It’s October and that means it’s time for another Saw movie. This weekend, the fifth film in the ultra-violent torture-porn franchise is released in theaters — giving horror junkies an excuse to roll out of bed, shuffle past their vintage Faces of Death movie poster, pop a Monster Magnet cassette into the tape deck in their parent’s station wagon and head to the local theater in search of some blood and guts on the big screen.

The Saw movies as a whole might be an epic dissertation into the horrors of man’s soul, but I stopped watching after the second film, unable to get past the horrible acting and general misanthropic attitude — two things I got my fill of in high school.

It’s not coincidental, then, that the average audience member of a Saw film is more often then not barely able to grow peach fuzz on his chin. Unaware of the horrors of real, everyday life, the films’ teenaged disciples cling to the teachings of Jigsaw, the franchise’s murderous anti-hero, as hard as they cling to their belief that shopping at Hot Topic is edgy.

If Saw V isn’t worth the price of a ticket, though, how should those in need of a good scare get their blood pumping? Try these “horror” movies on for size.

* Requiem for a Dream — Darren Aronofsky’s adaptation of Hubert Selby Jr.’s novel of drug addiction is the perfect cure for a good day. The film, which chronicles the downfall of four different addicts, will leave audiences in need of a cold shower and a phone call from their mother. Lives are ruined and dreams shattered. Ellen Burstyn, Jared Leto and Jennifer Connelly star as people whose addiction to drugs leads to the some of the worst possible outcomes imaginable.

* Happiness — Writer/Director Todd Solondz is a sick, sick man. Watching Happiness, his anthology of depravity, is an experience akin to spending the weekend with that creepy uncle of yours who always is inviting you to wrestle him, even though all he has on is boxer shorts. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Dylan Baker and Lara Flynn Boyle star as three deviants whose lives intersect. Baker’s character, a father who also is a pedophile, in particular has some of the most cringe-worthy scenes in celluloid history. I promise nobody will be able to sit still in their seats without flinching as Baker’s character explains to his son what being a pedophile means.

* Kids — Larry Clark’s 1995 exploration into urban youth is an eye-opener guaranteed to make viewers queasy. Staring a collection of mostly authentic children actors (including then-unkown Chloe Sevigny and Rosario Dawson), the movie follows an HIV-positive teenage boy as he sets out to have sex with as many virgins as possible. Teenagers, if you thought your parents were tough before, let them watch this film and they will lock you in a dungeon until you are 33 years old.

Robert Saucedo warns those attempting a marathon of these three movies they they should stock up on hugs from teddy bears. Follow him on twitter @robsaucedo2500.

Movie: “The Manson Family”

Plot: A collage of filmmaking techniques and styles, director Jim Van Bebber’s exploration of Charles Manson’s group of followers took more than six years to film. The end result is a nice tall glass of disturbing with a twist of perversion.

Charles Manson, the sometimes charismatic, always crazy cult leader, cast a dark shadow on the tail end of the 1960s. Leading his followers in a series of killings and mischief making, Manson believed himself to be a god. His family (consisting of  former teachers, football players and students) were his drug-loving acolytes, carrying out his word with bloody detail.

Filmed in a combination of mock interviews and dramatizations, the film never spends too much time on Manson (played by Marcelo Games), instead focusing on the sex and drug-fueled misdeeds carried out by his followers. Concentrating on the various personalities that constituted Manson’s inner circle, Van Bebber outlines their descent into murder from their innocent hippie beginnings to the eventual trials that landed most of Manson’s followers in jail.

The cast, a spattering of unknown actors, burrows deep into their roles, transforming themselves into their real-life inspirations. The film’s production values and atmosphere radiate a 1970s exploitation-vibe – a perfect match for the film’s subject matter. Van Bebber’s music video background is utilized heavily in the film’s editing. Flashes of color and abstract symbolism punctuate underwhelming acting and over-the-top production.

Unfortunately, the film’s excess sex and violence prevents audiences from taking “The Manson Family” too seriously. Instead of crafting an in-depth exploration into a genuinely interesting historical case, Van Bebber produces pure, unadulterated schlock.

Connection to Texas A&M in Six Degrees: Jim Van Bebber’s Charlie Manson was believably played by Marcelo Games in “The Manson Family.” Games made his acting debut in Van Bebber’s earlier film, “Deadbeat at Dawn” with Paul Harper, a graduate of the University of Texas. Harper also made an appearance in the television western “Ghost Rock,” which starred Gary Busey, the star of many films, including “Black Sheep,” a Chris Farley film. One of Farley’s earliest films, “Coneheads,” also featured an early appearance from comedian Eddie Griffin. Griffin would later go on to appear in “The New Guy,” which featured A&M graduate Lyle Lovett in a supporting role.

