The elusive Lemony Snicket a.k.a. Daniel Handler

The following interview was with Lemony Snicket, the popular children’s book author who has made a name for himself with his perceived anonymity. Due to his proclivity towards privacy, we conducted the interview through instant message. Rereading this, I am still amazed by (and jealous of) the author’s rapid-fire wit. The interview was originally published in “The Battalion.”

Question: Before the first books became bestsellers, did you realize there was a demand for an unhappy children’s story?

Lemony Snicket: In looking over the shelves of libraries and bookstores, it occurred to me that there was nothing whatsoever telling the miserable story of the Baudelaires and, in fact, very little containing the sort of dreadful detail and general ennui their history contains. I saw that vacuum as a potential gap I might fill.

Q: Why have we never seen you?

LS: Perhaps you have seen Lemony Snicket. He’s nearly always traveling, so if you’re nearly always traveling yourself, then chances are you’ve crossed paths in an airport, train station or holding cell. If you’re never traveling, perhaps you’ve crossed paths during his travels. In the strange, anonymous space of the electronic chat room, it hardly seems fair to poke around the questions of identity.

Q: What sort of activity would land you in a holding cell?

LS: The cross-boundary transportation of suspicious rhetoric. Are you not reading the newspapers?

Q: Why are you always traveling?

LS: My research requires it. Besides, it’s harder to hit a moving target.

Q: How much negative feedback have you gotten from parents of children who have read your books, despite your many warnings against doing so?

LS: From time to time, I get a stern letter complaining about a mention of the Cathedral of the Alleged Virgin, which is mentioned in one of my books. Apparently the devout practitioners of a certain religion feel that this is a reference to their own faith, and have not taken the time to look up what the word “alleged” means. There is also the occasional objection to Count Olaf’s nefarious behavior, particularly his trying to marry a 14-year-old girl. Why this is considered worse than, say, murder, is beyond me, but I always agree with such letter writers: Count Olaf is a terrible man. One ought not to read about him.

Q: Do you think unhappy children’s stories lead to depression among children?

LS: If by “children’s stories” you mean “books,” then perhaps. If by “children’s stories” you mean “the terrible condition of certain children’s lives,” then by all means yes.

Q: Is there a chance the series could end (somewhat) happily?

LS: “Happily” is a comparative term. I predict that the end of the series will be happy compared to some endings we could imagine, and unhappy compared to others – like the endings to our own stories.

Q: Did you draw any inspiration from “The Boxcar Children” books where a group of happy orphans solves mysteries and are raised by a kind, rich uncle?

LS: I keep meaning to read “The Boxcar Children,” but the illustration on the cover of my copy is so hideous I always put it right back on the shelf.

Q: What’s next after the Baudelaires for Lemony Snicket? Any other stories we won’t want to hear about?

LS: My desk is full of pressing cases, but keep in mind that something terrible could happen to any living author at any moment, and nothing would be heard from them again.

Q: Count Olaf seems to be some sort of chameleon. How does he pull off all of his disguises?

LS: Count Olaf is a human, not a chameleon, despite his cold blood and, as you note, his love of disguise. His success owes more to the oblivion of others than his own theatrical skills.

Q: Who would win in a fight: you or R.L. Stine?

LS: I met Mr. Stine some years ago in a disreputable establishment in New Orleans. I cannot imagine why we would get into a fight. If I took issue with his work, I would conduct my disagreement via anonymous letter rather than facing him outright.

Q: Which books keep you reading late into the night?

LS: Currently, the unearthly mysticism of Paul Bowles, but whenever there is a new novel out by Tom Drury or Haruki Murakami, I cancel breakfast the following morning.

Q: Has telling the stories of the orphans helped you with any inner peace?

LS: I am suspicious of the notion of inner peace and have no plans to approach it, let alone attain it.

Q: What are your feelings on the film version of the first three books?

LS: Three books condensed into a two-hour film means that the whole ordeal is over more quickly than reading the books, but that there is more misery per moment, whether from the dreadful events in the story or from the occasional saccharine convention of modern motion pictures. So whether you prefer the film or the books depends on whether you are someone who likes to rip the bandage right off or who prefers to pull it off slowly. Myself, I prefer to sit in a bathtub with a bourbon old-fashioned and let the bandage float to the surface of the salted water.

