I went into Nun of That with more then my fair share of trepidation.

Having seen more super-low budget, ultra-violent action comedies in the last year then I would care to, the novelty of watching low-rent thespians crack groan-worthy one-liners while attempting to remember poorly-choreographed fight scenes and prancing around in gallons of jarringly fake-looking blood has lost its novelty.

I can appreciate the ingenuity of independent filmmakers cranking out movies purely out of the love for cinema, but that doesn’t stop me from pausing in fear before popping in another movie with a title that’s bound to be a million times more entertaining then the film itself.

Nun of That, with its admittedly very clever title, took me by surprise. Not just because it was a fun movie but also because it caused me to laugh out loud — something I very rarely do when watching a movie alone.

Richard Griffin and the Scorpio Film Releasing production company bring fans of cheesy exploitation films a modern throwback to the classic nunsplotation genre.

Sarah Nicklin stars as Sister Wrath, a nun with a temper problem who, after being shot down by an order of habit-wearing vigilantes, is resurrected to join that same order and rid the world of mafia dons, pimps, drug dealers and other assorted scum of the Earth.

Chief among the villains Sister Wrath must put down with extreme prejudice is Momma Rizzo, played by a crossdressing Rich Tretheway.

Rizzo is not alone, though. Along with her gang consisting of the usual Italian caricatures, she is joined by Viper Goldstein, a Jewish hitman played by David Lavallee Jr. This murderous mohel is armed with razor-tipped yamakas and a love for torturing nuns.

Luckily Sister Wrath is not alone either. Alexandra Cipolla, Shanette Wilson and Ruth Sullivan all play fellow members of the Order of the Black Habit.

Sexy, sleek and all-too prone to desires of the flesh, these nuns more then happy to give nun fetishists what they are looking for in their entertainment — erotic nuns doing all kinds of sexual acts with each other.

The action may not be of professional caliber but it’s still a lot of fun.

Computer-enhanced gunplay leads to shoddy-looking special effects but it sure helped the filmmakers ensure that they could make the bloodiest bang for their buck. Heads are dismembered and gangsters are pumped full of more bullets then the cast and crew of the film are going to need to say Hail Mary’s.

The cast, made largely of amateur actors, is quite apt at delivering co-writers Richard Griffen and Ted Marr’s clever dialogue. Full of all the corny puns and eye-roll-educing punch lines you’ve grown to love in your low-budget action movies, the film sets itself apart from the unwatchable with its sheer determination to take itself as serious as humanly possible.

While it’s not above having an electroinca-inspired musical number by a bigamist Jesus Christ, the film still retains a tone that is, for the most part, straight faced.

This attitude helps sell some of the more zany aspects of the film — something constant winking and nudging to the audience would not have been able to accomplish.

One of my favorite bits in the movie has to do with Oscar, Sister Wrath’s obnoxious guardian angel played by Luis Brandon Aponte. Instead of offering the bits of soul-touching insight and heavenly guidance that guardian angels are prone to dispensing, Oscar is more apt to wonder around completely nude like some blitzed frat boy or a castoff of MTV’s Jersey Shore.

Look for cameos in the film from Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman — staples of the independent horror scene.

Extras on the DVD include a making-of feature, two audio commentaries, the original short film that inspired the making of the movie and a collection of trailers for similar micro-budget horror films.

Nun of That may be a bad film — but it’s one of those bad movies that so entertaining it becomes a joy to watch.

Robert Saucedo hopes nun of his readers were offended by today’s review. Follow him on Twitter @robsaucedo2500.

IMDB Score: 4.3 out of 10

Religious satire is a tricky act to undertake.

You can’t be overly critical of anybody’s beliefs or you will be seen as mean-spirited or hurtful. You can’t be overly preachy or highfalutin with your message unless you want to drive away your potential audiences with burning torches of boredom. And, perhaps most importantly, you don’t want to be overly goofy if you want to be taken seriously as a movie with a message.

Unfortunately, Ultrachrist doesn't have nearly as cool of a costume as Bibleman.

This weekend, I saw “Invention of Lying,” a comedy I felt was successfully able to poke fun at organized religion without falling prey to the countess dangers that present themselves to movies in this genre.