Cheese Whip: The film is framed by the present-day story of a television journalist seeking to uncover the truth behind the Manson family. Unfortunately for him, a group of modern-day Manson followers have made time in their busy schedule of trips to Hot Topic and playing Dungeons and Dragons to threaten him with bodily harm. The overtly fictionalized framing sequence seems shoehorned in and removes audiences from the flow of the film, but it is a prime example of the film’s philosophy: The truth isn’t as important as a really cool slasher scene.

How to Watch: To watch “The Manson Family” for the fullest impact, gather up your own family, heat up some popcorn and settle down for this touching story of family values and the tie that binds and gags. If you’re lucky, your parents will awkwardly try and emphasize that not everybody in the 1960s was having promiscuous sex, doing drugs and killing people. Make sure and send the little ones to bed early though, as the film will undoubtedly scar them for life, leaving them scared of experimental films and hippies.

Vampires and movies about them have one thing in common: They mostly suck. The number of quality films starring the undead can be counted on the hand of a character from Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle”.

Sure there are the guilty pleasures (“Fright Night,” “The Lost Boys,” “Blade”), but while these movies are fun to watch, they will never be lauded for character development or innovative story lines.

Perhaps a vampire movie doesn’t have to be innovative. Maybe some viewers find comfort in a genre that constantly rehashes itself. It could be that vampire movies, with their penchant for being as bloody as they are sexually charged, are the comfort food of the goth kids who shop at Hot Topic.

What does this mean for David Slade, who, according to the advertising campaign for “30 Days of Night,” is out to reinvent the vampire genre?

Slade is talented, no question. He did, after all, direct “Hard Candy,” a edge-of-the-seat thriller about a pedophile who is caught and tortured by a teenage girl. But can he do something rarely done before: Make a truly scary vampire movie?

Time, and the price of movie admission, will tell whether Slade was able to save vampire movies from a future of endless recycled plot points and character designs.

Seeing how vampires are a Hollywood staple lately, there will always be new movies staring your favorite bloodsuckers.

Depending on the director’s vision (and budget), the nosferatu can have many different faces and demeanors. Besides “Night”‘s savage creatures, here are a few other ways vampires are portrayed on the screen:

The Recluse

The reclusive vampire is often found in dark castles or crypts, venturing outside only to prey on the weak. Unlike Dracula, these vampires rarely have concubines or lavish wardrobes to parade around in. Instead, they are often deformed or elderly. One of the earliest versions of this vampire can be found in “Nosferatu”, a silent film about a German vampire who is more vermin than man. But who wants to watch a silent film?

In “Shadow of the Vampire,” John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe star in a fictionalized version of the events behind the filming of “Nosferatu.” To achieve absolute realism, the director of the film (Malkovich) hired a real vampire to play the lead in his movie. Dafoe plays Max Schreck, a would-be actor who’s too concerned about snacking on the crew than memorizing his lines.

The Suave Seducer.

Perhaps made most famous by Bela Lugosi’s portrayal of Dracula, this vampire’s primary weapon is his sexiness. Able to seduce women with his eyes, the vampire prefers snacking on young women — preferably in some state of undress.

Besides “Dracula,” there have been many other uses of vampires as seducers. In fact, this seems to be the favorite version of the monster.

I blame Anne Rice’s series of slightly homoerotic novels for the lack of truly scary vampire movies in the last several decades. Directors seem more interested in using the bloodsuckers as some kind of metaphor for sexual escapism than for actual escapism.

Case in point: “Modern Vampires,” a 1998 film directed by Richard Elfman, brother of composer Danny. Casper Van Dien stars as Dallas, a rogue bloodsucker who is bored with the posh lifestyle that vampires are forced to live. Van Dien sleepwalks through his role as a pretty-boy angsty vampire.

The real star of the film, though, is Rod Steiger. Steiger plays Van Helsing, a revenge-driven vampire hunter in search of Dallas. Arriving in Las Vegas with few resources, Van Helsing puts an ad in the classifieds looking for fellow vampire hunters. What he gets is the Crips (as in the Bloods and). Together, the fearless vampire slayer and his gang-banging cronies attempt to end the vampire threat once and for all. If the filmmakers had decided to spend the entire movie on Steiger teaching the Crips how to properly slay vampires, this could be considered one of the best vampire movies ever.

Instead, audiences have to put up with more Casper Van Dien than any one person should.

The most cunning vampire, though, is The Count. A purple-faced, monocle-wearing vampire, The Count utilizes his autistic like need to constantly count things as a way of putting people (specifically children) at ease. He lures them into a false state of friendship, teaching them how to count things and winning their hearts.