Q: What’s the most random question you’ve ever been asked?

LS: I was recently asked if I owned a hot tub, and when I said no, the questioner told me that Christopher Paolini, another children’s author, also did not own a hot tub. I suppose that explains why Christopher Paolini and I have never shared a hot tub.

Q: If there is a life to come after the present one and you could bring one book with you, what book would you bring?

LS: “Interesting Places to Travel in the Afterlife” – the newest edition they had.

Robert Gates doesn't read in the bathroom. It's a waste of time, he says.

I asked him several questions that, for reasons I can no longer remember, did not run in The Battalion, Texas A&M’s student paper. They included: what he read while he was on the toilet, what his favorite racist joke was and what ninja move he would recommend for sneaking into class late. Staring back as his unblinking face as I asked him those questions was probably one of the most unsettling experiences I had at Texas A&M.

This interview originally ran in “The Battalion.”

Robert Saucedo: Do you ever use your CIA training in your day-to-day job?

Robert Gates: Every day. I use both CIA and White House training. Of course, it’s not always ninja stuff. It’s knowing how to get the right info and make informed decisions. It’s knowing when info is incomplete or biased. It’s any instance when I’m dealing with people.

RS: You’ve had your name tossed around in a Johnny Carson opening monologue. When “The Battalion” pokes fun at you, how does that make you feel?

RG: I enjoy it actually. When you’ve been skewered by “The Washington Post” and “The New York Times,” you can deal with “The Batt.”

RS: If you were a student, where would you rather live: on- or off-campus?

RG: I’d rather live on-campus. I lived on-campus all four years as an undergrad. When you’re living on-campus, you’re more of a part of campus. You get caught up in the spontaneity of campus life. You’re more likely to attend sporting events and on-campus activities. When you live at an apartment and you leave campus at four, I’m guessing it’s going to take a big deal to get you out of that apartment. Maybe not Northgate.

RS: The world is about to explode. The U.S. Government has given you an escape rocket, but you only have room to take one of the University’s colleges with you. Which school do you pick?

RG: I’d pick the College of Medicine. It would be somebody to help keep me alive.

RS: If A&M was required to pick one mascot to forevermore represent all that is Aggieland, would you pick Reveille or Old Sarge?

RG: Reveille. I think Reveille is a symbol of loyalty. I like the idea of a living, breathing mascot. Not a refugee from a zoo, though. Not someone that gets to come out a few times. And not something that is so drugged, you don’t know if it’s even alive. Not that I’m making a specific reference to anything.

RS: The President of the United States has “Hail to the Chief” as his theme song. What’s your theme song?

RG: If you give me a call and get put on hold, you’ll hear it. It’s “The War Hymn.” When journalists or business people from out east that I have to deal with get put on hold and have to sit there and listen to it, it really pumps them up.

RS: What type of movies do you enjoy?

RG: I really like action movies. I like movies that involve escape. I get enough reality in my job, so I really like disaster movies.

RS: What espionage movie has been the most true to reality?

RG: None of them. I’ve actually met (Tom) Clancy. I met him about 20 years ago and we stay in touch. I tease him about the fact that his books are fictional.

RS: What advice do you have for incoming freshmen?

RG: Study hard. We’d like to see you back.

RS: How about departing seniors?

RG: Go out and change the world. We’ve given you the tools. My message to everybody is to put down your cell phone and say howdy!

This interview was originally published in The Battalion, Texas A&M's student newspaper on July 20, 2006.

Jeff Anderson on doing “Clerks II”:

I was almost the guy that ruined it. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t think it was a good idea. I thought we had a better chance of screwing it up than actually making a good sequel. I just wasn’t anxious to do it. I wasn’t pursuing an acting career. I don’t get recognized a whole lot from “Clerks.” I’m out there writing and not wanting to do things in front of a camera. I’m not wanting to sit down and have “Clerks” discussions for the rest of my life. Doing a sequel opens me up to all that again. I’m hoping (wearing) the backwards baseball cap throws people off again.