On the other hand, I also saw “Ultrachrist!” a movie that never successfully decides what it wants to be and, in the end, resigns itself to an embarrassment of excess.

A tongue-in-cheek slapstick spoof of “Robocop” with a recently returned Jesus Christ as a spandex-wearing superhero on a quest to rid the world of sin and spread his ministry, the movie is for the most part amateurish, yet charming, fun.

Clearly a labor of love, “Ultrachrist!” is shot with guerilla filmmaking tactics, managing to craft a story larger then the film’s budget may seem to have allowed. The filmmakers managed to flesh out the world of their film by seemingly utilizing the real-life citizens of New York City as extras. Doing so, I imagine, without the use of permits or permission.

When Jesus returns to Earth but is shocked to discover he no longer relates to today’s youth, he decides to don a superhero identity. This new tactic gains the attention of Satan, taking the physical form of New York City’s Parks and Recreation commissioner.

Satan decides to combat Jesus on his own terms by raising an army of some of the evilest souls to ever darken the doorsteps of hell: Dracula, Hitler, Richard Nixon and Jim Morrison.

It’s up to Jesus to save the world with a little help from his friends: a seamstress with self-esteem issues, the patron saint of erotic massages, a duo of self-proclaimed lip-stick lesbians and the self-centered anchorwoman for a cable news network.

Unlike the far-more-enjoyable “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter,” “Ultrachrist!” turns out to be somewhat of a boring mess — albeit an impressive one.

I can respect any movie that is manages to find distribution despite the fact that its budget was obviously less then the catering costs of one hour’s filming on “Transformers 2.”

In the end, though, pure pluck and determination can’t help elevate the film from its humble origins or the fact that the movie never quite settles on an appropriate tone.

The movie relies on the same tired jokes time after time — never presenting the necessary building blocks of an independent comedy: true originality or cutting-edge observational humor. Mainstream Hollywood can get by on clichés, but in order for a low-budget film to find audiences’ attention it needs something they haven’t seen before.

Watching the movie, though, I was reminded of the fond memories I have of shooting homemade movies during high school.

It is obvious that the filmmakers behind “Ultrachrist!” had just as much fun as I did making movies with my friends — and that I cannot fault them for. If they found a little success in the end product, that’s a great accomplishment for them.

The movie may not have been the edgy religious satire it seemed it wanted to be, but at least it had some pretty fun moments that celebrated the art of home movies.

Plus I got to see Jesus Christ fight Dracula.

"The Passion of the Christ" was a great movie that made a lot of money but with the help of Hollywood suits, it could have been even better and made even more money!

It’s so hard to come up with a new, original story that most writers don’t even try anymore. Over half of the movies playing in theatres today are remakes or sequels. Even my cutting-edge observation isn’t original. People have been complaining about Hollywood’s lack of creativity since as long as I can remember enjoying movies. Personally, I don’t know what the big fuss is. I think the idea of a remake or sequel is genius.

Before you start questioning my taste in movies, let me explain.

When you were a child, you were probably told bedtime stories or sung nursery rhymes … unless you had bad parents; then you were probably beaten … or worse.

But for those of you with good parents, when mommy or daddy told you the story of the three little pigs, did you call them uncreative hacks? Did you deride their ability to create original works of fiction? Of course not, you listened with bated breath as they added new details and twists to the classic stories they had learned as children.

Storytelling is built on repetition. A story gets better, for the most part, the more its told and the more people who tell it. As the story is passed around like a game of telephone or a village prostitute, it continues to grow, picking up additions and interpretations.

As it grows, it evolves. It changes into something new and exciting; something alive. A remake is the same, essentially. It’s a classic tale reinterpreted to fit with today’s cultural needs and standards. It’s a representation of the current state of society. It’s a mirror to our collective soul.

If the remake is a representation of today’s society and it comes out crappy, though, what does that say about our generation?

I’m just joshing you.

Some remakes are crappy because the people who made them are crappy.

That being said, Hollywood has an idea for the ultimate remake: The Greatest Story Ever Told.

Take it away Hollywood producer.

