at least once every few weeks.

The fear that I miss the most is the fear of the supernatural.

When I was a kid, I was a big fan of horror movies.

To a point, I still am. The difference is, of course, that I have realized that vampires and werewolves do not exist. I don’t have to worry about being eaten by a zombie.

But what if I did?

Have to fear zombies, that is.

When I was a kid, the fear of the unknown was constantly nipping at my heels. Sleeping in my bunk bed, I could picture all sorts of slimy, slithering and scary evilness lurking beneath me — and I’m talking about my sister who slept in the bottom bunk.

Thinking about the monsters that were surely waiting to devour me, I could scare myself into frenzy.

Too petrified to venture from underneath my covers for fear of being devoured by Satan, whom I was convinced was loitering underneath my bed, I would wet my bed, reasoning that wet sheets were the lesser of two evils whenever Satan was involved.

My wild and inventive imagination has given me much pleasure during my life.

I don’t need a movie or a book to be entertained. I can just close my eyes and experience vast adventures of an epic nature. My imagination, though, was also my worst enemy when I was a kid. The impossible seemed more then possible and my fears seemed to be waiting behind every corner, ready to beat and rape me to death.

Despite all this, I enjoyed being scared. The excitement and adrenaline that pumped through my veins during my moments of fright were like powerful drugs. I felt alive. Horrified, but alive.

There was also the element of surprise. Without science or logic laid out before me, there was always the chance that I could come across a dragon. If I could meet a monster, there was always the possibility that I could live out one of the epic adventures that I played out in my mind.

Not to get all D&D on you, but I miss the possibility of magic.

My flirtation with fear ended one late October night. My family had taken a trip to Astroworld for the park’s Halloween-themed celebration. Amid all the usual rides and gift stores were a smattering of some of the most freighting haunted houses this side of Richard Matheson’s Hell House.

Alongside my parents, I visited a few of them. And of course, I melted into a putty of blubbering, trembling panty-waist in each house.

I cried and whined and moaned with every face-paint wearing actor to jump out of a dark corner. My father, no doubt embarrassed by my actions, took me to the side and laid it down for me.

“There’s nothing to be scared of. Those ‘monsters’ are just college kids in masks. There is no such thing as monsters, not really. Those kids won’t hurt you and they won’t eat you. The worse they will do is make you pee your pants.”

With his words, I looked at the world in a new light. Fear can be conquered. It’s going to take effort, but I can overcome my irrational behavior. I walked into the next haunted house with a new resolve. Instead of running and screaming like a little girl when a clown approached me with a chainsaw, I laughed at him. It wasn’t a very convincing laugh. It sounded like a very frightened laugh, but it was a laugh nonetheless. I cracked jokes. I pointed and I feigned boredom. I went overboard.

Soon, I was insulting the Halloween ghouls’ performances and commenting on their poor choice of costumes. I was a little brat.

After that night, my fear of the supernatural slowly evaporated. Nightmares of vampires and witches were replaced with restless nights of real-life anxiety like school, popularity and the future. The boogyman was not Spring Heeled Jack; it was the quiet kid in class who might bring a gun to school. The vampire was not the supernatural creature of the night out to suck my blood. It was my sometimes-overbearing parents set on sucking out my freedom. The werewolf was not a frenzied primal beast of nature, it was the pent up sexual angst unlocked at puberty.

Every now and then, I manage to trick myself and for a second fall back into the role of the pee-stained little boy perched onto his bunk bed crying out for his mother. Whether it’s driving down a darkened road in the middle of the night and seeing a flash of something out of the corner of my eye or coming across a video of an alleged exorcism on YouTube, I can sometimes still recapture my fright. And it feels good.

At the same time, I sure would be scared if a zombie ate my brains.

I might even piss my pants.

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Certain movie deaths lend themselves to more street credibility then others.

Going out in a hail of gunfire as you battle an unstoppable army of razor-toothed, acid-blooded alien monsters is an honorable way to die. Being chased down by a lone zombie who can barely move a foot without loosing his foot is a downright shameful way to shuffle off the mortal coil.

From the themed displays at your local video store to any one of the late night marathons on cable television, it’s aparent Halloween is around the corner and Hollywood’s scariest are waiting to be watched. But with a glut of gory programming available, many disregard the genre as a whole, preferring to spend their viewing time with something a little less horrifying.

Apathy towards scary movies, my friends, is the surest way to find yourself under the blade of a demented clown-themed killer. If only you had taken the time to watch a few scary movies and jotted down some notes, you too would have known how to survive any clichéd horror movie plot.

Lucky for you, I’ve taken the time to prepare a few handy tips that will put you on the right track towards survival. Horror movies may be formulaic and derivative, but that’s exactly why surviving one is as easy as pumpkin pie.

• When asked to put the lotion on the skin, politely decline. Your captive is trying to preserve your delicate epidermis in order to later harvest it in construction of a woman suit. In fact, take extra care to add to the deterioration of your overall appearance by taking up smoking and consuming greasy foods. Nobody wants a woman suit with acne.
• When attempting to learn the running speed of an approaching zombie, throw a rock at it. If it stumbles along at a snail-like pace, the zombie can easily be avoided by running away. If it charges at you with an uncanny speed, question your motive for throwing the rock in the first place.
• When faced with an eminent exorcism, remember: The power of Christ compels you… to run the other way as fast as you can.
• When walking down a dark alley, do not advertise yourself as a victim. Instead, bring along a small child as a decoy victim.
• When filming a documentary about a local urban legend, remember to go prepared. Essential supplies include plenty of batteries, a compass, a map, a flare gun, enough food to last you a few days and a tripod in order to hold the camera straight for more then two seconds.
• Werewolves are cunning beasts that can easily overpower their prey. Wait until they transform back into their weak human forms before hitting them over the head with a two-by-four … made of silver.
• If you receive a phone call telling you that you will die in seven days after watching what looks to be some disturbing glimpse into a film student’s psyche, upload the video onto YouTube with the tags “Star Wars Kid,” “Paris Hilton,” and “XXX.” College frat boys everywhere will be unable to resist downloading it and you’ll pass the curse on to somebody more deserving.
• Do not forget to wear garlic around your neck when combating a vampire or trying to woo Mario the Plumber.
• If you suspect your next-door neighbor to be an alien out to replace you with a pod person, contact your local Tea Party.

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