To distinguish what is considered a bad movie, I will be using three very useful websites: www.imdb.com, www.rottentomatoes.com, and www.metacritic.com. In order for a film to be considered a bad movie for the purpose of the project, the movie has to have scored in the lower 50^th percentile of all submitted reviews on at least one of these sites.

Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic use scores assigned and averaged out by a collection of professional film critics (for the most part, a group of equally snobbish movie fans with bad attitudes on par with my own).

IMDB, on the other hand, relies on user-submitted scores, offering up a somewhat reliable litmus test of public reaction.

By using the three sites, I feel fairly certain I can find movies to watch that are considered “bad” — even if I personally don’t share that particular judgment.

Now on to the first movies:

Don’t be fooled by toothy smiles, vampire boys are only after one thing.

Just when you thought it was safe to take off that turtleneck sweater and put away your garlic, Twilight, Stephanie Meyer’s blockbuster young adults’ novel, has taken the nation’s tweens by storm.

It’s not just a book, either. The film version stars Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson as two teenaged lovers torn apart by the fact that one of them is really a distant relative of Count Chocula.

While Twilight might have a legion of screaming teenaged girls behind it, it is not the only choice when it comes to teenage vampire films.

Let the Right One In, a Swedish film based on a novel of the same name, may not have a cast of unreasonably beautiful people, but it still manages to be a tender story about a 12-year-old boy’s relationship with a vampire girl.

When mysterious deaths begin to plague his community, Oskar begins to suspect that the new girl in town whom he has developed a crush on may in fact be a vampire.

There seems to be a problem among today’s youth in detecting vampires in their midst. With Buffy the Vampire Slayer having been off the air for five years now, who are our children turning to for advice in spotting bloodsuckers?

It seems it is my civic duty to provide a list of warning signs that will help prevent a little necking at Make out Point from becoming a fang-ful memory.

• Does your boyfriend have an obsessive love for counting, marking each number with a crazed laugh of “ah, ah, ah, ah, ah”? He may be a vampire — or a math teacher. Either way, you should get out of that relationship.
• Did your loved one suddenly go from speaking in a country twang to talking in a stereotypical Romanian accent? Have they developed a new wardrobe consisting of medallions, capes and silver-tipped canes? Unless they are auditioning for the role of an eastern European pimp, they have become the undead and should be dumped.
• Does your girlfriend flinch whenever you mention blowing your paycheck on steaks at the grocery store? Does she shy away from giving you a smooch after you’ve just wolfed down a double-order of garlic breadsticks? Does she become agitated and embarrassed when you insist on doing your Bela Lugosi impersonation at parties? If the answers are yes, you may very well be dating a bloodsucking harpy from hell — or a vampire.
• Have you spotted a mysterious doctor peaking over his menu at you and your significant other during your dinner date? While walking past his table to use the restroom, did you spot him carving a point onto a wooden stick? When dancing with your date, did the doctor try to cut in — only to trip on his feet, fall towards your date, stab them with a wooden stake, and cause them to spontaneously combust into a cloud of dust? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you could have very well been on a date with a vampire.
• Does your boyfriend take coffin’ drops? Drink decoffinated coffee? Live in a Bat-chelor pad? Invite you to meet his parents during Fangsgiving break? Own a bloodhound? Play Casketball? You may have a grave problem.

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I don’t know much but …

If romantic comedies have taught America anything, it’s that with the right amount of perseverance and patience, one’s true love is right around the corner – and probably in the shape of a hooker with a heart of gold. If Cameron Crowe’s directorial debut, Say Anything… has taught us anything, it’s that even movie superstars were once baby-faced actors.

In Say Anything… John Cusack stars as Lloyd Dobler, a recent high school graduate who finds himself in love with Diane Court (Ione Skye). Like any great work of fiction, there’s much truth to be gleaned from Crowe’s movie.

For the convenience of my lovelorn readers, an in-depth study of the film has been conducted and four essential life lessons have been gleamed.

4.) Kickboxing is the sport of the future

Throughout the film, Lloyd Dobler is constantly hyping the then up-and-coming sport of “kickboxing.” Filmed in 1989, Say Anything… succeeded where Teen Wolf Too failed in making kickboxing look cool. After watching the film, I was instantly motivated to go to the closest gym and train to be a kickboxer. Then I remembered that learning a sport is hard — especially ones in which I would be kicking people in the face. Instead, I’m now preparing to enter the competitive world of Paper, Rock, Scissors. Hopefully my second choice sport will turn out to be just as potent a chick magnet.