“I’m talking, of course, about The Bible.

But let’s skip over that Old Testament stuff, though. It’s kind of depressing. The second half is what the people want. They eat that stuff up like its cotton candy.

But we’re going to have to spruce it up a bit for today’s audiences.

There needs to be some kind of love story in it.

Hmmm.

“Brokeback Mountain” did pretty well. Maybe we could… nah… that wouldn’t work.

Or would it?

What we need to do is cast young if we want to build a new franchise.

I’m thinking we get one of those kids from the Disney Channel to play Jesus.

Maybe one of the Jonas Brothers?

But he needs to be “toyetic.”

Let’s give him some arctic or jungle costumes or some kind of exo-skeleton armor. Maybe some ninja-stealth-ware?

And we need a bad guy.

Maybe two? We could sell more toys that way.

“This Summer: Jesus must conquer the darkness within if he hopes to take on Judas. But who’s that waiting in the wings? Why, it’s the Prince of Darkness, himself, Satan! Coming to a theater near you.”

And we need to make sure that we have as many commercial tie-ins as we can possibly cram into two hours.

What? The Bible takes place in the past? There weren’t any companies back then that we can do corporate tie-ins with?

That’s not going to work.

Let’s reset this story to the present day.

In California.

In the O.C.

And let’s have plenty of car chases.

And explosions.

Get the guys in the lab to start working on their CGI stigmata effects.

You know what else we could use?

A teen sidekick.

What about that Shia LaBeouf kid?

No, wait. Let’s make him black.

We can pull in the “urban” audience that way.

“What ‘chu talkin’ about Jesus?”

Genius.

Hmm… what else are we missing?

Can we get Nickleback to do some kind of song for the soundtrack?

And then get Puff Daddy to do a dance remix of their song.

And then get John Williams to do a bombastic score version of Puff Daddy’s dance remix of Nickleback’s song.

We can release three; count ‘em three, concept albums.

I can taste the money already. And it tastes like sweet, sweet wine.

Speaking of wine, do you think we could get Jesus to turn water into a specific brand of wine?

And what if we got Black and Decker to do some kind of cross-promotion with their power drills at the crucifixion scene?

Wait?

Do we really want to crucify him?

There goes any possibility for a sequel.

We could always get Michael Bay to direct “Jesus II: The Tribulation.”

Let me ask you this, are we going to hell for this?”

Yes, Hollywood. Yes you are.

Tips for traveling the open road — courtesy of Hollywood.

Spring is over; nothing but a bug splatter in the windshield that is memory. Don’t cry about the end of the season, though. The fact is, now is precisely the time to prepare for this summer’s car trip.

Be it spent with family on a quest for touristy goodness or in the company of your closest friends in search of hedonistic pleasures, the summer road trip is not an event to undertake unprepared. Many weeks of careful planning should go into proper research. When deciding how to best chart a memorable road trip, might I suggest viewing these films that time forgot:

Finding Graceland – 1998

Tagline: “Even a king needs a lift now and then.”

Who’s the rambling man?: Johnathon Schaech

What’s it about: Bryon (Schaech) is not having a good life. Mourning the loss of his wife, he travels the countryside in his Cadillac, still totaled from the accident that took his lover’s life. Bryon is on a road trip to nowhere when he picks up a hitchhiker (Harvey Keitel) claiming to be the king of rock and roll, Elvis Priestly.

Together, the two embark on the full gamut of road trip experiences including loose women, celebrity impersonators and riveting musical numbers – all in the process of helping Bryon find some meaning in his directionless life.

Road trip tip: When embarking on a road trip, make sure you pick up a hitchhiker who bares a strong resemblance to a popular culture icon.

Be it Elvis, Jim Morrison, John Lennon or Jesus, these men of the road will be useful tools in spouting off greeting card philosophy and providing you with a way to realize the “real you.” That, or they’ll kill you and take your money.

Should you Watch It: Finding Graceland is one of those movies that almost chokes itself in overt sentimentality yet still retains the endearing qualities of a feel-good film. Despite being steeped in clichés and over the top melodrama, the film remains a positively uplifting character study of two men who help each other on the road to life reaffirmation.