Brian O’Halloran on life between Clerks films:

I was frozen in carbonite. So I was well preserved.

O’Halloran and Anderson on who would replace them in an all-star cast version of “Clerks”:

Anderson: Anthony Michael Hall.

O’Halloran: This is kind of upgrading myself, but Charlie Sheen.

Anderson: Wouldn’t you go see that? I know I would. Anthony Michael Hall and Charlie Sheen in “Clerks.” That should be “Clerks III,” where they just reenact the first one with those guys.

O’Halloran and Anderson on the “Clerks” cartoon:

O’Halloran: Best time I ever had on a Kevin Smith project. Although (“Clerks II”) is cutting it close with Rosario Dawson. My heart broke when I found out (ABC) cancelled it. I thought this could be a “Simpsons” career – working on this ’till I was 80 and collecting the big money and checks. The only thing we missed that we didn’t get a chance to do is that Jeff recommended we do an episode in our underwear.

Anderson: I did that.

O’Halloran: I know. It was so f*cking inappropriate. It made me really uncomfortable.

Anderson: You were looking.

O’Halloran: Kevin still wants to do (a direct to DVD cartoon movie) sometime in 2008, and that’s probably the only time you’ll see the “Clerks” characters again – in animated form.

O’Halloran on kissing Kevin Smith’s wife:

O’Halloran: I had to make out with Kevin Smith’s wife to get in the movie. (laughs) Kevin cast his wife as Dante’s fiancee in this one, and there is a long make-out scene that was made even longer by this camera movement. And there were a lot of issues with the camera movement, so we had to make out, and make out and make out.

Anderson: That was me bumping the camera. I thought it was funny that he was kissing Kevin’s wife. Gotta do it again. Okay Brian, pucker up.

O’Halloran: And that made me uncomfortable because I thought I could get fired at any moment and be replaced with Charlie Sheen or Seth Green. I remember Kevin came up and told me that he had been watching the monitor and thinking, ‘O’Halloran has made out with my wife longer than I ever have before my pants came down to my ankles. Normally, I’m like you gotta f*ck me right now.’ And I was like, ‘Really? Sir, I don’t need to know these details. Thank you very much.’

Anderson: You said ‘f*ck’ to a college student.

O’Halloran: They can print ‘f*ck.’

O’Halloran and Anderson on seeing their faces on “Clerks” merchandise:

O’Halloran: It would be nice seeing some of that cash from that merchandise.

Anderson: I didn’t even know there were action figures. My niece called me up, and I was like, ‘I’m Uncle Jeff, not G.I. Joe.’

Anderson and O’Halloran on people being able to immediately quote lines from “Clerks”:

Anderson: (If that happens), immediately leave that room. Get yourself out.

O’Halloran: I think that’s a testament to Kevin’s ability to script dialogue.

Anderson: No, it’s a testament to our delivery.

Anderson and O’Halloran on television interviews:

Anderson: We were doing television interviews last week, and there was this toilet training expert that went before us. Under her name, on the monitor, she was labeled ‘Potty Pro.’ So we were there cracking up off camera. When we went on air, you better believe I was checking the monitor to make sure it didn’t still say ‘Potty Pro.’

O’Halloran: Seconds before we go on air, the anchor turns to me and asks how it was doing number two. I started laughing, ‘Are we still doing a bit on toilet training?’

Anderson on not getting a love interest in the new movie:

Anderson: I should have held out longer. I guess Randal’s not the lady slayer.

O’Halloran: You’re the potty pro.

Anderson: The only way I’m doing “Clerks III” is if I have 10 chicks all at once.

O’Halloran and Anderson on where they see themselves in 10 years:

O’Halloran: “Clerks III: Grumpy Old Clerks.” Hopefully, maybe directing myself. Producing perhaps. I’d like to stay in the industry. It’s a good life done right.

Anderson: I’ll be in a house on a lot of land in Montana with a lot of chicks.

O’Halloran: I’m sorry, but the vice president owns half of Montana.