3.) Crime never pays

In a plot device Shakespeare would be proud of, Diane’s doddering father thwarts his daughter’s attempts at a relationship with Lloyd. Although Diane’s father only had the best intentions for his daughter, in the end it didn’t matter because it’s revealed he was a lying criminal who stole from the elderly. Any good intentions parents may have can be instantly dismissed when their closet contains a few skeletons. For anybody who’s attempts to date are hampered by their love’s folks, don’t be afraid to do a little background snooping. With the right investigative work, any in-law can be effectively and safely contained behind bars. There will be plenty of time to win your lovers’ parents over during visiting hours.

2.) Use your imagination

When her father’s disapproval becomes more than Diane can bear, she breaks down and dumps Lloyd. In an effort to give Lloyd a romantic gift that will leave him with a good impression of her, Diane presents him with a pen. A pen! Her justification? So Lloyd can write her. Now that, my friends, is some creative thinking right there. Instead of spending a ton of money in order to leave a solid lasting impression, all one has to do is present unwanted lovers with a household object — so long as you can justify its significance. I once gave a girl an egg for Valentine’s. I said it was so she could make me breakfast. All I got was a slap. I don’t know why — I meant it from the heart.

1.) Music tamed the savage breast

After being dumped, Lloyd goes from denial to anger to sorrow faster then a bi-polar hummingbird. Eventually Lloyd resorts to the one sure-fire way of winning back a true love’s heart: Peter Gabriel. Standing outside her window, Lloyd holds up his boom box and blares the Gabes for the entire world to hear. Diane, not able to resist the power of Pete, breaks down her icy exterior and succumbs to Lloyd’s charm and wit. Once, during college, I tried to utilize the patented “boom box under the window” method myself. I stood outside a dorm window and after a few minutes of blaring the equally powerful ballads of Bryan Adams, I realized I was at the wrong dorm. It turns out I won the heart of Jimbo, a Corps of Cadets freshman. I had to politely decline his advances so I gave him a pen. So that he could write.

Support this blog and buy Say Anything… (20th Anniversary Edition) [Blu-ray]

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Certain movie deaths lend themselves to more street credibility then others.

Going out in a hail of gunfire as you battle an unstoppable army of razor-toothed, acid-blooded alien monsters is an honorable way to die. Being chased down by a lone zombie who can barely move a foot without loosing his foot is a downright shameful way to shuffle off the mortal coil.

From the themed displays at your local video store to any one of the late night marathons on cable television, it’s aparent Halloween is around the corner and Hollywood’s scariest are waiting to be watched. But with a glut of gory programming available, many disregard the genre as a whole, preferring to spend their viewing time with something a little less horrifying.

Apathy towards scary movies, my friends, is the surest way to find yourself under the blade of a demented clown-themed killer. If only you had taken the time to watch a few scary movies and jotted down some notes, you too would have known how to survive any clichéd horror movie plot.

Lucky for you, I’ve taken the time to prepare a few handy tips that will put you on the right track towards survival. Horror movies may be formulaic and derivative, but that’s exactly why surviving one is as easy as pumpkin pie.

• When asked to put the lotion on the skin, politely decline. Your captive is trying to preserve your delicate epidermis in order to later harvest it in construction of a woman suit. In fact, take extra care to add to the deterioration of your overall appearance by taking up smoking and consuming greasy foods. Nobody wants a woman suit with acne.
• When attempting to learn the running speed of an approaching zombie, throw a rock at it. If it stumbles along at a snail-like pace, the zombie can easily be avoided by running away. If it charges at you with an uncanny speed, question your motive for throwing the rock in the first place.
• When faced with an eminent exorcism, remember: The power of Christ compels you… to run the other way as fast as you can.
• When walking down a dark alley, do not advertise yourself as a victim. Instead, bring along a small child as a decoy victim.
• When filming a documentary about a local urban legend, remember to go prepared. Essential supplies include plenty of batteries, a compass, a map, a flare gun, enough food to last you a few days and a tripod in order to hold the camera straight for more then two seconds.
• Werewolves are cunning beasts that can easily overpower their prey. Wait until they transform back into their weak human forms before hitting them over the head with a two-by-four … made of silver.
• If you receive a phone call telling you that you will die in seven days after watching what looks to be some disturbing glimpse into a film student’s psyche, upload the video onto YouTube with the tags “Star Wars Kid,” “Paris Hilton,” and “XXX.” College frat boys everywhere will be unable to resist downloading it and you’ll pass the curse on to somebody more deserving.
• Do not forget to wear garlic around your neck when combating a vampire or trying to woo Mario the Plumber.
• If you suspect your next-door neighbor to be an alien out to replace you with a pod person, contact your local Tea Party.

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