When the sun goes down on Sesame Street, though, The Count attacks. Overpowering the children, he drinks their blood. One, two, three screams! A-ha, a-ha, a-ha!

The Not-Quite-Vampire.

Lately, it seems directors go out of their way to explain vampirism, turning the centuries-old legend into cheap science-fiction claptrap. In movies such as “Ultraviolet,” “Blade” and the soon-to-be-released “I am Legend,” vampirism is a disease that has the potential to be cured in a laboratory. Oohhh … scary.

One director who managed to take the vampire legend and turn it into something different while retaining some real atmosphere is Guillermo del Toro.

His 1993 film “Cronos” stars Rederico Luppai as Jesus Gris, an elderly antique collector who comes across a small mechanized scarab that, when opened, stabs whoever is holding it.

Gris learns, though, that the wound brings renewed youth and, along with it, a thirst for blood. This Spanish-language film from Mexico is an overture to the rest of del Toro’s career, offering a peek at the ideas, visuals and actors that del Toro would continue to work with.

In a lot of ways, loving a bad movie is a lot like having an imaginary friend.

Fans of Surf Ninjas Must Die! that attempt to describe the film’s plot to their friends will receive the same blank, uncomprehending stare as if they were talking about the latest tea party they shared with Harvey, the lovable 6-foot tall bunny-shaped pooka.

Even when Hot Topic rolls out their latest batch of novelty T-shirts inspired by “cult films” — effectively whoring out that special relationship you once shared with your favorite under-the-radar movie, it’s the truly obscure film that will always be there to comfort you and you alone.

And just as one can never truly get rid of an imaginary friend, despite the best efforts of psychologists and priests, a fondly remembered bad movie can never be completely forgotten. Cloak and Dagger is one such film: a refugee from the ’80s that refuses to die. Despite the herculean efforts of a substandard script and questionable movie logic, Cloak and Dagger will stain the memory of all who watch, leaving behind a hazy impression of something truly special.

Richard Franklin directed the 1984 family adventure film with equal parts ingenuity and sloppiness. Henry Thomas (the young star of E.T.) stars as Davey Osborne, an 11-year-old who has accumulated in his short life a serious set of psychological problems. With a dead mother and a work-obsessed father, Davey has enveloped himself in the fantasy world of spy vs. spy.

Led by his imaginary friend Jack Flack, Davey embarks on what begins as a harmless bit of escapist role-playing that quickly turns into a real-life case of espionage involving the smuggling of classified information through an Atari video game cartridge. With a story by Cornell Woolrich, the film’s plot is more often than not a sloppy version of Woolrich’s own Rear Window.

Sure, the film is written for the same children who were content to spend hours on their Atari navigating frogs through the dangers of a busy freeway, but the mystery of Cloak and Dagger is sadly lacking. The espionage that drives the story often seems implausible and half-baked. The very fact that an 11-year-old child can outsmart a ring of so-called terrorists doesn’t speak too well of the antagonists’ supposed threat.

The real threat, as anyone who has seen Fight Club can attest, is the danger of imaginary friends. Cloak and Dagger‘s own Jack Flack seems to be a downright rat-bastard of an imaginary pal. Dabney Coleman plays the dual role of Jack Flack and Davey’s father Hal Osborne. Flack is the hero of a series of video and role-playing games Davey seems to spend every waking hour of his life playing. Maybe it is because of an attempt to connect with his often-absent father, but Davey has embraced Flack to such a degree he finds himself having frequent conversations and seeking advice from the fictional character. The problem is, Flack never seems to give good advice.

Whether he’s advising the boy to spy on others, run through traffic, lie to his father or hide in a car trunk alongside to a dead body, Flack is leading Davey from one potentially dangerous situation to another. When the boy refuses to lose his innocence and shoot a bad guy with a stolen gun, Jack Flack craftily tricks the young boy into pumping a man full of lead. With friends like these, who needs anti-schizophrenic medication?

Yet, despite the film’s weak points, something remains poignant about the story’s message. Maybe it’s the warning to children not to harbor a potentially unhealthy relationship with escapist fantasy or it’s the childhood fear of strangers shooting at you, but something about the film stands the test of time and offers a memorable experience to movie watchers.

I, for one, found myself enveloped in the unspoken childhood angst suffered by Davey that causes him to reach out for his father’s love through the coincidental (or maybe not) similarities between Flack and his father. It also didn’t hurt that the film’s San Antonio setting was a surreal treat for this Texan who has been craving a tense showdown on the Riverwalk or a smuggling operation run out of the Alamo.

Whatever it is, something about the film struck a cinematic nerve in this child of the ’80s. While Cloak and Dagger is in no danger of having an onslaught of fans demand nostalgic driven merchandise, it will make an excellent film to share with the voices in your head.

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