Thanks in part to the cast’s magnificent performances and the excellent story pacing, the film should manage to win over even the hardest of he-men. If the thought of a man reconciling with his wife’s death and rediscovering love in the form of a Marylyn Monroe impersonator sounds like a charming picture with a big heart, welcome to the land of cliché — where, if done with good intentions, not everything has to be garbage.

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Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure – 1985

Tagline: “The story of a rebel and his bike.”

Who’s the rambling man?: Paul Reubens.

What’s it about: Pee-Wee Herman (Paul Reubens) has just lost his best friend in the world, his bicycle. After the bike is stolen from him, Pee-Wee is driven to the brink of insanity. When he receives a tip that the bike resides in the basement of the Alamo, Pee-Wee embarks on a cross-country road-trip in a desperate bid to retrieve his beloved cycle. Along the way, he encounters a collection of crazy characters including Large Marge, the ghost trucker; Simone, a waitress with wanderlust and the whole of the Warner Brothers production lot.

Road Trip Tip: A little creativity can get you out of the worst of situations.

If you discover yourself in a bar filled with angry bikers, entertain them with a rousing dance performance. For maximum effect, don high-healed boots and fancy-step your way into the hearts of these rough and tumble men. With the right moves and attitude, the biker gang will have no choice but to accept you as a member of their gang. In fact, everybody will have a turn welcoming you into the gang in their own special way.

Should you Watch It: Yes, it’s true. Paul Reubens, the brain behind Pee-Wee Herman, was charged with public indecency and found with some pretty kinky pornography. Too often, the comedic genius of Reuben’s madcap man-child character is lost beneath the flurry of scandal related humor. Instead of focusing on the gleeful childlike nature of Pee-Wee Herman’s silliness, lesser writers make lame jokes about Reuben’s private life. Well, now that we have the scandal out of the way, it’s time to talk about a film that will touch the inner child in everyone. With a healthy dose of comedic timing and quotable lines, Pee-Wee Herman’s Big Adventure is exxxciting family fun. So put down that copy of Naughty Nurse Nancy and check out the Paul Reubens’ epitome of road-traveling riotous laughter.

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Freeway – 1996

Who’s the rambling woman: Reese Witherspoon

What’s it about: In this modern day retelling of Little Red Riding Hood, Vanessa Lutz (Witherspoon) is a white trash, illiterate 15-year old. After her parents are arrested, Vanessa decides to visit her dear old grandmother’s trailer park to move in with her.

While driving down the interstate, Vanessa’s car breaks down and she accepts a ride from Bob Wolverton (Kiefer Sutherland), a counselor at a school for boys. After gaining her trust, Wolverton begins a slow mental attack on Vanessa’s impressionable mind. Soon, Vanessa discovers that Wolverton is the “I-5 Killer” that has been preying on young girls and must escape the sociopath creep’s warped mind games.

Road Trip Tip: Never accept a ride from Kiefer Sutherland. Despite his charm and handsome good lucks, Sutherland will bring you nothing but bad news. When he’s not terrorizing Reese Witherspoon, he’s waving a switchblade at River Phoenix, sucking Jason Patric’s blood or taking target practice at Collin Farrell. Even if he gives you the “I’m a Counter Terrorist Officer” line, within twenty-four hours of hooking up with him he’ll probably have you fighting mountain lions or contracting radiation poising.

Should you Watch It: Freeway is a reminder that fairy tales aren’t all charming princes and glass slippers. Much like the original translations of Little Red Riding Hood were extreme showcases of graphic cruelty, Freeway is an extreme showcase of life’s little horrors. Instead of a wide-toothed wolf, Vanessa must battle a mentally disturbed individual and the US judicial system.

Despite plugging multiple bullets into Wolverton’s body, the I-5 killer survives and is painted the helpless victim of an inner city kid’s reckless rampage. While Wolverton begins his civil lawsuit case, Vanessa is sent to jail to await trial. Life isn’t always fair and Freeway is a stark reminder of the paradoxical nature of social economic profiling. Plus, there’s lots of lurid violence and sexual dialogue.

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